I’m not sure why parent-teacher conferences intimidate me so much. I just know that they do.
It’s like all my memories from 12 years of school all mush down into this lump of insecurity in my tummy and I have to haul it into the minivan and down the road and into the school parking lot with me. And it’s so much worse than when I was the student because I love my children with a fierce intensity I had no idea I could feel about anyone, least of all myself during the middle school years.
Going into those meetings is like welcoming conversation and commentary about the deepest parts of your own heart.
And I know that we’re not supposed to let ourselves be defined or judged or whatever by our kids and their behavior. But tell that to any mom who is sitting outside the principal’s office or in that hard chair outside the teacher’s homeroom and suddenly she’s 8 all over again.
I made hesitant eye-contact with the other moms in the hallways and watched them wait in their grown up clothes and high heels and make up but I knew that on the inside they all had pimples and braces all over again because there we were – back at the beginning.
My sons could not be more different.
One is your classic firstborn and one is your classic middle child.
I want to go to battle for them.
For all their glorious differences.
They are each these awfully unique parts of me. How do I squish years of loving them and understanding them into 20 minutes?
Because there’s a rather large part of me that wants to sit down at their precious, little, messy desks and stroke the wood and maybe lay my head down next to his name tag and howl about how BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL AND SMART this boy is and how I can’t even fathom that he no longer fits on my lap and how is it possible he is LEARNING SO MANY THINGS WITHOUT ME?
But instead, I simply try to remember four things when I walk into a parent-teacher conference:
1- I need to ask their teacher for at least one thing they did really GREAT. I make sure of it. Because I know I need to come home with something great to report (especially if it’s been a challenging season) Even if it’s how good they are at being the line-leader or washing all the paint brushes or eating their lunch. I know they’ll need that. And so will I.
2- I want to know one specific thing that we can embrace as a CHALLENGE – that’s what we call it at our house. A challenge – because that implies going to battle, heroics, courage – what can I say, I have boys. They love challenges. And prioritizing one specific thing helps achieving it seem less intimidating and way less demoralizing than coming home with a list of scattegories that are all failures. So I frame it like a challenge – instead of failure. We embrace challenges. Because everyone needs a good challenge to shoot for; to grow.
3- I want their teachers to believe me when I say that we are PARTNERS. I don’t want to be defensive, I want to be totally open to learning about my children from these people who have such a unique 6 hours a day with them. So if they tell me that my kid is showing attitude or using bad language or disrespecting the sub, I BELIEVE THEM. And then we work together to figure out what comes next in the plan.
4- I want to help WRITE MY KIDS’ STORIES, not simply resign myself to being a passive reader. This has made all the difference during years when a son has been particularly trying for his teacher (and, let’s face it, his mother). Taking the time to email and share a specific insight into my son, what his name means, how we’re nurturing his character, what goals we’ve set for him – these equip a teacher and remind a mother that she’s not a passive participant, but an active, radical story shaper.
And then I come home and make dates with my sons.
To root for them. To laugh with them. To share their greats as well as their challenges.
And to eat ice cream. Lots of ice cream.
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So true! I was surprised how much nerves I had and what insecurities were creeping up on me! Those are great 4 pointers: and for each one, the first person who needed to hear it, believe it and say it was me! I reached for His hand to steady me and reached out to the teacher. I affirmed how hard their job is, but I also made sure they knew I was a responsive parent and working really hard with my son at home. It isn’t easy when they assume that a kid who doesn’t really enjoy school/sit still is probably not well-disciplined and so on… each time my kid is evaluated; i feel it’s really about my mothering! Thanks!
Thank you for this. I have such a difficult time with progress reports (just brought home yesterday) and parent/teacher interviews (later this week). I understand why my son is being “graded” as he is, but it can also feel like I am the one being issued all those “needs improvements” and those very few “satisfactories”. It can be so easy to feel defeated, for both me and my son. Thank you for reminding me that I can continue to be proactive and positive.
GREAT wisdom here!!!!!! While I am long past parent teacher conferences, I get to spend time with moms who are still in the trenches. This will be WONDERFUL to pass along!
Stay the course!!!!!!
I tend to define my mothering skills by my children’s behavior. I know I’m not supposed to, but when they are struggling, I think of all the things I do wrong. When they succeed, I pat myself on the back as if it was “my” achievement. 9 years in, and I’m still learning this thing they call “mother”. My boys are also classic oldest and youngest, and completely opposite.
I really needed this teaching today as my youngest struggles with keeping his hands to himself in kindergarten. I feel very defensive when the notes come home in his folder. Thank you for being the champion for mothers, Lisa-Jo! This was such an inspirational and educational post for me!
My child may be older and have Down Syndrome, but it still applies. I guess I learned it from my parents. Being involved in the education of your child is just part of being a Mom. I may face extra challenges, but get inspired by my child to dig a little deeper into what is going on around her. Some may call it being proactive, I call it being Mom and being aware of the different things going on with my child.
Great post! Thank you!
Wow. Thank you for this. You nailed it. I have 2 boys and have the same, fierce intensity for them I never knew was possible. I went to 12 years of Catholic school and was petrified of any negative feedback then. I instantly am transported back to those days when sitting in front of my kids’ teachers – the small chairs probably don’t help.
I’m actually heading to a parent-teacher conference about my younger son today and I really appreciate your suggestions. I’m going to put them into action in a few hours – especially the one thing he did GREAT and one CHALLENGE.
Thank you so much!
Know this too. From the other side of the desk (I’m a homeschool mom now after 4 years in public and 3 in private school teaching)
Many many times, the teachers are just as tired, scared and nervous as you are.
As a former kindergarten and first grade teacher, I can honestly say conferences were one of my favorite times. In evaluating strengths (and progress) of the student, the challenges (areas needing work) for the student, and honestly laying out a journey path that both parent and teacher are working on with the child…progress is often measurable. As a teacher it has been my job to see beyond just what they are doing in class and to who they are and where they come from. And that is what we often want as adults, too. Someone who will ‘see’ us and not just what we ‘do’.
Thanks for this Lisa-Jo. Tough conference last week and I struggle between wanting to defend and wanting to partner. Thanks for sharing that I’m not the only one.