Some days I find I love her so hard it actually hurts in my flesh and blood heart; not just in that metaphorical spot where mothers supposedly store their emotions. It hurts and I feel it in all four chambers even if the heart beats on oblivious.
I love her in the dark wee hours when I fumble for glasses and sigh through her soft whimpers at this having to get up again and again and again. But then there she is, curled up into the crook of my arm with chubby leg hanging just so over my hand.
I run my fingers over her toes. They curl around and into my palm.
The love beat is so loud in those quiet moments I am certain she must hear it too. The blood pumping a drum beat dance of the great mother love that sings down through the ages and ululates a wild love cry over this tiny daughter of mine.
I would dance barefoot in the rain for you, baby girl.
The dark cocoons us both and the rocking chair whispers and she drinks and I cup her head.
I bow low over that silver sheen that the bathroom light reflects – the tiny halo of hair. And inside something worships – something breaks wide open and the blood rushes through it and I am certain my chest cannot contain this emotion.
This wonder at being a fingerprint in God’s palm as He created and cast a life into being.
There it is, the mark of me on this girl child. She knows. She watches me from under half closed lashes in between gulps and breaths and my eyes tell her, “yes, yes I was part of your making.”
I am her beginning and in every way that this pock-marked history of being a daughter adrift from a mother has scarred me, she is my new beginning too.
Blood beats. Daughter drinks. Spirit exhales.
I hold that hand and find that she holds me. All that the deceiver sought to rob me of, all my daughterhood lost for years, are soothed and restored by those five chubby fingers.
Then slowly, with the creaking limbs of one who knows the value of silence at midnight I unwind her from myself and back into her own bed. And there it is, the soft sigh of a baby full and content.
My benediction.
{My incredibly grateful thanks to Ann Voskamp, for capturing these photos – they are a gift Zoe and I will always treasure.} Want to keep up with this here blog – sign up to get my posts emailed to your doorstep right here Or delivered to your reader of choice. Or just like us on Facebook.
There were never more perfect words from a mother to her daughter…or to capture the love a mother has for her children. Absolutely beautiful. And I’m so happy to hear that she is healing your soul as much as you are filling hers.
So. Much.
Lisa-Jo! How beautiful. I am a mama to one, and I often wonder if future children get the short end of the stick in the mystery of mother-making. The experiences you share of your time with your daughter give me hope that the hoped-for future babes will teach me and grow me and change me as much as this one has.
Oh Rae – the amazing thing is it just gets better. Every single baby is a whole new world of wonder. And my friends with 6, 7, 8 kids tell me it’s always that way. Amazing, isn’t it?
Just beautiful, Lisa-Jo! So beautiful!
Ok, now I just HAVE to sign up for a subscription to your blog… this was so beautiful and moving and I never want to miss another word! :D
Oh girl, you’ve got me blushing and grinning at the same time!
Positively beautiful and so perfectly said.
Your words bring tears to my eyes. My baby is an obnoxious 16 and I find myself having to go back to those memories; the up-at-night times, the sweet smells, the silent communication, the explosive love, to bring those feelings back into the present. Then the urge to kick his butt usually passes :o)
Heh – sometimes I struggle with those feelings towards my six-year-old :)
So beautifully written. I would dance barefoot in the rain for you… You have such an uplifting blog.
We all need a good dance in the rain now and then, don’t we :)
Singing it with you, right now,
the simplest of love songs,
a benediction of praise:
Praise God from Whom all blessings flow
Praise Him, all creatures here below
Praise Him above, ye Heavenly Host
Praise Father,
Son and
Holy Ghost.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh-men.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gbrqW0eJmE
Yes and Amen and Amen.
This is maybe the most important thing I’ve read since I’ve been pregnant with my own baby girl. As one who has lived under the weight of a “daughterhood lost for years” I’ve wondered if I can love this girl fully, wholly. Reading your post I know that God fills that in. I know I’ll love well and whole because of Him. Thank you for this gift. It is no small thing.
this is hypnotic.
reading your posts about your precious girlchild make me deeply wish for one of my own. as of yet, God has seen fit to take our one precious gift home with Him after only 15 week of internal existence. that’s hard to swallow when you’re 19 and barely 3 months married. but we have not yet been crushed though we are hard-pressed. and now it is almost two years later, and we are still waiting.
for this child from me. bearing our mark and His mark. this one for which i have prayed.
I think there must be a special place in Heaven where the Father stores a mother’s prayers, for surely they are some of the most sacred. Blessings on your journey.
Lisa-Jo,
This is just too, too beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with us. I am smiling all over from reading it.
Come back to DC and meet her already!
I read your posts and seriously start crying at my desk. OMG. I’m sure people at work think I’m nuts. I absolutely love reading your posts and get so excited when I see a new one pop into my inbox. :-) Of course that normally means bust out the kleenex! :-)
Oh man, sending waterproof mascara your way STAT :)
I miss those days with my little guy. Just had lunch with him at Kindergarten and filled up his love tank.
Girl, no way! I *just* got back from lunch with my little guy too!! Kindergarten – it’s a big deal! :)
Poetic and perfect. Made me sigh as I felt that same emotion in my mother’s heart.
Lovely! I’m sending this link to my daughter-in-law who lost her mother at age 16 and who now wakes in the night to sing the same love song with her own three-month-old daughter.
Every broken thing redeemed and made beautiful in His time. What a wonder.
Love, Jeanne
This is so beautiful and portrays the life and love so intensely. I understand the childhood lost, the little girl not knowing herself. God is a God of redemption and he gives us just what we need to become whole. May you continue to heal and be the mom you want to be for … your precious daughter.
You write beautifully, I always look forward to reading your posts. You seem very honest which can be hard to do in front of the internet…keep on blogging and I’ll keep reading!
This one makes me hope my next baby is a girl!
That was a beautiful post. Sometimes it feels like your heart will explode you love them so. I have a boy and a girl…the best of both worlds and they are my world. When they were just curly-headed toddlers sometimes my tears would flow with love and they would ask why my eyes had ‘water’. I gave the same response each time – my cup runneth over. Sweet blessings.
Oh my gosh. That was so beautiful.
lisa-jo….
what a beautiful post. and the pictures—they are amazing. what a beautiful picture of the precious love between a mama and her baby girl! and did i mention that Zoe has the yummiest little cheeks????
your way with words just speaks right to my heart. you say exactly what i feel, yet can’t find the words.
Absolutely true and beautiful.
Thank you for sharing these private, intimate thoughts with all of us. So beautiful. I feel so loved, just reading. I know my own mother’s love in a tangible way, and I have the opportunity to return a little bit of it to her as she struggles with Alzheimer’s. Thank you for the perspective. xoxo
Beautiful and so true. My baby girl will be 23 years old next month. Last week we almost lost her. She was in ICU hanging on by a thread, and by the blessed grace our our Father, we got to keep her.
Your words bring back those precious moments all those years ago, spent just like yours. Rocking in the dark, loving, sustaining one another. I would dance barefoot in rain, snow, wind and fire… over and over. Forever. Tears of joy, thanks, relief.
Indeed, Praise God from whom all blessing flow!!!
Blessings to you and yours.
She has her Mama’s eyes :)
Oh, I can completely relate to your heartfelt emotion as I am falling more and more in love with my firstborn daughter, Lydia. She will be 6 months old next week. How old is your precious Zoe? Thank you speaking words that could have come straight out of my heart. There are times when the getting up in the middle of the night wears me completely out but as you said so beautifully, “I love her in the dark wee hours and sigh through her soft whimpers at this having to get up again and again and again.” The love that I have for my girl just grows deeper and stronger the longer shes alive, but honestly, I’d be ok with just stopping time right here and now. I know every stage will bring on something new to love but not sure how I can love her any more than I do right now! Beautiful post, my friend.
Weepingly beautiful. Reminds me to hold my baby boy ever so tightly; as he toddles away from babyhood, toddles away from the clutching comfort of my Mommy-arms.
Your words inspire.
So beautiful! My baby girl is 7 months old, and your words spoke right to my heart! “…I love her so hard it hurts…” – yes!
Your love for your little one is palpable. Being mama it sure is a beautiful thing!
This is so sweet and those pictures are just adorable!!! Will you be bringing your little one to Relevant?
Beautiful blog! My computer had crashed last month & I had lost connection with you. I love your writings! Mylove for my special needs son (38 yrs) still takes my breath away! What a privilege to be his mother.
Yes, it’s this: “All that the deceiver sought to rob me of, all my daughterhood lost for years, are soothed and restored by those five chubby fingers.” This is what I pray for, for the day when I have my own daughters. My relationship with my mom is so complicated and rocky, my feelings about mothers and kids (and especially mothers and daughters) so conflicted, I’m terrified of having kids of my own. But you give me hope, mama, that lost daughterhood and motherhood can be restored. Every time I read your words, I’m a little less afraid. <3 <3
This is absolutely beautiful. I am a mama to four – 20, 17, 11 and 8. What memories of those days, in the wee hours of the morning, when all there was was my breath and theirs. Life is more complicated now, but oh how I love my babies!
I know this feeling. You said it so well. I know that’s how He must feel for us. I get it, and then again, I don’t.
{The third picture down made my heart absolutely melt.}
so so beautiful… i love seeing you as a mama to your sweet baby girl. a whole new journey for you veteran mama of boys… and it’s pure joy. pure joy.
i love you, my vrienden.
What can I say that already hasn’t been said? Beautiful darling :-)
Oh Lisa-Jo, SO beautiful. Thank you for sharing.