So it happened.
You turned three.
And I watched you the night before in your doggy pajamas with your chest just softly moving up and down and your little snuffly snore. And all that life squished into that tiny bed and spilling out of my gut.
My mom died 22 years ago and I don’t know how she could bear the good-bye.
Zoe you hold my heart and the best view of myself as a daughter and a mother locked up in your eyes.
Knowing you is like learning what it’s like to have a mother again.
Because how I love you is how she must have loved me. And I’m free to cry all these happy tears every time you wrap your arms around me and yell, “Best fwends forever!” And I don’t know who taught you that stupid phrase, all I know is how it’s become the most powerful sentence this evening and it has legs and arms that wrap around my heart and make me whole in places I didn’t know were broken.
It’s a love story I never expected. Being your mama.
This lost and run down daughter didn’t think she was equipped to mother a girl.
But look – it’s us dancing around the kitchen and two-stepping past the couch and we’re so freakin’ good at it. This laughing and falling on the carpet after spinning in drunken circles.
We love hard and often it looks like a new pair of Hello Kitty pajamas or another episode of Dora or bath time and bubbles and you sitting so close to me on the sofa my arm gets a cramp. When I ask you to move up you always say, “but I wanna be by you mama.” And you do.
You be so close by me there’s not even a breath between us. There’s just all this space filled up with being filled up.
I’ve brought you a thousand midnight bottles and listened to you whisper a hundred secrets in my ear. I’ve watched your blonde lashes and warmed your cold feet and carried you back and forth to the car because of how much you hate wearing your shoes when you’re strapped into the car seat. I have no idea why. I just know that I will always carry you.
And I will always dance in the rain with you.
I will always laugh at your giggle and bring you one more cup of water.
I will sing your Zoe song off key and feel proud that you love to listen. That it’s still your favorite song even though Peter says I lifted the tune off “Santa Claus is coming to town.”
I will call you beautiful loudly and often – when you’re all dressed up and when you’re wearing your leggings inside out and backwards. I will cheer you as you build your towers of dreams and imagination and toilet paper.
I will wrap my fingers around your curls as you wrap your life around my DNA and I will wake up tomorrow changed yet again by being your mother. I believe that God makes all things new. I believe it because I live it every day with you.
All this sadness that used to spill out of my hands that now cup all this wonder.
You are the girl who’s been running around in my dreams.
These puffs of dreams that smell like so many wishes blown out on a birthday cake.
There’s a chapter in my book called And Then After 18 Years I Rediscovered My Mom – it’s my Zoe chapter. You can read it here.
Zoe’s LOVE necklace over here -half goes to our community project for moms in South Africa.
I haven’t followed your posts long enough to know why you felt you wouldn’t make a good mom to a girl but I am elated at the fact that the Lord said “Oh but Lisa Jo you can and you will and you will love in ways you never imagined!” Praise the Lord that He accepted your challenge of “I can’t” and turned it to an “I am”. From reading your posts and tweets over the last year I have come to know one thing about you and that is that you have a big, beautiful heart that can and will and already has moved mountains. Your devotion, dedication and unconditional love for people you have yet to meet brings genuine meaning to the words
“A people yet to be created will praise the Lord” Psalm 102:18
Happy Birthday to Zoe! It is a crazy love we have for our girls. My youngest daughter turns 3 on the 31st and it is such a fun age! She is always cracking me up, she is getting to be so independent, but she still needs and loves her mama too, and getting to watch her become a big sister just recently was all kinds of awesome too. That’s the awesome thing about 2-3 years olds…they do everything full out, full throttle, full of passion, and they don’t care who’s watching. That’s also what makes them challenging at time! My baby girl is so so fun though and just a delight in my life that I feel so lucky to have. Thanks for reminding me. <3
I needed to read this tonight. What a beautiful post and I can so relate – sometimes I ask myself what I am doing being my almost 3-year-old’s mum and then I remember that God gave me him as a gift. He doesn’t ask me to be perfect – just do the best I can and be humble. I can’t imagine life without my little cherub. And when I’m crying he longs to help me feel better. One time he asked me, “Do you want a warm washer Mummy?” and dabbed my eyes, then tonight, when I was playing “Moonlight Sonata” on piano in tears, he grabbed his toy ukelele and said, “Do you want some calming down music Mummy?”. What a precious gift our children are!
You take such great pictures, Lisa-Jo!
Happy birthday to your daughter.
I have the privilege of being mama to two beautiful daughters and one amazing son. They all still like hugs (my son not as much as my daughters!). When my 20-year-old girl comes home from college, she still likes her mama-hugs and I will always have my arms open for her. Oh, there have been many times with all three of them, that there is a distance between us, but I think the key to closeness is in me keeping a humble, open heart and listening to them. Enjoy the wonder and beauty of being mama to your three treasures!
My mom died about 12 years ago…I miss her so deeply, and it hurts not to be able to share my life – and my children of 9, 7, and 3 – with her. But you brought a new perspective to me…how could she bear to say goodbye? I think about what it was like for me, but I’ve never thought what it was like for her. How could I ever say goodbye to my precious daughter? So your words are encouraging.
“Knowing you is like learning what it’s like to have a mother again…
Because how I love you is how she must have loved me…it has legs and arms that wrap around my heart and make me whole in places I didn’t know were broken.”
Always love how the Lord uses you to heal and encourage my heart – and to point out things I didn’t see before. Thank you for being willing to share these moments in your life.
I’ve never put to words this fear of mine. But after reading this, it is clear that I also have worried about being a good mom to a girl. And here I am, about to have my third girl in what will be just over 3 years. My mom is present. And after 25 years, we have a semi-functioning relationship. But while we are ok now, there’s so much brokenness from my childhood. So much hurt that causes me to be unable to fully open myself and my family to her still today. So much confusion over the true picture of motherhood. She was a teen mom with 3 kids by 21, intermixed with abuse and awfulness. Of course her mothering was broken. She didn’t have the proper tools to do it well. And so here I am, fumbling every day, complaining about my lack of example. But I have the Lord. I have the perfect example of a parent in Him.
Thank you for writing such a tender post. Your words have helped me identify so much of the fear I have in motherhood.
God is restoring the years the locusts have eaten. I have the blessings on both ends. My mama and my daughter are my heart. Both have always and are always there for me. This spring Mama will be 82 and Mands will be be 30. I am the most blessed middle.
Lisa-Jo
this made me cry…for soooooo many reasons..for the fact that your mother is no longer here on this earth to enjoy her B-E-A-utiful granddaughter..to giving you a hug when needed….to the obviously joy YOUR daughter brings to your life…to that fact that I should shout THANK YOU God that my mother is still here for me..to my 3 wonderful teenagers…who are no longer little girls…to just the way you write is just awesome and wonderful, and i CANNOT wait for your book to get to me.
I love reading posts about your relationship with your daughter. I am currently pregnant with our first child, and we find out in a week and half if we’re having a boy or girl. While I am excited for that news, I am terrified that this baby is a girl. I had a wonderful mother of my own, but she became my best friend at the innocent age of 9 – when a girl needs a mother, not a BFF. We have always had incredible relationship because of this long-standing friendship, but the idea of having my own daughter is so scary. How will I manage a beautiful relationship with her but still be her mother first? Will she rebel like I did? How will I handle her teenage hormones and attitude? Will she grow up to be my best girlfriend or will she want nothing to do with me?
Then, I read God’s promises. I read blogs like yours. I talk to mothers of daughters. If this baby of ours is a girl, God has given her to me because He knows she’s exactly what I need. We will be okay. We will be more than okay.
This is beautiful! I’m so glad you have a daughter. The Zoe chapter in your book was my absolute favorite. So much joy and beauty and healing in that chapter.
This: “Knowing you is like learning what it’s like to have a mother again.” Yep. My three year old is teaching me the same thing after losing my mom almost 13 years ago. And I never thought I would be a good mother to a daughter. Still not convinced I will. But I’m loving the ride. And the way she wants to be on me and nearly in me if she could. And how much she loves to dance in the barn aisle with her mama. And told me today I was her bestest friend in the whole wide world. I didn’t teach my girl that, either. Maybe Someone whispered it in their ear or dreams…either way it’s the best being moms to girls even if we are motherless. Maybe it’s wen a little sweeter. Lovely post she will be sure to treasure one day. xoxo
that’s how I feel about my daughter too! It is the most wonderful blessing in the world :)
This is the best.
Incredible, Lisa-Jo. Your compositions and love never fail to amaze me.
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