{I’m taking some time to share parts of the story that ended in our cross cultural marriage over the next few weeks. You can read part 1 here and part 2 over here to catch up.}
We spent almost all of our first year together apart. This South African girl was stateside at college and her Midwest all-American guy was in Europe learning the ways of books older than either of us and cultures more ancient than the books.
I made a strange discovery in the midst of my missing him.
What I had felt at midnight under a cherry blossom tree on the capital mall; what I had felt walking home in a DC rain storm, sweating from the humidity, hand-in-hand; what I had felt over candles and chocolate mousse on board a Potomac river night; what I had felt when he first whispered the three most electrifying words in the English language – I love you – I couldn’t seem to access anymore.
Airmail arrived slowly; phone calls were few and far between, memories faded faster than the photographs I had. And it scared me. I knew I wanted to marry this boy with the green eyes and baseball-mitt-sized hands, but I didn’t feel it in the goose bump inducing way I used to on our first fourth of July.
So I called the man who had known me the longest. I called my dad.
I shared with him, half embarrassed, my discovery that what I knew and what I felt didn’t quite match up anymore. “Dad, I know I love Pete, and that I’m going to marry him. But I just don’t feel like I love him, you know? With him gone so long I can’t find the feeling anymore.”
I could hear my dad’s smile echoing through his words from all the way across the Atlantic, “Oh my darling, that’s because you’re confused. Love is not a feeling; it’s a choice.” And with those eight words he permanently changed the course of my and Pete’s future.
Over the next decade we would come to learn what he meant. How the feeling of love ebbs and flows, but the choice is what keeps a marriage in tact. How the romantic feeling is nice, but you need the discipline of the choice when faced with frustration, despair, and homesickness. With one of us always being away from family, home, culture and familiarity the choice became our anchor.
I loved Pete because I chose to and I chose to because I loved him. And walking in that truth I bumped smack into what Christ had been saying all along. Love is an action and a choice, often way before it is a feeling.
Love your enemy. Love your neighbor as yourself. Love one another as Christ loved us. Love protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres. Loves prays for those we may not like and who certainly don’t like us. Love chooses to go the extra mile.
Marriage is not for the feint of heart. Cross cultural marriage where one partner experiences the loss of identity in ways that run deeper than just a change of name, can be especially hard. There are a hundred every day ways that can chafe the feeling of love. Not being able to buy the toothpaste, make up, bread, clothes, or books in your own language that you are used to. Missing milestone moments or the chance for passing conversations after Sunday afternoon tea.
Knowing that your marriage is not dependent on your feelings is the only cement that will keep it together over the long haul.
And when a relationship is built on that kind of choice the feeling becomes a no brainer. It trickles down the spine from the head and spreads good old fashioned goose bumps wherever it goes. And we now see that as the reward of a choice hard won.
Thanks Dad.
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A postscript: I wouldn’t apply this kind of choice unless it was in the context of a loving marriage. Where abuse or other broken elements are present, very different choices would likely be necessary.
This little statement, “Cross cultural marriage where one partner experiences the loss of identity in ways that run deeper than just a change of name, can be especially hard. ” Just put some more pieces together for me on why it has been so hard living overseas with the one I love so much…. This is blessing me so much:)
I think the strongest marriages come when that choice costs the most! Staying with my hubs in thru his addiction was the HARDEST choice I have ever made. All I can say is that the CHOICE is sometimes more Holy-Spirit-nudge and less human doing at times…and the blessings are heavenly as well! *Blessings* on yours as you continue to grow up in Him.
Wonderful post!
Years ago a friend was unhappy in her marriage and asked the secret to mine. I told her that I woke up each morning and decided to fall in love with my husband all over again. And that some days he made it easier for me than others. ;-)
Wonderful wise words!
Lisa Jo,
LOVING these blogs…
Finding affirmation to what God has shown me about that lil thing called LOVE.
Given my past (divorces, adultery etc…) love always eluded me…and honey I pursued ‘love’ with a vengeance…you know that song Looking for love in all the wrong places –yep that was me…my life song…
As I shared before after my 2nd divorce from a man that committed adultery, I was broken, I felt I had nothing else to live for –thankfully I was pregnant! Praise GOD I was pregnant…that unborn baby boy was instrumental in saving my life and my soul –God got my attention…He saved me 2 wks before baby boy was born and He gave me a life scripture Romans 8:28 (coincidentally –if I believed in coincidences–my son was born on Aug (8), 28th! A forever reminder of my NEW life and how GOD was working it ALL together! When baby boy was just a few months old I met a great guy and we became fast friends. He was my pastor’s son. I was interested in him but knew for sure given my past there was no way…but we got closer and closer, hung out more and more and one day He said it –He told me he really liked me and wanted to explore something more than friendship –we would face many naysayers he warned but he wanted to give it a try…that was about a year after we met –10 months and about 2 yrs after we met we married…this wonderful generous, loving, caring, even tempered, and gentle giant has taught me what LOVE TRULY is…our first year was rough, really rough! But he loved me through it…instead of becoming cold and indifferent –or worse –leaving he stuck it out, remained true to his vows and we are now going on 8 yrs and he told me just last year that if our marriage keeps going the way it has been our last years together will be absolute bliss b/c it keeps getting better and better with each passing year! WOW!
I have seen my feelings ebb and flow…the ride is bumpy at times and at times it smooths out…sometimes we seem to be on the same page and other times in a completely different book all together…but you know we KNOW we CHOSE this path and we are BOTH committed to staying the course! WE have made up our minds…we are committed til death do us part!
BTW, I love what Alea said…so true!
Thanks for the posts…sorry for the comment turned into blog! :)
GOD IS GOOD!
Thankm you for these glimpses into your life and love! And amen to your father’s words.. love is indeed a choice we need to make daily, some days even moment by moment.
Your story has been beautifully shared, and I pray for endless new chapters to unfold in His blessings.
Thank you so much. And me too, I pray about those new chapters daily.
You don’t know me, but I just happened to stumble upon your blog doing some research for an internship of mine. I just have to tell you that I absolutely love this post, and it really helps me remember my feelings for my girlfriend.
Lol, I know–it sounds silly, but we just graduated from college and going from seeing her everyday day for hours to just sharing phone calls once a day sort of makes you forget everything you ever felt for the person.
It is great to be reminded that love is a choice–something I’ve struggled with as I continue to grow in my relationship and in Christ.
Excellent post. I truly enjoyed reading it.
You’re right – love is so much more than giving in to the turbulence of feelings. Often it’s about not giving in to the negative feelings – which is the essence of forgiveness, isn’t it? Love and forgiveness (offered and received) are close neighbors. Sometimes uncomfortably close for my taste. ;)
@Liberty – yes, absolutely. Could not agree more.
@Todge It doesn’t sound silly at all. It sounds familiar. That was us – my junior and his senior year. Missing the regularity of seeing each other whenever we wanted. It’s a hard transition. Don’t let your feelings fool you – the head quite often knows better than the heart.
@Kathy – thank you for your beautiful testimony that is chock-a-block full of encouragement. Just wonderful! What a story you have – and what a husband! ;)
Today has been one of those days when everything has hit me really hard, this post has brought me some clarity. Grief is overwhelming and I have struggled with my marriage my life in general. I realise I have a choice. Thank you x
I remember when Matt and I went through our premarital counseling, we came upon this advice many times, and thank God we did. Sometimes I wonder if I weren’t a Christian, would I still be married? Christ’s example of love and knowing ahead of time that all couples go through periods when the feelings just aren’t there for a season has helped me to choose to fight for my marriage every day. Thanks for your post. You’re always a blessing!
I love that you’re sharing your story of love & marriage. Shawn and I have been married 9 years and together 13. We have a wonderful/good marriage but choosing to love can be hard. But it’s the best decision I make.
Yes, every day we choose it and every day it pays off. Beautiful.
I know cross cultural marriages come with their challenges, but it also has many advantages – for example, when Ramos & I got married we knew there would be cultural differences but we were both ready to work at it. However when friends from one culture got married they really struggled as they found differences they hadn’t noticed before – our noticeable differences gave us a head start in working out what our new life would look like and learning to compromise.
Yes, indeed. We go into it with eyes wide open and ready to learn. Good point.
Amen. And the funny thing is that when you choose to love, the feelings that follow are overwhelming, sometimes. Different than the first-time infatuation feelings, but seriously overwhelming in the power of the romance and tenderness at times. Our culture doesn’t believe that emotion can stem from choice and commitment, but it most certainly does.
Exactly! Yes, powerful goosebumpy goodness.
Lisa Jo… thank you thank you thank you… I just found this now, and it’s so perfect I’m almost in tears. It’s just perfect :)
It’s been six months, and it’s been hard, and I’ve just found out it may be 4 more years, due to college, and I wonder will it always be this hard? But this just answers all this.
Thank you!!! :)