After, “I love you,” the words “I’m sorry” might be the most important ones we say to our kids.
Much harder to say, though. Because people don’t like to be wrong and parents especially are used to being right.
I’ve never been particularly good at it. Going first at apologizing to Pete in the early days of our marriage would make my throat close up; words stuck in my mouth. Fists balled in my lap I’d scuff at the carpet and mutter and roll my eyes and leak a wretched excuse out of my stubborn mouth.
Being wrong turned me upside down with deep discomfort.
And I was wrong a lot. Full of self righteous temper tantrums of a young wife I was good at stamping my foot and shaking my finger at the soft-spoken, green-eyed boy who would stand there and watch me with a confused look about him. And inevitably he’d apologize first. Whether he was wrong or not.
We’ve lived in 7 homes since that first one.
And I still don’t like saying sorry. It’s hard and makes me irritable that I was wrong in the first place. And while I may be growing into my big girl pants when it comes to apologizing to other grown ups, put me face to face with a four-year-old’s sweaty, red, weeping face for something mean I hissed at him and I dig in my heels.
I feel justified that I got mad. Because he was mean and mad first.
I want to point it out to him. I want to tell him, “this is your fault because you didn’t listen and traipsed mud all over the entire world and I haven’t slept since 2005 so what did you expect but a totally irrational meltdown of epic proportions from your mother?”
But the thing is, when I’m just revving up into a really good rant a whisper of sanity reminds me of the most annoying thing of all: I am the grown up; he is the child.
Just like that – bam – the gauntlet is thrown.
Will I continue the spiral into two-year-old-foaming-at-the-mouth territory or will I mother up and own my age, my self control and my calling to build up and not break down?
I’m gonna be real honest here and tell you that I don’t always make the better choice.
But the more grey that persists through my determined hair coloring and the more curves that I didn’t have a decade ago that cling lovingly to me, the more I’m learning the power of apologizing to a child.
You see, first you have to humble yourself. You have to get down on your knees in order to be able to look them in the eye. You have to speak quietly to be heard over the storm of their own distress. Sometimes you have to reach out passed a turned back, folded arms, furrowed brow.
You have to be willing to make less of yourself in order to make more of them.
I think that is Gospel waiting down there on the carpet for me to kneel before my son and admit I was wrong.
It’s Gospel preaching to me from below the bunk beds because I’m still bigger than him right now and I’m stronger and I own all the stuff and control all the things in his life. I could drive a mile wide trench across his tiny spirit and leave nothing but tire tracks and he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.
So when I choose to kneel instead and confess my failure and ask for his forgiveness I offer him a lesson in the form of a gift. I teach him that strong people say sorry first. I hold it out with both hands. Some days it takes all my self discipline to do it. But I keep on practicing. I keep on showing him that we don’t get to trample over others just because we can.
I kneel and his small chest stops wobbling and a hot hand takes mine. All that blue cupped in his eyes spills over into mine. And he butts his head into my chest and I wrap grown up arms around this sacred piece of my own soul. I take him back into a safe place where his life depends on mine and by choosing the better way I can still feel him growing up within me.
Practice.
I keep practicing.
So that on a Thursday night I can get it right.
Mandy Scarr
“I teach him that strong people say sorry first. I hold it out with both hands. Some days it takes all my self discipline to do it. But I keep on practicing. I keep on showing him that we don’t get to trample over others just because we can.”
Thank you for this. And for admitting that it’s such an act of the will at points. To be the grownup when you want to join the tantrum.
I love everything about this post. Beautiful and powerful!
I teach him that strong people say sorry first.
Reminds me of my favorite movie quote from Jesus (the one filmed in ’99 with Jeremy Sisto)
“You are a strong man, Peter. Are you strong enough to love?”
Lisa-Jo you are right… sya ”I am sorry” to your little ones is the most difficult thing a parent has to say and do… to admit that sometimes you are wrong and not perfect…
I learned it the hard way… but now I am able to understand that it is important to do it…. even though I am not always able to do it right away… so I find myself to phone my children to say ” I am sorry”‘ later on the day… when I am ready to say it…
But I am practicing…
Cheers
Maddalena
When I read your words it feels like you not only know me but that you live in this house with us.
I love how you say that you apologize even when they were wrong first…like not listening. But, I am guilty of yelling or freaking out instead of staying calm and “being the adult” in the situation…that is what I have to apologize for more often than I care to admit. I am in the middle of writing a post on parent guilt and read this, how funny! Thank you SO much for your honesty and transparency. It was God’s way of helping me this morning. Love ya!
This is so beautiful, and I see so much of myself in this. I laughed at the lack of sleep reference. I don’t think I’ve slept since 2003, when I got pregnant with my first child! It is easy to feel so justified in our completely sinful reactions when we are strung out, worn out, and feel we have given more than is humanly possible. But the gospel calls us to keep on giving, keep on pouring out, with love and grace… And so often I am guilty of trying to do that in myself, and there’s no way I can do that in myself. There’s no way I can live out the humility needed to apologize without His grace either. Thank you, thank you for this great reminder of how important it is. May He give us all the strength to love like this.
Just beautiful. I was blessed to have a Daddy who was really good at this and it left such a huge impression on my tiny heart to have a big, huge adult sitting on my bed and apologizing to ME! I wish that I was as good with my children as he was with us, but, like you, I will keep practicing. So from a child of a parent who apologized, keep trying…it does make a huge impact!
Such good conviction here, Lisa-Jo. Thank you. It’s strangely comforting to know I’m not the only mama out there who struggles with this, with pride and justifications. I’m big enough to know in my heart when my actions are wrong, but am I ‘mothering up’ and confessing that to my child?
And when you do this, you are not only modeling humility, but you are showing your children that they are respected…this will bear much fruit!
Oh, Lisa! This is a gorgeous sentiment, very honest and completely relate-able. I LOVED reading it through the tears in my eyes! Wow, just wow…
It’s even harder to say i’m sorry to teens, but I’m getting better at it and I think they feel appreciated and most especially respected.
Carolina
sewcarolinaknits
Oh, girl. I love this! And you brought tears to my husband’s eyes. SO GOOD!!!!!
Shew…. I have struggled with this so much, especially because I came from a family of yellers in which EVERYBODY was ALWAYS wrong and NO ONE took RESPONSIBILITY. (Or something like that.) So much blame and not a lot of really learning from and dealing with the situation, and no taking responsibility for our own actions.
As I’ve become a mother myself, (and as you have written so lucidly and beautifully here) I’ve learned that I’ve not only got to tell them but I’ve got to live it- model the way of peace, of taking responsibility and showing them clearly what conflict resolution looks like.
That was just lovely. Thank you. I have a seventeen year old son, but it still works on this side too. God bless you.
Lisa Jo – I only know you through this blog (and Twitter), but I love you – you precious woman. I’m a 54 year old pastor’s wife, mom, and Gran Jan to 3 (soon to be four) grandchildren. I love women’s ministry and your blog keeps me current with issues young women in my life/ministry may be facing.
I remember apologizing to my little fellas and now that I’m “on this side” as a parent to grown men, I can say that the discipline and choice to say ‘mommy is sorry’ led to the deep relationships of trust and genuine respect we have for one another today. One of the greatest JOYS in my life is knowing that my boys see me and their dad as genuine Christ followers. We want to model that with our grandchildren too. Just this past weekend my little 4 year old grandson said, “Gran Jan you hurt my feelings.” So I got down on these old knees and pulled him close and apologized and then did what I did with my boys…I asked him, “will you forgive me?” Of course he did – and the sweet fellowship was restored. After all, peace in the home and heart is worth everything.
PS: I love your home country – I visited South Africa 3 years ago and left a piece of my heart there. I hope to return soon.
God bless you all, Gran Jan
I love this post, Lisa-Jo! I was REALLY young when I had my babies (at 17 and then again at 19.) I was never given the gift of an, “I’m sorry” as a child myself; I knew from the moment I found out I was carrying Thing 1 when I was 16 that I would be “better than that.”
My Mr. Amazing and I have never failed to grab the opportunity to apologize to our kids for our wrong doings, but have also made sure to discuss with them what was going on for us that made us behave a certain way without making it an excuse for our behavior.
In saying, “I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier. I had a long day, and have been feeling a bit grumpy; but I had no right to take that out on you. I love you.” I have taught my kiddos to acknowledge their fault/misjudgment, learn to identify the (often hidden) motive behind it, to accept responsibility and to apologize for their own roll in the situation. It has also taught them a lot about how to forgive someone. It has made them conscience of their actions and importance in this world and of the feelings and needs of others.
I can say that I know this is the effect my apologies have had with certainty because Thing 1 and Thing 2 are not little any more. We are looking at colleges this year! Many of the lessons we tried to teach and values we hoped to instill in them are out of our control now. But I am grateful that I was able to show them all along that Mom and Dad are human just like them and can’t always be right; that just because we are the “grown-ups” dosen’t mean that we won’t make mistakes. I know for certain that those lessons have payed off every time I drop a kid off at an ACT club meeting (Act as in ACTION. They volunteer, stand-up against bullying and prejudice, etc.) or at an LGBT meeting because they believe that no matter what our differences may be, unity and respect for others as well as ourselves will be what makes this world a better place. And when my teenage daughter comes downstairs, with humility, to apologize for her, “attitude earlier and for slamming the door like that,” I KNOW that by humbling myself in their honor I have certainly done something right as a parent.
Whew! That’s a long comment! I really just wanted to get across to all you moms that still have little ones that saying I’m sorry, even when it’s hard, REALLY DOES PAY OFF. And that I believe it’s one of the greatest gifts we can give our children. It’s a gift that they will then extend to the world around them.
My dad was always great at saying sorry. I think I’ve heard my mom say it twice.
I’ve always wanted to make sure to be able to apologize to my kids because I cherished that quality in my father. You’re right… it made him stronger in my eyes.
Oh Lisa-Jo, I wish I had been more like this when my kids were young. You show so much wisdom here. I was praying this morning that God would help me show GRACE to my kids rather than condemnation. You say it so much better. Thanks!
Thank you so much!! I really needed this message!
Goodness, I wished we lived next door to you! Truer words were never written about apologizing. Now, please excuse me as I need to apologize to my son for my lack of patience. Many thanks.
Thank you for your honesty. Your words bring clarity and contrition in my own life.
I read this aloud to my husband and had tears streaming down my face by the end. I married a good, good man who has humbled himself so many times on my behalf and taught me the honor and grace in apologies. I hope our sweet little girl will learn from us rather than the hard way.
Lisa-Jo:
This is so spot-on! It’s a lesson I’m trying hard to learn.
“I think that is Gospel waiting down there on the carpet for me to kneel before my son and admit I was wrong.”
I think so, too. This is incredibly beautiful – I think it’s my favorite post ever. (I wish it wasn’t so hard to live out…I am hoping that practice makes perfect, as it feels like I’ve had lots of opportunities lately to do just that.) Thank you so much for sharing your heart.
Yes, I experienced this just today with my 2-year-old. I’m hoping too that she sees strength in admitting a wrong, in apologizing, and in being the one to go first.
Beautifully put, Lisa-Jo. SO hard to do, but so necessary and hugely important. HUGEly. Apologies open space for healing to happen – and all our kids need healing from their parents’ mistakes, missteps and brokenness. Thanks for this – as always.
Yes, and yes, and yes! How else will our kids learn about repentance and forgiveness if we don’t model it for them…Proud of you for being the grown-up, Lisa-Jo…love your words, as usual
There *is* power in the apology isn’t there? A heartfelt “I’m sorry” can turn a wrong day right again.
And mercy, have I had my share of practice.
Love you, LJ. LOTS.
Powerful writing. It can be hard to take responsibility and act like the grown up when all I really want is to rant and rave and be angry and feel justified in it. It is so easy to trample on and break our little people, thanks for the reminder to humble myself and do the hard work of apologizing.
It’s a world changer, you know. Showing our boys that emotions exist and that they’re powerful and that love chooses apology, and then love chooses forgiveness…even for ourselves. It’s hard, I know. But it’s what our son’s (and daughters, too!) need most in this world. I’m convinced.
This is truth.
I apologise to my kids, always. And I always ask them to forgive me. And I’m trying to act better so I don’t have to ask them to forgive me so often!
I was thinking about this very thing, the other day, wondering why I remember many arguments with both of my parents, and many hurtful things my mum said, but I can’t remember hurtful things my dad said. I’m sure he said hurtful things, but I can’t remember them. The only thing I can put it down to is that I can remember my dad apologising when he was in the wrong… but I can’t remember my mum doing that.
That was when I realised how powerful apologies and forgiveness are. I have had to do a lot of work, and hard forgiveness, to heal from those words of my mother. But I think that because my dad apologised, and I forgave, the healing was a lot quicker and easier.
So… I keep saying sorry, admitting I was wrong, and asking for forgiveness, in the hope that the same principle will heal my children’s hearts, and our heart connections.
Lovely, Lisa-Jo.
I agree with this right down to my toes.