I like sleep.
I like spending hours reading books, alone, in perfect quiet, in a pool of sunlight on a late fall afternoon.
I like a clean and tidy house. I like to eat food while it is still hot. I like clean clothes. I like to brush and style my hair in more than 2 minute increments. I like to concoct bowls of ice-cream delights liberally topped with chocolate sauce, strawberries, and powdered sugar that I do not like to share.
I like to use the restroom alone.
More significantly, however, I like to help, listen, visit, sit up with, comfort, grocery shop, cater to, clean, share and generally be there for someone else when it is convenient to me.
I didn’t realize these things about myself until I had kids.
The most gentle and simultaneously ruthless way to discover who you truly are is to have children. A cataclysmic shift of focus away from yourself and onto someone else takes place. It hurts at first.
It hurts at 7 am when the big kids wake up after you just laid down from being up with the baby most of the night. It hurts when a gift you treasure gets broken because your boys are leaping from counter tops and accidentally kick it crashing and smashing to the ground. It hurts when you can’t remember when last you had an uninterrupted conversation with a grown up, an outfit that someone didn’t wipe sticky hands across, or a night’s sleep that didn’t end with someone else’s bad dreams.
I feel all stretched out, softened and squidgy around the edges of my temperament.
I am learning to live in peace amidst the chaos of a house torn a muck by raucous boys. Laundry is rarely put away, but rather retrieved straight from the dryer. My favorite books bear the marks (often in purple or bright green sharpie) of my boys. Sunlight is not for catnapping in, but rather for tearing through the backyard en route to slaying dragons and rounding up the herd. Sleep is a dance between a baby’s needs and a mother’s dreams. Any food, treat, ice cream or drink is considered fair game by kids and nothing caters to my own convenience.
Everything is an educational experience.
Yes, even using the restroom.
But I have never been closer to a glimpse into the Father’s love for me than when I am lying in the pre-dawn dark between a six year old who now only admits in his sleep how much he still likes to snuggle and a baby girl who breathes so close to me you’d think we were the same person.
So I ache and stretch and succumb to the growing pains for them.
“By God’s marvelous design, few life experiences humble us quite as effectively as parenting. …This tiny tyrant is providentially placed in our house with one grand program: to mold his or her parents into the image of our Lord. The way up spiritually, is by looking down physically.”
~Gary Thomas, Devotions for Sacred Parenting, pp. 46, 48.
And looking back, it’s a marvel to see how far I’ve come. And a wonder to think what still lies ahead.
Yes, it’s true – the growing pains can be hard, but the growth is worth it!
Hubby and I pondering kids lately…this post just confirms what i’ve been wondering. It sounds like another step beyond marriage- as far as losing yourself, but also finding out who you really are…. beautiful and difficult!
Yes, exactly. That is exactly what it’s like!
I’m a few parenting years ahead of you and I find old growing pains heal so new, different ones have room to stretch. You are a good, good Mama, LJ.
And I can hardly take the adorable factor of your boy with his glasses. Or Micah with the hamster. And don’t even get me started on your doe-eyed girl. xoxo
after reading this i sit. mouth open. amazed. i’m not the only one:) you put words to my feelings- exactly where i am right now. up twice last night (which i know fails in comparison to some), once at 12:30am with my sweet boy who had a bad dream. then agian, at 4:30am with my little girl who wakes every night to come to my bed. then up again at 5:30am to prepare for work. these moments are fleeting but they are teaching me so much. they are making me a better person. thank you for this!!!
xoxo
oh, how i remember the days, and you have put them into words so accurately and beautifully. and it makes me think that those of us a few years down the path need to write more of what’s to come. . . the new stretching, the new pains. to give perspective, hope, and an eye toward the blessings and joy yet to come. and maybe a reason to keep praying! :-) blessings to you this day in your endeavors with your precious little ones.
steph
Yes, and yes, wouldn’t that be a gift to those coming up behind you.
Thank you for writing these honest but lovely posts about motherhood! I just found out that I’m pregnant a few days ago, so I have been reading your words with new eyes : ) Being a mom will definitely be a sacrifice, but it will be so worth it!
Oh congratulations!! And it will be the most wonderful amazing happy-to-do-it-all-over-again sacrifice you ever make. Promise!
Lisa-Jo,
You have this way of truth telling that always, always, ALWAYS reminds me of Grace standing at my door, waiting for me to open and fully embrace, for myself. This Grace says it’s okay to say it’s hard. It’s okay to say that it isn’t always fun. It’s okay to say that I don’t want to do all that I probably *should* do as a momma.
It’s hard to admit all of this. But the admitting is the worship–it’s just as you said, growing pains.
And my, oh my, how I grow–even more than my boy, I think.
I so much appreciate you. More than you could ever know. And I hope to one day sit and chat with you…sans kiddos, of course! {wink}
Rich blessings in your courage to worship with honesty, my friend.
oh yes, sans kids and over chocolate milkshakes. :)
Hi,
I just love reading your posts and so enjoy you and your words and how you are raising those wonderful children. I am living vicariously through, because I was never able to have children and I love children. So I teach the little ones bible school at church on Sundays.
Amy in Springfield, MO
Oh you always do such a good job of putting it just right -and turning over the things I’d like to complain about to remind me that in these things are growth and refinement and new ways of knowing God. As always, thanks!
Lisa-Jo, I am impressed that hamster is still alive. Well done!
Such truth. Nothing has stretched, changed or refined me like motherhood.
Change and comfort rarely walk hand in hand, so when the crazy is happening all around me with my three kids, I’m encouraged to know that all of it is sharpening me.
I love your words, Lisa-Jo. Poetic, honest, encouraging. Thanks.
A moment of honesty if you will? What you wrote put words to my biggest fears. We’re expecting our first child and it isn’t the 3am feedings or colic that has me worried. Nope, it is my own selfishness that scares me the most. Thanks for writing so beautifully and honestly about the true stretching of motherhood- the soul stretching, the flesh and spirit battling in an all out tug of war. Prayers for you and for all of us mommies trying to lay our lives down for the sake of another- no small thing.
This beautiful and SO TRUE!!!
you said “I didn’t realize these things about myself until I had kids” I couldn’t agree more! Children have a way to get us to see our own sins, better, clearer, faster, easier… no wonder God calls them BLESSINGS :-)
it only gets more lovely as you build memory upon memory and watch God build His life strong and sure in the hearts of your little ones. My youngest used to stand on a chair to be as tall as me… now he looms above me at 6′ 8″. One is adopting three little ones in South Africa right now; my heart melts just thinking about their, “Gramma, I love yous…”. My other is a farrier, always under a horse or on one, with me galloping along at her side.
the Lord continue to bless you as you breath in their beauty! Children are a gift from God, indeed, indeed!
Oh yes! So true…and that is all I can write as my 9 month old grabs at the keyboard, and lunch begs to be made, and don’t even get me started on the state of the bathrooms. Thank you.
Beautiful!
Here’s just an honest question from someone with real fears about having kids one day.
I was raised an only child, to older parents. Like, 34 and 50 when I was born. My mom was heavily influenced by the frugality of my grandmother, and we *looked after* our stuff. My toys were always in pristine condition. I wouldn’t have said it was a stifling place, or super strict, but we respected _things_ because we knew we didn’t have a lot of money and had to look after what we had.
So when I read about boys jumping on the countertops, and I read about conversations being interrupted, (and, here’s the history here, I married the oldest of five who grew up so poor he never had anything of any value (it was all donated)), I don’t understand what you possibly gain from what seems to me like lack of discipline. Where is the respect? Is it just impossible to expect children not to have some healthy fear of their parents? I want boundaries so that my kids know not to interrupt a conversation. I want my kids to know that if they jump on the counters and break something they’re getting in trouble. Is that too much to ask?
That was a bit of a rant. Please don’t take it as a personal attack, just a question. My mother in law had the mindset of “I wanted to let my kids be kids so I never used the fine china” and now she’s finally taking it out for Thanksgiving and guess what? Her kids are all in their 20s now, and, true to form, broke a dish. She saved it for over 20 years – but they have no respect for her or her things because it’s just a dish, even if it’s important to her. That, to me, is a problem. Especially when it keeps people in cycles of poverty because they never learn to look after their things and assume they can just get another one.
There seems to be two extremes – either you’re so uptight your children aren’t allowed to sneeze without getting a beating, or you’re so lax that your house is a pig pen and your kids never learn how to clean, nevermind care for their possessions.
Am I crazy for wanting my kids to be gentle? For them to look after their things? Isn’t this just common sense?
Oh Christine – yes, I hear you. Good questions on many levels and the problem with blog posts because they can really only tell tiny portions of even a glimpse into our real lives, right?
So, my short answer is just yes, respect and discipline and kids that earnestly regret having broken something that breaks a bit of their mama’s heart – those are all essential and we work hard on them with our boys who all cried real tears too when they broke my jewelry box.
But then there’s also the part of them being boys and me needing to let go of my need for order enough to let them breathe and enjoy their need for play.
Like marriage, parenthood has a lot of give and take. And one of my favorite books on the topic, “Sacred Parenting” says it so much better than my attempt here, “Parenting is a process of regular disturbances for a high and noble end. … We are to train and instruct our children. Training is sometimes painful, occasionally noisy, usually bothersome, and always purposeful.” ~Devotions for Sacred Parenting, Gary Thomas.
And this one too, “By God’s marvelous design, few life experiences humble us quite as effectively as parenting. …This tiny tyrant is providentially placed in our house with one grand program: to mold his or her parents into the image of our Lord. The way up spiritually, is by looking down physically.” ~Gary Thomas, Devotions for Sacred Parenting, pp. 46, 48.
All that to say, I so hear you. And it’s a constant juggle any day in our house between pig pen and museum. But finding the in between is right there at the heart of parenting.
Warmest of wishes,
Lisa-Jo
Lisa-Jo –
An excellent, compassionate response to a perhaps-unintentionally critical comment.
Since Christine doesn’t have children yet…it’s easy to find compassion for her. Didn’t we all have such high ideals before that first little one wrecked our pie-in-the-sky, peeled away our pride-suit, and stretched our hearts to live-and-die-for-you capacity??
That delicate balance – between clearly enforced boundaries…and readily available grace – isn’t that what we all strive for as Mommies? Every day, every minute, it’s a fine-line; one that we occasionally walk with accuracy, but more-usually stagger around the general area of, in a drunken stupor of exhaustion, adoration, selfishness, and sacrifice.
Thanks for your gentle response – and your reminder of our challenge to constantly seek that loving balance, by the Word of Truth, and the Grace of Christ!
Well said. May I say, as an older mom, we trained our children to be gentle and respect people and their belongings, and to be responsible, say they’re sorry, and to replace something if they broke it (when old enough to do so, or we did so). We hold our possessions loosely, because they’re not ours, but God’s. He owns everything; even these children are His. So, when and if something does get broken, and it eventually will, the Lord has allowed it to happen to one of His possessions, and the child is more important than that “thing” and the recognizing of these truths has to color all my attitudes, heart and words. We cannot keep our lives “unbroken” even if we never have children–how will we respond?
Blessings,
Wendy
This is so true. I have found that God has and is teaching me so much through how I relate to and interact with my children.
Becoming a mother truly does stretch you out, even though it may take a bit for us to grow into the stretched-out areas. All those things you mentioned are moments to be embraced as soon as possible…even educational rest room times–ha ha! (we have many of those around here, many!) I find that begrudging these moments of growth only hinder my growth as a mother.
You’re such a gifted & blessed writer, Lisa-Jo. Thank you for this post :-)
It’s like you are reading my mind. Beautifully put. Thank you for explaining motherhood in this beautiful way.
Oh how very true this is…to see who I really am as parenting peels off the layers…not always pretty, often painful, and rarely convenient…but I’m so thankful.
Loved this one Lisa-Jo…
Absolutely beautiful and so, so true. Loved it, Lisa-Jo. A deep thanks from the north for you and your words.
I do not have your gift of writing and expressing thoughts and feelings but I can so identify with what you’ve just written!
What a beautiful description of the early years of parenting.
From a mom whose kids are grown . . . there is a day when they bring you a pillow for your nap, tell you you are adorable, stop after work to bring you a Starbucks, send you sweet letters in the mail, call just to say hi etc.
I love having adult kids. (loved having babies, too.)
Fondly,
Glenda
Amen! (From one mom of grown children to another:)
Thank you so much for this. My thoughts and feelings exactly. I never knew how selfish I was until I had children. There is the constant struggle, the constant balance to attempt to maintain…I praise God for His faithfulness, patience, and mercies that are new every morning.
Thanks again for sharing this!
Hi Lisa Jo, this is a really random comment from your post, which was great, but powdered sugar on chocolate syrup and ice cream??? Seriously intrigued by this, but I afraid to try it, because what if I like it too much? Try malted milk powder over butterscotch topping and vanilla ice cream. I used to have a genuine, old fashioned soda fountain, and that is known as a homestyle :)
Blessings! I love your blog and am always forwarding it to my daughters who are knee deep in children, lucky me!
I am a few years ahead of you in parenting but what you write about here seems just like yesterday. We learn so much about obedience to Him through raising our kids – at least I have – that I can honestly look back in the rear view mirror of those times of being over- tired, lonely, depleted and thank God how he grew me up right alongside of them. Sounds like you will have no regrets! Just the fact that you do all this writing in the midst of it is AMAZING!
Oh, dear Lisa-Jo, I still read. Regularly. But since I’ve had my own baby girl, Kensington, now 2 months, I’ve had less of a chance to comment. Your post is a fabulous illustration of how as mommas we are choosing to live our lives poured out as a drink offering to our Savior. There are many times during the day that the word ‘sacrifice’ streaks across my mind and I feel the tug, the aches of those growing pains. But then as I choose to slow down, to pour out myself if you will, there’s such delight in soaking up the little joys and remember that I do this all in love. And Love Himself is drawing me close to Him as I grow. I’m so thankful for that!
You won’t believe this, but I finally came across a comment you left on my blog a year ago on my about page (I’m finally updating it):
“So, as a Southern girl – what did you think of the movie, “Steel Magnolias”? I bawl my way through it every time I catch a rerun. Love your spin on the magnolia for your blog title. So good to meet you! ~Lisa-Jo”
LOVE “Steel Magnolias”. It’s the movie that made me start loving Julia Roberts. Gotta have a bunch of tissue around while I watch it. Haven’t seen it in years, but now I want to watch it. Thank you for sharing your life with us and hope to see you again sooner rather than later!
Yes. Being a mother has the deepest growing pains I’ll probably ever experience! Learning to live outside of our expectations — I think sometimes is a gift from God without us even realizing it.
You should stop by my blog. I’m giving away a free children’s book. (You just have to scroll down a little. ) :)
This post reminds me of one of the very few times I ever watched the Emmy Awards on TV, and an actor publicly thanked his children for rescuing him and his wife “from a life of terminal self-involvement.”
Exactly.
Dear Lisa-Jo,
Your post gives me encouragement that maybe, just maybe, I am becoming less selfish, less self-focused, because of my children. I, also, have two boys and one little girl, all a few years older than yours. And these last two weeks I have been surrendering to the challenge to join in the 31 Days series, with a focus on “forgetting myself”. Your words bring me up to His light, bringing me comfort and grace and hope. Thank you.
(What a cute hamster! I want to get one for my kids!) Some days I’m a great mom, and some days, I’m not so share-ful. I sneak to the basement and sit on the floor to eat ice cream or chocolate. And I hide my *Starbucks* ice cream way, way in the back so nobody finds it but me!
Yielding. My. Rights.
Becoming like Christ…
Loving being a mom, molding these little ones into men and women of God.
Blessings,
Wendy