The boys know our block well and, like homing pigeons, once we hit it they fly the rest of the way. I see their new khaki pants patched etched against the sky – smudges of speed and delight at the sound of their own hammering feet and hearts and breath racing the sidewalk home.
A passing car, a jogger and these trees with their dying leaves – we watch. Boys panting, whooping, hollering and stamping their wild lives onto this moment. Like so much play-doh the evening makes a silhouette imprint of my two sons and I hold it in my hand.
I am their mother and I still don’t feel old enough for the job.
They ask me a thousand questions in a day and believe I have the answers to every single one. I wish they could see me through my own eyes and understand how much any answer is mostly improvisation. My shadow follows as I push Zoe in the pink stroller that is my friend because it reassures me, “you have a daughter.”
I feel leaves and questions crunch beneath my feet. Surely every parent is filled with the wild hope that they will get it right. That they will do better than their own parents, love fiercer, listen gentler, argue less, support more. I am a six-year-old parent and my dad tells me, “You know, we also wanted to be the best parents possible.”
Fall lines the sidewalk and I remember how I wished for years that my parents would’ve done things differently; I have a wry smile of sympathy now instead.
I have leaves and questions and the red, orange, yellow view from these boughs that must have been watching boys for decades.
From up ahead I can hear them calling for me. The warm doorway smiles at Zoe and I out of the night and I know there will be baths tonight.
Tomorrow is still an improvisation. But tonight, healthy dirt will ring the tub.
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Oh, friend. Thank you for this. I’m doing the ugly cry because I’ve had one of the hardest parenting days ever. And I’ve only said that everyday for the past 2 weeks. {Sigh} Smiling now between the healthy dirt and the improvisation…
And I love you!
It comforts me to know that we’re not alone in our dirt-ringed days :)
You improvise well. It’s better than the rehearsed stuff anyway. Keep it up, sister. You’re rockin’ the Mama Thing.
Hey, sweetie – I’ve been a parent for almost 44 years now, and I’m STILL improvising. I think you’re doing an amazing job. You are right on target – improvisation is the name of the game. Flexibility, openness, clear boundaries for safety’s sake, tons of love and undying hope that all this investment will yield God-blessed results. Pretty much covers it. Sounds like a great fall day to me – and healthy dirt? Yes!
gorgeous.
this makes me want nothing more than to become a mother, to not screw up.
Love this one…for all those days when I-know-I-did-my-best-but-am-not-sure-I-got-it-right…thank you.
beautiful thoughts…so glad all this change stuff is going to be good preparation for parenting :)
Lisa-Jo,
Your ability to notice, to be present in the moments of your parenting life, are exactly the way to make the very most of the ride. My kids are 20 and 15 and I still don’t feel old enough for the job! I constantly ask God, “Are You sure I was the best You could do for them? He chuckles and hugs me and says, “Absolutely! And I made them to be my very best for you!!” Blessings on your beautiful family!
In His Grip,
Shaunie
Since I became a parent I appreciate my own parents much more. :)
Spent the better part of the day with grand daughter in the spooky, wooky woods building an outdoor nesting ground for her imagination. Sunshine warms the heart.
Yes yes it sure does.
I love this post!, and you are not alone, in this!
Love this! So true, all of it.
praise God for healthy dirt!
Praise God kids believe in us… it makes their hearts light, their worry less and gives us time to grow with them along this walk we call life, parenthood, childhood, family…
Praise God for fathers who share that they also wanted to be the best parents possible, for their tender hearts
Praise God for laughter and tears and improvisation, that wonderful gift that all parents have and need
Praise God that He walks along right beside us, every step of the way
I praise God for a Gypsy Mama… and her full heart, to overflowing
It is always fun to follow along … blessings dear one
I wonder every, single, day if I’m doing it right…what a great post.
Your writing is so personal, and completely moving. I love it.
I’ve nominated you for the “Tell Me About Yourself” Blog Award over at http://theraven-hairedgirl.blogspot.com/. Congratulations!
Thank you for writing this, as usual. That “wild hope” of getting it right–it’s such a good reminder to be encouraged because we all fail and succeed, and while I might do it differently than others, all the credit goes to God for any success that I see, and His sovereign hand is still over the failures. It’s also a good reminder to be humble on the good days–I’m not any better than other parents; most of us are doing the best we know how.
Since having children I have a love-hate relationship inside my head with my mom’s parenting style and mistakes . The days I feel I am failing as a parent, are are days when I am filled with compassion for the single mom she was and the job she tried her best to do all alone. The days I feel I just “got this” I wonder why she made the choices she made, did she not know better? Whenever I start to feel smug I have a hard day to remind me that we are all doing just the best we can. She did as well and, while I work hard at not making the same mistakes, I am reminded to also keep the good traditions, the good love, the good parenting heritage.
I totally hear where you are coming from here. Raised by a single Mom and weekend Dad I can find a lot of faults, and even asked a few times why they didn’t know better about certain things (smoking pot while caring for an infant?). Now that I am walking the parent path, I have much more compassion and thank God I know better some of the time.
I also appreciate that they did the best they could.
Oh, don’t we all?! *Improvise*–now there’s my new mantra!
(I still don’t think I’m old enough to be a mom, either!)
I am goinng to miss these days, where everything I say is swallowed hook, line, and sinker by my kids, because I am their ever-present, all-knowing superhero mother! (It’s quite heady to play “God!”) But at the same time, I don’t feel old enough or near enough qualified. Humbling!