The last time I really dressed up to impress a man was probably a decade and a half ago when Peter and I were still in the do-you-notice-me-not-noticing-you-noticing-me phase.
The last time I dressed up to impress another woman was yesterday morning when I painstakingly blow-dried my hair before escorting a group of preschoolers on a field trip to the farm.
To. The. Farm.
Micah’s teacher is the opposite of me in every way. She is petite and effortlessly fashionable with truly great hair. So 7:30am found me determined to tame my own unruly mane. There may also have been eyeliner and a cute purse involved.
No one can make us quite as unsure about ourselves as another woman.
We can stand knee deep in witty conversation holding cup cakes in one hand and our cell phones with brilliant Twitter commentary in the other only to retreat to our rooms and whisper in quiet tears to our husband or roommate or best friend or mom how left out we felt.
We want to matter to the people we think matter.
“What do you want me to do for you?” he asked.
They replied, “Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in your glory.”
We want them to want to spend time with us.
We want them to want to read what we wrote.
We want them to want to share bits of themselves with us that they don’t share with anyone else.
We want them to invite us in.
Into the shared secrets and secret Facebook groups. Into the late night conversations and group blogging communities. Into the vacation, beach house getaways and photos of sunsets on the beach.
Into the conferences and ad campaigns, into the Skype calls and mom’s groups, into the planning committees and vacation plans.
We want in.
Left on the wrong side of the door I can regress into a third grade version of myself in mere minutes.
Lisa-Jo the too tall. Lisa-Jo the awkward. Lisa-Jo the sticky-out-eared-teenager.
Lisa-Jo the too loud. Lisa-Jo the too much mom-talk, too much South African, too much opinion.
There is a voice that whispers all the reasons we deserve to be out.
There is a voice that taunts.
There is a voice that remorselessly lists every time we’ve found ourselves on the outside and revels in each remembering.
There is a voice that will hypnotize if we let it. That will poison and paralyze our friendships by focusing on the moments when we felt excluded.
Blink.
Just blink and see that it’s a mirage.
The illusion that there’s an inner ring we’ve been left out of; the lie that we’ve been left out on purpose.
We’re built for friendship, yes. This is what moms and women can do for each other. We have community in our bones. And when we’re desperate and blinded by the taunting mirage of the inner circle we will drink the sand- angry, gritty, bitter and confused.
When the ten heard about this, they became indignant with James and John.
We can fight to find a way in or we can love on the women where we’re at.
We can obsess over who didn’t talk to us or we can focus on the woman we’re talking to.
We can keep looking for a seat at a more popular table or we can pass the bread basket and an introduction to the women sitting right where we already are.
Everyone is on the outside of something. But that is only half the story.
We are all on the inside of something often without even realizing it.
Do you see?
Blink.
Do you see them? Your people.
Look around.
Wipe the mirage out of your eyes.
Now, who do you see?
::
{Revised from my post that originally appeared last year on incourage.me.}
Girl… You are in my head with this!!! And that’s a lot of exclamation marks, but I just needed to hear this so badly today… so, so badly.
We all need the reminder, don’t we.
So beautiful. So right on. So what I needed to hear tonight. Pushing forward in where God was leading me with the women I’m blessed to be around right now thanks to these words.
Thanks for being a safe circle for me, Erin.
Great read and great reminder for all of us. May the Lord richly bless those relationships with which we are in the depths of and may we care a little less about what we wish we could have with someone else.
“The taunting mirage of the inner circle.” Yes! I feel it! I have struggled with feeling so outsiderish in this world of bloggery, and you’ve nailed it, so nailed it. Looking for my “inside of something” now. These words of yours are exactly what I needed to read tonight. Thanks.
Thank you Lisa-Jo for posting some of my innermost thoughts and worries. It is shameful the way we woman get caught up in this never ending desire to be a part of something….. When in fact, we already are. May God bless you and your precious family.
This hits a little too close to home as I am constantly thinking I am left out & I do sometimes hear that small voice asking what about ____? And, it is easy for me to sweep that quiet voice aside as I continue to long to be apart of something “bigger”. How sad that we could miss out on amazing opportunities/relationships/connections right before our eyes, because we are too busy looking elsewhere. Thank you for this.
This was such great encouragement for me today! Love the perspective. Thank you!
This echoes so much of what I’ve been hearing the Spirit say to my discouraged, tired self. Especially this part . . “love on the women where we’re at.” Thanks for reminding me of the beauty of my “inside” view!
Oh boy did you get me tonight. I was just explaining (okay I was whining) to my husband about the one person that had stopped following me on twitter. I needed to read your words tonight. Thank you for reminding me to stop acting like my 3rd grade self and focus on those around me.
So true. And you know what I’ve realized lately? When I get all worried about who’s not “letting me in” it’s as if I’ve invited you over to dinner, but I keep peeking out my front door, or checking my phone to see if so-and-so has contacted me — noticed me — and invited me over to her house for dinner.
Thanks for reminding me that my table and the people sitting there are important. And that there is always room for more. Always.
Beautiful example there of having someone over for dinner but looking at the door and checking the phone to see who else is there!
This is a wonderful post. I always think about how women don’t only have the pressure of men looking at us but also, and even more unnerving, pressure from all the other women looking as well. This is a beautiful reminder to be God’s best in the place we are among those who truly care.
Thank you for sharing this. It is so true, and it is a lesson I have learned many times, but for some reason I have to keep being reminded that it isn’t who loves me, but who I love, that will make me happy.
I have moved many times over the past several years and feel the sting of being outside more deeply with each move. In 2012 I actually lived in 3 different states one of them being my home state and I still felt left out there. I am really starting to realize that maybe things are not nearly as bad as I have been thinking they are and maybe it’s time to grow where I have been planted.
“No one can make us quite as unsure about ourselves as another woman.”
This hits the nail on the head, right into the wall that I’m flowering, so to speak. I feel like that little voice you mentioned has me trapped. Those other women are always in and I’m always out, no matter how much I try to give…it just isn’t enough to get in, not even really a foot in the door. I’ll always be on the outside – at least that is how it seems quite often.
Your posts are always so timely…you seem to know just where my heart is at the time. Have a blessed week.
Dear Lisa-Jo
Being a South Aftican myself, I immediately enjoyed your typical South African humor. We do have a way of teasing one another about just about all our booboo’s in life. Yet, your words ring loudly with much wisdom and truth. This is quite an universal problem! Women will be women will be women; everywhere … every age! And they can be so jealous of one another! I think that we will only truly be delivered from this propensity once we learn how to live deeply in our Lord Jesus.
Bless you, Lisa-Jo
Wow. I applaud you for every word that you wrote. I feel left out ever so often and it really takes a lot of conscious effort for me to realise how ridiculous I just feel. That I am a grown woman and still feel the need to belong to the inner circle and that they deliberately do not let me in. It is really hard sometimes.
Thank you so much for writing this!
Great post. I like how the biblical quotes illustrate your point about clique behavior. Takes me back to the first time I experienced the parent/”mean girl” effect.
This is a badly needed reminder for me. I look longingly at the groups I am not a part of, and question myself as to what I’m doing “wrong,” instead of looking at the groups I am in, and being thankful for the special friendships and connections He has given me.
Amen
Being present, content and passionate about the “here” is so on my heart right now. I had been thinking of it more about where I’m living or the season of mothering I am in… The call to remember there is a right-here aspect to women and friendships and community is perfect for me today! Thank you.
Getting dressed up for the farm is funny, but this is so so true. I totally dress up for girl nights, even if I’ve been makeup less for days. Must remember that it is not a competition-there is abundance!
Ooooo felt this way for longer than I care to remember. Still do sometimes, it’s hard to trust and be vulnerable but I am learning! What helps me is that Jesus was rejected too and the student is not above the Master.
Great encouragement for all women!
Wow…so good to know that you feel this way, too. That’s another mirage that the enemy constructs– that we are alone in feeling this way. Thanks for shining a light on this. Bless you!
You get me! Thank you for that. I just started my journey as a stay-at-home Mommy with my 6 and 4 year old boys. There’s a subculture of Mom cliques that I’m observing. I’m finding it a bit hard to “get in” but after reading this, I think I’m fine the way I am and how I am. :)
Wow, that hit home. Just last night I found myself upset that no one on a mom’s forum had commented on my post about my child’s health problem. Then I listened to myself and realized how juvenile I sounded. The people who actually know me and my child care, so what difference does it make how many responses I get from strangers online? Thanks for acknowledging this trend among moms to be just as clique oriented as our preteen daughters!
This is so me!!! Thanks for writing this, I needed it!!! Wow!!!
Sometimes it’s good to remind ourselves we aren’t 14 anymore and take a few deep breaths and dig into the community that is around us. There will always be “mean girls” but when you’re at peace with yourself and aren’t worried about what the “cool kids” are doing, that’s when you find your groove. It’s taken a long to time to understand this, and it’s still hard and frustrating, but seeing through the mirage makes it easier! What a great and much needed post!!
It’s a ‘been there, done that” (sometimes still doing) kind of post. The small talk women stand in circles and engage in just doesn’t make sense to me. I want to know what book they are reading or what God is speaking to them about. Needed to read this to know I’m not alone.
I’m a pastor’s wife. Ministry life can be full of perceived cliques, especially for leaders. It helps me see past those barriers to focus on Christmas and treat every lady the same no matter how I feel I am treated. Thanks for the great reminders!
I meant “focus on Christ.”. Hate auto correct! :)
Guilty! Although I’ve tried to tame it down this year. I am part of a leadership team that puts on a MOMS group every Tuesday morning. You’d be amazed at how many mamas show up looking just perfect.
I tried, I failed, I no longer care.
I love this. Thanks for sharing.
This is so beautifully written and SUCH a truth we women need to hear and be reminded of. I just love your insight! Thank you!
Both encouraging & convicting. Thank you for this.
I have been there so many times (and sometimes I still am) and I love how you put words to what so many of us feel. But in the last few years I’ve really begun to embrace the beauty of being on the outside. There’s something special about that, too. I can observe and learn a lot about people that way. Plus it’s quieter there and easier for me to hear the voice of God.
Lisa-Jo, this is so me right now. Amazingly, I have been thinking about that essay “The Inner Ring” a lot lately. I remember the first time I read that essay and although I was all alone in the house, I turned red with embarrassment. Because it’s truth is just something we don’t want to touch on. Thank you for going there with this post. And thanks God for another confirmation of the truth about the Inner Ring.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
My college minister pounded this into our heads throughout my five years of college. I’m so glad he did, even as I sighed every time he said it. I knew the quote, but didn’t understand it. It’s definitely a learning process, but an important one. Thank you for this reminder. And the challenge to focus on those who are already around us. :)
Wow, Lisa-Jo, this is so true, and so “me” even though it isn’t all about me! Thanx so much for sharing and being so open. Most of “us” women allow how we see ourselves to be reduced our self-image to that awkward feeling teen we were, on into our adult lives. But it is difficult to shake, even as a Believer. We must remind ourselves that our identity is in Christ. I dislike being so self-conscious, ’cause then I too often forget to be more a part of whatever is going on, even if no one is purposefully “including” me. In this state of mind, we are less likely to see beyond our feelings to others needs/hurts. One remedy is to force yourself to look for ways to reach out to others, look beyond ourselves. As for “cliques” when I build the nerve, I forge gently into “circles” and most of the time, no one is offended. In fact, not everyone is sure how to include others or make others feel included. It seems to me that those who are purposefully exclusive, themselves have low self-image, or self-esteem and feel most emotionally safe in small circles of friends. That is a fearful and selfish way to live, but it is all too common. It is really the opposite of how Jesus tells us in the Bible to live. Truly, Jesus is the best example of including the outcast. With Christ’s help we can encourage each other through our awkward humanness!
Wow, Lisa-Jo, this is so true, and so “me” even though it isn’t all about me! Thanx so much for sharing and being so open. Most of “us” women allow how we see ourselves to be reduced our self-image to that awkward feeling teen we were, on into our adult lives. But it is difficult to shake, even as a Believer. We must remind ourselves that our identity is in Christ. I dislike being so self-conscious, ’cause then I too often forget to be more a part of whatever is going on, even if no one is purposefully “including” me. In this state of mind, we are less likely to see beyond our feelings to others needs/hurts. One remedy is to force yourself to look for ways to reach out to others, look beyond ourselves. I am naturally an observer and quiet, so I am not always a part of inner circles, but at times wish more so. As for “cliques” when I build the nerve, I forge gently into “circles” and most of the time, no one is offended. In fact, not everyone is sure how to include others or make others feel included. It seems to me that those who are purposefully and rudely exclusive, themselves have low self-image, or self-esteem and feel most emotionally safe in small circles of friends. That is a fearful and selfish way to live, but it is all too common. It is really the opposite of how Jesus tells us in the Bible to live. Truly, Jesus is the best example of including the outcast. With Christ’s help we can encourage each other through our awkward humanness!
My family & I moved recently and I feel such an overwhelming paralysis among all the women in our new community, like I’m the new kid in school. Thanks for the beautiful reminder that there’s a place at the table for me wherever I am.
LJ! I so don’t want this to be me. I so don’t want to share and admit this. Alas, this is where He’s led me — to a life willing to be vulnerable. So, here I am: I just wrote in my journal this morning all my fears about wanting to be *in* and chosen and wanted and liked and enough.
I’m anxious and fretful about a potential new job that I have been called for out of the blue and now wait to hear about. I just want to be enough. And standing at a press conference a few weeks ago I didn’t feel good enough. I felt as though the call would dissolve. I’d get another call someday that says “never mind, we found our person and you’re not it. I found someone better.” Or that I won’t get the call at all. I know the truth. I know what to do. I know and because of that I’m afraid to say my fears because I’m afraid I’ll just get truth tossed back at me and then feel shame that I didn’t just live by the truth that I know. (ugh!) ;-) Messy. Eh?
And yet, to see your own vulnerability is what helps. And to know that we’re all real messy together. And the biggest thing: we’ll never fully arrive. we’ll always need His affirmation of His love for us and to remind us that He’s all Who matters.
Your post . . . thank you for your choice to worship in the vulnerability today. :) (hugs)
Amen – sometimes we try so hard to fit in with the wrong crowd, instead of truly appreciating the friends that God has placed in our path. I learned a long time ago to appreciate the friends God places in my life, and as I learned not to worry about trying to mold myself into a new person that others might like. Instead, I present myself as I am, and if you like me, hallelujah! We can be friends. If you don’t like me, God bless you anyway, and I pray you find someone else that you do like. :)
This was a good article for women to read. Thanks for posting.
Love,
Cheryl
I have purposefully isolated myself from people to avoid the exact thing you write about. Instead of embracing community I focused on my job and am now working through recovery from depression and anxiety. Today I met with a few women from my day treatment program. I had to force myself to go…to extend myself beyond the barriers I have erected to protect myself from hurt, disappointment, feeling left out. Each of the women I met with has their own unique struggle–but we have in common open minds, open hearts and acceptance. These are rare qualities and I was brought to tears as I felt their love and acceptance. I feel blessed to have them in my life and hope I can open my heart a bit each time we meet to truly feel the love and blessings a community of accepting, loving women can provide.
So good and so right : )
This is so needed! I think you might need to post it once a quarter as a reminder. :-)
Thanks for writing this inspiring post! It is so true. How often do we bring HS and the struggles with acceptance into our adult lives?? The need to feel accepted, or matter to someone is a constant void that I also try to fill: as a mother, wife, friend, daughter…the list goes on! Thanks for reminding us to refocus and to help those who are standing right next to us.
Oh dear. I remember this post from it’s first time published… it was familiar from the very first line. What does that say about me, I wonder! Regardless, it is truth-full and good. Thank-you for sharing this with the world again.
Perfectly written. It speaks to all of us. Thank you.
After struggling with depression and anxiety for fourteen years and beginning to see the other side of it, I often feel like I’m on the outside looking in. Most of the time I’m not. Most of the time, others are just as much looking in looking for friendship as well. I’m trying to be the one to start things. To invite others to do things. It’s been met with a positive reception and I find myself more likely to find friends to spend time with and rely on.
Very good.
I’ve found that when I remember my job is to serve, not to be served, I do better. In fact, I think that is the cure.
Also, when I remember that a friend is not something to HAVE.
A friend is something to BE.
Then I’m okay.
Thanks for a beautifully-written piece.
Email me? :)
I already started referring to myself as “The Invisible Man” at the office now that all my friends (all 6 of them) have left for new opportunities.
Your post today really touched something inside. It also made me realized that i am not the only person feeling like this.
I’ve decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and to reach out to other mothers. We all need a shoulder and a friendly face every now and then.
You have an amazing writing voice! Your heart pours out – warmth and raw honesty. SOOOOO needed. Lol
Yes! Thank you for this, Lisa-Jo. Thank you for reiterating what God has been revealing to me elsewhere lately.
Thank you for being obedient in sharing the hard truths! Loved this and shared it!