When did we learn to hate our bodies?
I’m trying to find the line in time.
The point between then and now that explains the how –how our daughters can go from running with abandon on unselfconscious legs to running for the work of losing those last few pounds. And then some more after that.
I want to find the location on the map, the longitude and latitude that mark the spot when the mirror became a critic. Instead of simply a reflection of all that beauty that rises from the inside with the tide of a life loved. People to nurture. Hearts to hold. Baskets full of hot crusty bread.
Who taught us to hate the shape of a gentle belly still softly swollen with the memory of life? Or arms that give comfort, pillow tears.
Who erased the line between before and after this body bore kids? Who said that stretch of time wouldn’t ring us around with age?
Who taught us to be ashamed?
None of that for the oak and her honorable life marked down to the very bones of her body. Each year of growth, and change, and breaking, and reaching still higher for the heavens marked with ring upon ring of life that she doesn’t try to hide.
When did disguise become as necessary to being a mother as having children?
The oak trees bend and sing in the wind, their rings layer upon layer of life.
Each year and baby and change as beautiful as the body of the tall, wild, wonderful oaks so comfortable in their skin. I want to own my years. Trace the memories engraved into the laugh lines in my face, the dimples in my belly, the wrinkles that wink from the corners of my eyes.
My two year old reminder sits next to me in the bathroom as I apply makeup. “You so beautiful mama,” she says. And I know she means it. Because she tells me the exact same thing every night when we’re both exhausted and the mascara has smudged dark circles beneath my eyes.
Her skin is as flawless as her innocence. And I don’t want to be the first to paint over it.
Not with the baggage handed down from one woman to the next – the secret sigh of the scale – that whispers malcontent over a lifetime of mealtimes.
I get that healthy matters.
It’s just that I want her soul to grow up well fed.
So I let her tiny fingers trace patterns on the tummy that stretched to house her baby body.
I don’t shrink away from my swim suit. Even on the days I wish it was several sizes smaller. We sit on the bed side by side and talk about our strong legs, she softly fingers the scars that line mine. And I tell her the stories behind them.
She sees me laugh into the mirror and watches my reflection in her father’s eyes.
How he makes me beautiful because it’s how he sees me.
“We’re girls,” I whisper into her curls and she giggles and hugs me hard, all arms and legs wrapped tight around the body I practice loving.
I practice.
Deliberately.
Loving every season of this body that has been gifted to me.
Standing with arms spread wide against the rising tide of dissatisfaction my culture whispers about women.
She whispers back to me as we’re sitting on the sofa, both in our PJs and socks, “Mama, you my vewy, vewy, vewy best friend.”
And I am determined to be that.
{Photos by the incomparable Mallory MacDonald.}
This is beautiful! Thank you for sharing.
Lisa-Jo, this made my cry. Another Mom and I were talking about this very subject this morning while we are on the track exercising.
Thank you for writing … I am sharing!
Love,
Beth
Oh, these photos of your two! Thank you for these images and for your wise words. Yes, God makes us beautiful. I want to honor what He has made. And I struggle. And I have a daughter, too. Grateful for your post today.
These photos reminded me that there is beauty in ourselves we don’t see when we’re so busy worrying about our weight. I want her to grow up with the joy of being a woman. So I keep practicing… :)
I just love this post! The other night while getting ready for bed my 3 year old got my scales out of the closet. I cringed…and asked her what she was doing. Her reply, “Mommy I’m measuring my feet”! Lol. I was so relieved, thank God she didn’t know what I did with it. These little girls watch our every move. And God is working on my self image through my daughter.
Thank you Lisa-Jo for loving your body and encouraging all of us daughters of the King to do the same! Love how you are honest about it taking practice! :-) Blessings!
Lisa-Jo, this was absolutely beautiful and it was a much needed reminder. So often, I only see the flab, the stretch marks, and the number on the scale, and I forget what those all represent…they represent the 5 beautiful babies God has given to me, three of them being girls. I hate the lies and the curse that tells us that, as women, we need to look a certain way and weigh a certain amount in order to be “beautiful”. Thanks again for the beautiful reminder….you ARE beautiful and I love the pictures of you and your sweet Zoe.
Your beauty shines through your words. I love the interaction with your daughter and the words you share. We need to remind ourselves that beauty is is far greater than our skin. Delightfully crafted!
Dear Lisa-Jo
I never had a daughter but if I had one, I would have been so honored to have been her best friend! A.W.Tozer once said that God created our bodies and He is not ashamed of His handiwork. That meant a lot to me. I think shame tiptoed into creation that day in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve lent out their ears to the great deceiver.
Blessings XX
Mi
Great post! So “vewy, vewy beautiful.” You can be the generation that stands at a crossroad and changes directions, changes how women view themselves.
Oh! Lisa Jo, yes! Yes!
My one and only daughter, she’d gone through a year or two where she didn’t accept me calling her precious or beautiful or pretty or anything!! Then we reread the Little House series and she told me, “yes, Ma,” the girls always say and then ma says, “That’s my good girls.” and we started playing that, just imitating playfully but I saw in her eyes, her soul drinking it in. Praise the Lord for help!!
Today she told me, “I wouldn’t know what to do with a skinny mom.”
Yeah, okay, but maybe a more energetic and happy one?
You blessed my heart, Lisa Jo. I’m going to practice thanking God for my body, too.
As a step-momma to 3 beautiful girls, I struggle with this! I make a conscious effort every day not to belittle my own body. I want my girls to know that things like makeup and fashion are fun, but they don’t define who we are or make us pretty.
How we act towards others (and ourselves) and our self-confidence matter SO much more!
Thank you, as always, for sharing your beautiful family and stories!
Love this my friend. So beautifully written and well said. Pinning and sharing now.
Love this! After watching my mother hate her body for years, and tell me about it I determined that my kids would never hear me say, “I’m so fat.” I’ve wanted them to hear words like healthy and strong. But I still struggle with the well-grooved pattern of this world etched in my mind and awakened by the images and promises of the magazine rack. It’s a deep groove. I believe it’s being filled in as I look to Jesus and not to the magazine rack, but it takes time. I know most women (every woman?) struggles with this to some degree or another. But I do hope that my girls will have less of a struggle than I have had because they don’t hear Mom talking about her discontent with her body. Thoughts?
I don’t know if there’s a specific place on the map. But with two daughters now watching, I’m hoping to not find it. I tell them they are beautiful as often as I can (at 2 and 4 months they’re a little young for talking about exactly what that means). I am try to etch that word so deep in their souls before the world tries to steal it from them.
Lately, my oldest has been holding toys up to my post-baby stomach, “Listen to the baby?” And it stings, but I only tell her that there’s no baby in there any more.
Thank you for this. What I needed to hear today.
Oh, wow did I need this today. I gave birth to my third sweet girl 10 weeks ago & I am having a hard time making peace with my body. It’s just not shrinking back to normal like it did the first two times! I might need to bookmark this & read it over & over!
I really needed to read this today. Thank you! I just had my second baby 13 weeks ago and my body is so different. I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight but I am in a bigger size. Regular clothes still do not fit like they did though my size is basically the same. I went to a funeral Sunday and spoke to a man I very much respect and love that has been battling cancer. It was his mother-in-law’s funeral and as I went over to speak to him he said jokingly “so are you still pregnant?” I laughed and said of course not. He knew that I had already had the baby and I’m not sure what kind of medication he was on but his next words were “oh so you’re just fat.” I laughed it off and made a comment about well my blouse was just extra big. I was shocked and embarrassed by his course words but I knew in my heart that this was not him and just some medication speaking but the words still sting.
May I be honest?
I completely agree with you that freedom does come when we are not bound by what the culture says is ideal. But I think much of the upcry from girls saying they are “soo fat” is that they often “mimic” that cultural mode to fit in, whether they really, in their heart, believe they are fat or not.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a healthy, fit, toned body, as long as it isn’t obsessive and it is really want a woman wants for herself and thinks is pretty. Most women may agree they look better and feel better when they are fit. Being middle aged, I have to remind myself that the amount of effort I put into staying fit will reflect how mobile and/or independent I am in my old age.
I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with NOT wanting to be skinny or fit as long as you aren’t unhealthy.
If we get the love and nurturing we need as children, as you have written about, it is possible to pursue health, a strong, fit body, AND have a well-fed soul.
This brought wells of water to my eyes. I still am on a struggle of a journey with this subject and I CAN NOT pass this view onto her. This is very beautiful and a great reminder for girls to be who they are because that is beautiful. Thank you. I’m sharing this too
It’s amazing the way we women struggle to find that contentment Lisa-Jo. At my age, as the wrinkles and lines become deeply etched and everything sags in all the wrong places – there is still that struggle to accept and somehow see it as beautiful. You are teaching her well.
Beautifully written, Lisa Jo! I’m a fitness instructor, and I am surrounded by toned, fit bodies and definitely feel the tug to worry too much about my own figure. I love strong muscles and am happy to have them, but I also want to love my body’s reminders that I have carried 5 little bodies inside of it. I am so much better about being kind to my body than I used to be, and I think a huge part of it is that my first little girl is getting older (she’ll be 3 in 10 days), and I don’t ever want her getting garbage in her head about not being “thin enough” or “pretty enough” from me. My own mother did an exemplary job of never speaking ill of her own figure, and I STILL ended up with tons of body hatred as a preteen/teen, so I can’t imagine how much more amplified that would be if you had to listen to your mother bemoan the width of her hips or the jiggle around her middle.
Anyway, your words are so eloquent and timely as I found myself dissatisfied with my reflection at the gym this evening…even though it was perfectly fine.
P.S. We never officially met at Allume, but I was the girl with the funky, curly mop of hair that complimented your Noonday bag in the hallway one day and shut down the inCourage session by waving at a fly another day (that wasn’t embarrassing at all). Not sure if that helps you place me at all, and I wish I had actually introduced myself, but I wanted to say how much I enjoyed your sessions/panels (and also how much I enjoyed your fun accent; I have South African friends who have much stronger accents than yours, but it was still fun to hear the echoes of their way of talking :)).
~Abbie
You certainly have a wonderful way with words…you are amazing! We have 4 daughters and I remember a time when our youngest (now 21) was 3, and was watching me get ready for the day one morning and I was frustrated that my hair wasn’t turning out the way I wanted it to. She very quietly said “It’s not what you look like Mommy, it’s about who you are!” I remember feeling amazed by what she had said! She was, and still is a girl that doesn’t say much, but when she does, she really makes an impact! She continues to know what’s really important in life!
Love this post! I also think that this is so important not only for daughters but for sons too. so that they can grow up knowing that they can appreciate their own bodies. women arent the only ones who struggle….not just that but to also love their future girlfriends and wives bodies just the way they are. and to be there when they are having a tough time with their image. to say to them that they are beautiful exactly how they are.
What does it look like to deliberately practice loving your body? I have struggled with this for over 20 years. I can already see it coming on in my 5 year old daughter. Would you please share some of the ways you practice this? Thank you for this blog post. I really needed it. I am going to pray that God will soften my heart toward my own body.
I pray that if I ever have a daughter, I can pass bodily confidence on to her. I didn’t have that modeled for me growing up, but I want to model it for the girls in my life – be in my own daughters or the middle schoolers I teach. Thank you.
Beautiful post and I have thought of it many times myself. At what point did we become our own critics? When did the beautiful tummy that grew and protected my child, their cocoon for 9 months become a thing of shame? This is a great reminder. To our daughters who view themselves negatively and to our sons who should embrace their wives no matter what…wrinkles, stretchmarks and all. Thanks for writing this!
This was so great to read. I struggled for years to accept my body, and I still do some days if I’m being honest. It’s easy to refuse to read the magazines and watch the videos that send us the message that unless we look a certain way, we aren’t good enough. But it’s almost impossible to shut up that little voice in your head once it’s been allowed to take up residence! I made a decision years ago, when my daughter was still tiny, that I would never criticize my body around her or in a way that she would hear about it, especially once she reaches her teenage years and her mind and heart will be so delicate where body image is concerned. I didn’t want her to grow up thinking that it’s just normal for women to hate their bodies or at least, never be satisfied with them. And I’ve managed to do it. I hope it’ll be enough to make her strong in the face of all the body hate that gets lobbed about out in society. I hope that I can build her a solid foundation upon which her body image can grow, so that no matter what her body is like when she’s grown, she will know that it is beautiful and good and fine just the way it is and she won’t have to spend years worrying about it like I did.
This was beautiful. I was just reading though a blog whose writer was so distraught over failing on a diet and how she felt. Her hair was falling out, she was a mess. My heart broke because I wondered then how many other mamas feel when they look at themselves in the mirror. Why is it we can’t come next to each other and encourage each other, but instead we come competing with each other. I love all mamas. We are so special. Our bodies created perfectly by God to give life. God bless and thank you for sharing such a sweet post, especially from a mama of 6, 5 of them girls!