So I don’t typically write about porn around here.
OK, I don’t write about porn ever. Period.
Much wiser women and men have addressed it and I’m not particularly keen on the idea of stepping into a big ol’ anthill of opinions.
But when you’re sweeping your floor, making your bed, picking up all the bits and pieces of the Lego set that somehow didn’t find a home in the final Star Wars concoction and the whole time you keep having the same conversation with yourself over and over again it’s likely that conversation is supposed to be a blog post.
I have been having this conversation with myself for over a week now.
And it’s begun to leak out of my fingers and into this blog post and so it appears we are now going to have this conversation together. If you want to pause at this point to offer up a short prayer for grace for all of us as we enter this difficult topic together that would be appreciated – because I’m so far out of my comfort zone it’s almost like I’ve become that person who meal plans a month in advance.
So here’s the thing – I’m a big Jennifer Lawrence fan. I love her awkwardness, I love her big mouth, I love her fearless approach to life and her wild encouragement of young women to be themselves. Just watch how she answers this reporter’s question about body image – I LOVE how he reads the question off his cell phone because HIS DAUGHTER SENT IT TO HIM TO ASK.
And I love her fast and furious answer and her serious recognition of the responsibility she has in a town where the size of your body will trump the size of your brain just about every time.
So please hear me when I say that this post is not a criticism of Jennifer Lawrence, but a question about what it means to raise our sons and daughters in today’s digital world.
Because you probably heard how Jennifer’s phone was hacked and personal photos stolen and sold online. I have not Googled them. I don’t think you should either. I’m a million miles removed from the life and phone of Jennifer Lawrence and still the news hit me like a gut punch. Because there were intimate images on her phone and as she says, no matter how much they pay you for your movies it’s not worth the phone call to your dad explaining to him that naked photos of you are about to surface.
The mom in me felt a protective fire burning up my insides and I agree with her that, “people should be ashamed for looking at the pictures.”
But then – then this came next – her explanation for the photos in the first place:
“I was in a loving, healthy, great relationship for four years. It was long distance, and either your boyfriend is going to look at porn or he’s going to look at you.” ~BuzzFeed
This is the sentence I cannot get out of my head.
Either your boyfriend is going to look at porn or he’s going to look at you.
Maybe if she’d left it at simply sending the photos. Maybe then I wouldn’t still be thinking about it. But what I can’t get out of my mind is the casual assumption that real, living, flawed and beautiful women need to compete with porn for their men’s attention – that is what haunts me.
When I’m dropping kids at school. When I’m helping with math homework, when I’m answering emails at work I just keep coming back to this sentence. It’s stuck in my mind. And in that really soft tissue right around my heart because I have a three and a half year old daughter and I don’t want this to be her future –
Either your boyfriend is going to look at porn or he’s going to look at you.
And I have two sons and I don’t want those to be their only choices –
Either you’re going to look at porn or you’re going to look at naked selfies of your girlfriend.
I want more for them than that.
I believe all their remarkably unique DNA from head to toes from eyelashes to dimples from crooked teeth to elbows is designed for something more exceptional than that.
Because if we believe that we’re not accidental tourists on this planet, that we were designed and informed for purpose, for calling, for Kingdom work by a God who named us good and knows us right down to the number of hairs on our heads then surely that same God has more in store for our children than the belief that–
“if they do not offer what porn offers, they cannot expect to hold a guy.” – The Porn Myth.
“Porn or you,” is NOT the message I want backing my daughter into a corner.
And it is certainly not the message I want my sons giving or receiving.
There is a tidal wave of pornopoly bearing down on our kids that makes it hard to breathe beneath the propaganda of what is “normal” these days. But just because something is becoming achingly common in our culture does not make it normal.
Beautiful sons and daughters, you were made for more than the common.
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own.” 1 Cor 6:19.
And we, your parents, we get to stand in the gap and face the storm and the waves, the laughter and the presumption and we get to tell a different story.
It is not the prude who calls for less nudity and more intimacy; it is the radical.
It is not the legalist who believes in boundaries, but the realist.
Athletes, writers, composers, poets, astronauts, engineers, coaches, and mothers can all tell you that excellence, life, health and success come from discipline, self-control and sacrifice.
It’s our boundaries that give us the greatest chance at satisfaction.
“”I have the right to do anything,” you say–but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”–but not everything is constructive.” 1 Cor 10:23.
We accept this as obvious in almost every other area of our lives. Gorging ourselves on food, alcohol, or inactivity is generally accepted as irresponsible with inevitably unfavorable outcomes.
But sex? The sex that porn sells has become an all-you-can-eat, open-24-hours-a-day drive through buffet that anyone who declines is mostly labeled, “judgmental.”
But we, the parents of the kids growing up in this age of fast-food sex, we can show them other choices; we get to tell them a different story.
Peter and I started dating the summer of 1996 in the hot, humid downtown of Washington, D.C. He kissed me under the trees at the edge of the Capitol fountain. I was all 4th of July fireworks and other clichés on my insides. And then we spent almost a year apart. That was back before reliable Internet and every day email accounts. We wrote letters. They took weeks to arrive because he was overseas for a semester.
It was slow.
The slow was the part that made it meaningful. Because he chose me and that meant waiting for me. The waiting was what made his love register so deep in a girl who had a hard time believing in people or their promises.
There is power in waiting for someone.
There is intimacy in denying yourself for someone else.
There is security in knowing the promise of you is enough to hold a good man.
Hold him by his heart and not his eyes.
Hold him by his word and not by his libido.
Yes, it’s upside down.
Yes, it doesn’t make sense.
Yes, it can mean going without.
Yes, it means denying what you want in favor of what you love.
But I want my sons to learn self control in this area of their lives as much as in any other.
And I want my daughter to believe that she is loved for her whole self and that she is never required to compete with the make believe of the Internet.
That is empowerment. That is love. That is the third choice that I want to teach my kids.
Day in and day out. One conversation at a time. This radical notion that we are more than the sum total of what we can offer to someone else.
We are what someone else has already offered up for us. The Greatest Gift from the Greatest Lover who gave up His life, His Kingdom, and His entitlement for us.
Jesus Christ, who made Himself nothing in order to make much of us.
Who waited for us beyond doubt, beyond despair, beyond rejection and heartache and our disowning Him to come and offer Himself as the peace that would make us whole again.
My precious sons and daughter – you are not your own, you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
And I promise – I promise you this – He will be faithful. And with Him you will not have to worry about being dishonored, deleted or discarded if He is your choice.
Additional resources by people much wiser than me on this issue:
3 Things You Don’t Know About Your Children and Sex by Anne Marie Miller
Go, go, go, Lisa-Jo! Glad it haunted you. Glad you wrote it down. Glad you posted it. Father is faithful. The devil is a liar. Women do not compete with porn. You go, girl!
Thanks Sarah! Need that :)
Brilliant – thank you for writing this!
Here here. Beautifully written.
Amen sister! This blog is looooooong overdue in our world! Thank you for being such an eloquent voice for all of us mommas
Oh. My. Word! This is brilliant! I am bookmarking this for every one of my children to read so don’t you dare delete it. (which means it needs to be up for a long time because I have four and my oldest is not yet 11).
All joking aside, thank you for this Lisa-Jo. Thank you for your obedience…your tact…your heart…your beautifully written words. You weave it all together magnificently!
Promise not to delete it :)
follow Fight the New Drug on Facebook. Porn kills love. True fact. It is devastating. I know this personally. I am praying for strength as I face it in my own life. Strength to deal with the reality and I know what I need to do. I will not be disrespected and mentally abused by someone else’s weakness.
In the same boat. Prayers for you.
SO much YES to this, my brave and beautiful friend..xo
Thanks Jacque – appreciate that!
So very thankful for this. Praying for the hearts who need to hear this gracious message.
YES!!! As part of the younger generation, I totally agree with this post. It is so easy to peg your value and sense of worth as a woman on what the world says about your body. But it’s only in Christ that you’ll discover your true value. And it’s true; you don’t have to compete with porn. You’re beautiful and precious and of high value just as you are. It’s time we stopped allowing the world to dictate how we should feel about our bodies and stand on God’s definition of our beauty; that we are all made in His image and likeness, and THAT is what makes us beautiful. Thanks Lisa-Jo!
You deserve a standing ovation. I wish I had read that when I was younger. I am that age where I grew up with the internet. It was in my home and was where I spent alot of time without alot of help. I love every single thing you wrote.
I feel bad for Jlaw now. Because who knows if that guy was truthful, considering how she felt.
yes. Thank you for this, Lisa-Jo. Am standing beside you friend, you are not alone in these thoughts and convictions.
Love you
Grateful for you Kris.
I’m so glad you went there because this is totally the type of thing that keeps me up. I really had no knowledge of porn until I was well into my college years and that was before cell phones and sexting became a big deal. I worry for my daughters. I worry about teaching them that this is not only dangerous – it’s not leading them on the path that is honest and loving and strong. I worry about the young men who are otherwise really great kids, but who get pulled into the world of “everyone is doing it, so it must be OK”. I need to stop worrying though, and turn this over to God in prayer. I still need to teach my girls, and I will, but the worry… that’s what I need to cast on God.
You and me both sister, we worry and we pray and we offer our kids a different way
I’m so glad that one sentence wouldn’t let you go Lisa Jo. THIS needed to be written. Cheering from here and saying YES! to this thoughtful plea for our children!
Thanks Caryn, I was skeeered to get into this conversation. But sometimes, a mama’s gotta do what a mama’s gotta do.
Absolutely!
Lisa Jo,
This is one of the most God-inspired pieces on porn that I’ve ever read. Thank you for your obedience to The Lord.
Because it’s not just our children – it’s us. My husband was addicted to porn for many years. And even though God has set him free and restored our marriage beyond what I could have ever dreamed or imagined, I carry scars of ‘not enough’ that The Lord and I deal with on a regular basis.
Blessings friend.
Grateful for this and for women who so bravely work through this very difficult journey.
The thing that makes me saddest about pornopoly is that people talk about porn and a loving, intimate, sexual relationship as if the two are comparable or somewhat remotely the same. Women and culture as a whole are seemingly unaware that the two are vastly different. The idea that a real, live, complex woman can (or should) compete with an objectualized fantasy is lunacy at its best.
Sex has become a way to personally satisfy as opposed to a shared intimate experience, even inside of a “great, loving four year relationship.” What Jennifer Lawrence and mainstream culture has bought into is that porn and intimacy can go hand in hand…. that someone can look at porn one day and the next have intimate sex with their partner. Unfortunately the opposite is true. Porn and intimacy are incongruous. Someone who is viewing porn is running from intimacy so fast they can’t have a healthy relationship. It’s more about their fears and insecurities than being able to “hold a good man.” Porn has nothing to do with the partner and everything to do with the person using it. The failure to understand this is at the heart of the issue.
How can our kids understand what true intimacy is if their relationships are based on competing sexually for attention? Sex shouldn’t be a commodity or competition. It should be the culmination of two complex individuals who have learned how to share all their negative and positive attributes and still love one another – – still are willing to be most vulnerable by peeling back their clothing and opening up their most intimate parts. To be loved in spite of, not because of. Sex isn’t fast food, slow food, or a buffet…. because it shouldn’t be a consumable good. It should be a loving act. Something we give to someone else, not take for ourselves. We are missing the boat and I fear we are settling for a beat-up, full of holes rowboat in lieu of a stunning yacht.
Thanks for this thoughtful response Leighann
And another thin about that haunting line… its not even true!
We can’t compete with porn, and being thought of as porn does not mean we win against it but only that we joined it!
Even Pornstars can’t compete with pornography, because even a Pornstar is a real person when the movie is over. Porn is not about real its about using and using up. It about “next” and “more” and cheapens every image it exploits, even the freely given ones from “committed” relationships.
Porn is not even about sex, its the exact opposite of sex. Sex is meant to bind two people into one flesh. Porn is meant to sever one person into two parts: the mind and the genitals.
Never be afraid to speak oft he elephant in the room. We all smell it anyway.
Thanks Brave Lady!
It is not the prude who calls for less nudity and more intimacy; it is the radical.
It is not the legalist who believes in boundaries, but the realist.
Yes! Thank you for this. The first year of my marriage I struggled with this mentality. Thankfully it’s not like that anymore but it still affects how I feel about my body sometimes.
Hi Lisa. Ive worked hard to shield my children, to temper this message with the truth – that there is a more excellent way. The message of the devalued female form is everywhere. From subway platforms to playgrounds the message for girls is use your sexuality…give it away. Its the only way you
‘ll get attention. And for the boys, sigh….don’t get me started. Like you,I want more for our children. This post got me heated, I think I’ve wanted to talk about it too. Thanks for praying your way through this.
Thanks Lisha – yea there is so much out there these days “getting me heated” too – so many messages we have to help our kids process as they find their way back to an identity in Christ. It can be daunting and it’s a relief to know there are other moms on the same journey.
Lisa-Jo. This is fabulous.
I just read another article about this from a site called Fight The New Drug. Don’t you love that name? That’s what it is–it’s a drug we’ve allowed and accepted and said THIS IS NORMAL. Thank you for this post!
// That post: http://fightthenewdrug.org/dear-jennifer-lawrence-whats-up-we-are-writing/
Thanks yes – just saw them last night. Good stuff.
This is a very good word. Thank you for stepping out and speaking up. It needs to be said.
Lisa Jo,
Thank you. As so many other commenters have already stated, it is such a sad reality that our kids must fight against in this culture. I am thankful that God inspires warrior mamas like you to fight on our children’s behalf for a better way. And I’m honored to stand shoulder to shoulder with you as we all attempt to fight this good fight.
I too am really glad you chose to write this. I am going to share this for sure. :)
Screaming from the amen corner… clapping loudly… wildly waving my pom poms and whistling my stadium whistle… ALMOST doing cart wheels. YES, Lisa. YES! Way to be courageous. Proud of you. Well said. Well done, friend.
Fighting with you,
Gwen
Making me grin over here – thank you thank you. I was skeered. But I was also compelled to write. Grateful for other mothers standing with me.
I recently saw a Facebook discussion about this issue, where a friend stated she would not date a man who looks at porn. I was proud of her, but some of the comments directed toward her almost sounded like she was in the wrong, that she would never “find a man” if she takes that stand.
Throughout this whole post, I was nodding my head in agreement with you. I am grateful that you chose to speak your heart on this one.
I hope they never find an email on their iPad finding out about their husbands addiction to porn. Married 38 years. I didn’t even know he was looking at it. Porn becomes a full time job for many users. No longer are their children spouse friends or work important in their life. Porn kills love. It is an intimacy disorder and can take five years of intense counseling to manage it. Even then high chance of slipping back into it. Parents keep your kids off computers. Take it from me
Ah, Mrs. Baker, thank you for this! We are two hearts beating as one. I am not very tied in to the blogosphere, so I am not sure if this is totally tacky, but I wanted to share 2 of my recent posts with you that I think touch on some of the same thoughts. High fives!
Christians and Sex: http://blog.heartofloveland.net/?p=445
An Open Letter to Sluts: http://blog.heartofloveland.net/?p=508
Tears
There is a whole underground society of wives and mothers who are talking about this. But we typically write anonymously, for obvious reasons. Glad to see some of this in mainstream blogs!
mytwoworldscolliding.blogspot.com
Thank you, Lisa-Jo, for this wonderful post. Thank you for not being afraid to dive into the waters God has placed before you. Please keep going there because porn is an old drug that has become a new epidemic. It destroys individuals, relationships, and community; it destroys souls, minds, and hearts. The world needs counter-cultural voices that sound the alert: porn is deadly.
Thank you! Beautifully written!
So good, so well-articulated, so very very important.
A-MEN!
I was getting ready to do some chores when I came upon your post, and now I can’t do anything else until I respond and share it. I read that same quote you referenced by J.L. You put to words so beautifully and significantly all that I wanted to shout from the rooftops. Thank you, thank you for being bold, humble and obedient in writing this. May the Lord use it in mighty ways. Thank you, thank you!
Thanks for that Meghan – it’s so interesting to me to hear how many of us that quote echoed with long after we’d heard it. It took me weeks to put into words what about that quote made me so uncomfortable. Now I’m grateful to discover it wasn’t just me.
Appreciate your the courage to write so graciously about a challenging topic like porn … crucial to share different love stories than those our future generations are absorbing from this fast-food sex culture. “There is security in knowing the promise of you is enough to hold a good man.” Love! Love! Love! and I’m living my life seeking first his kingdom and his righteousness, then all will be given to us as well as taught by Matthew 6:33. God Bless!
I think sex in general is a confusing and scary and an awkward road to travel. I recently saw “The Song” (I think its out on DVD in January) and it changed my life and how I viewed sex between a man a woman. (Amazing, amazing movie that every Christian should see) I also think about the Duggars and how they handle relationships and sex. There is something POWERFUL and BEAUTIFUL and EXCITING about experiencing sex with one person who loves you more than they love your body. I want my kids to know the love in the Song of Solomon, but I also want them to FIRST know modesty, what God’s definition of intimacy is, and why His perfect plan for one partner (in marriage) is the way to live life.
Yes, BUT if we stop there then who picks our children up if (God forbid!!) that spouse leaves, or dies. We need to be sending an even stronger message. Jesus is the only one who will never leave.
women are being measured against pornography and photoshop fantasy whether or not we ever send a sext. we can decline to send selfies, but there’s still no opting out of being subjected to the capitalist, patriarchal male gaze, and that’s a much bigger conversation (that i am not particularly eager to have with my own children who will
also have to navigate this difficult landscape).
i think it’s important, though, to acknowledge the huge differences [in age, legality, wisdom, and consent] between sexting teens; the theft and distribution of private, stolen pictures; and adults sharing digital intimacies consensually. j-law is a victim of hackers, and that’s horrible (and illegal), but i don’t think she’s necessarily a victim of porn for choosing to send sexy photos to her boyfriend. it’s a choice another might not make (and unwise, certainly, for teens or without trust), but if she’d sent these pics to her traveling husband, would this post read the same way? i guess i’m just not sure why we should hold celebrities and others who aren’t christians to the same sexual standards we might understand God to expect of us. healthy boundaries, even within the Body of Christ, inevitably look pretty different.
i’m with you, though, on wanting to live out something different. i want all our kids to be able to be kids, and i wish they weren’t subject to so much scrutiny and pressure. growing up was never easy, and the internet doesn’t seem to be doing them many favors.
Suzannah, respectfully, the issue isn’t that she sent sexy photos to her boyfriend. “…either your boyfriend is going to look at porn or he’s going to look at you” – the issue is that it sounds like she was sending her boyfriend photos to keep him from looking at porn or to compete with his porn use. This isn’t holding a non Christian to God’s standard – it’s plain demeaning that any woman in the 21st Century would feel like they have to send sexy photos to a partner to compete with his porn use. And I would think that if she was sending her husband sexy photos because “either he was going to look at porn or he’s going to look at you” it would be even sadder.
Thanks for writing this, Lisa Jo. Outstanding blog post.
I love this. I love everything about it, from sweeping Legos to the tender space around your heart. Your writing is so relatable. You get women! I had the same long-distance late 1990s romance. I was in the US at college and he went abroad for a year. We wrote the letters. We visited every 3 months. We met at church. We got married in the church. We had that slow, real version of love. I thought.
Then 5 years later he left me for another woman.
So, the only thing I would add is that there are just no guarantees, even when you think you’ve made the right, real choice with the right, real person. Our only guarantee is Jesus. More than anything I want our daughters and sons to know his love, his devotion to us, his choice to choose us and never leave us.
I completely agree with you. That line really bothered me as well. Those are definitely not the only options and it’s so sad that some people see it that way.
I did feel very badly for her though and thought she responded to the situation in a classy way, even though I don’t agree with what she did.
I’m so glad you wrote this. I heard those comments and they sat wrong with me. Then there was an article in the Atlantic about the prevalence of teen sexting and it just hurt my heart. I love how you put it–holding him by his heart and not his eyes. What I saw in that article was girls believing and being pressured into believing that they had to hold their guys by their eyes–and guys believing that those cell phone images of naked bodies were nothing more than baseball cards to be traded and boasted over. As if seeing a girl’s body made him more of a man than seeing and protecting her heart. I want more for my babies than that. I’m with you–let’s tell them a different story.
Thank you for this. Thank you for having the courage to type out the overflow of your heart.
By taking courage Lisa-Jo, you have instilled courage, true encouragement of my heart.
More Grace, Lord, to walk a beautiful disciplined life with You, Lord Jesus.
You just keep on writing what God has put on your heart, girl, because clearly it has touched something within a bunch of us other Mamas. Thank you for being so brave. I have three daughters, two of whom are 13 and 10. The oldest is grown and I learned a lot in raising her, but technology was not what it is nowadays and my younger girls have a whole new world to navigate that their big sister did not. Teaching them that they are MORE than their bodies is so, so necessary, and it goes against everything the world is telling them.
I’m standing in the gap with you.
Yes to this Lisa-Jo. All of it beautifully put. This line stuck out to me though:
“This radical notion that we are more than the sum total of what we can offer to someone else.”
That our children will be free from cheaper versions of sex, and from cheaper versions of “life,” that they may see and pursue Life Abundantly.
Much love to you and your bravery this afternoon.
Such a much needed article! Thank you for your bravery and making a difference in perspective for us and our culture!
I enjoyed reading your article. As a mother of 2 boys this has been a concern to me as well. Here is the webpage for a site that has a lot of helpful information for families. I’ve bought the book ‘Good Pictures, Bad Pictures: How to pornproof your kids’ and have been very impressed with it.
http://pornproofkids.com/
Thank you for this. It is beautifully written.
SO well written! Thank you SO much for this! It IS possible to live without pornography.
This was very timely for me. I’ve just started a series preparing young women for the marriage relationship and helping to eliminate sexual problems between a husband and wife. I’ll be quoting and referencing you when I get to my post on pornography for sure! It’s definitely a post that I am praying about. Thank you for being so brave.
This is my introductory post, by the way: http://happyhealthyholyhome.com/2014/11/13/about-the-blushing-bride-series-what-you-want-to-talk-about-video/ :)
YES!!! Amazing post!
Oh my stars, YES. Big brave step, L-J – and a much needed one. Thank you, thank you.
Lisa-Jo, I am SO grateful for your obedience to write this. Even just last night, my husband and I were lamenting how alone we feel in a Christian community of missionaries in regards to what we encourage and promote among our teenagers as “life experience.” We now have 9th graders participating in these events / activities / relationships and we often feel like we’re pushing back against the ocean. Jennifer’s same comment bothered me and I love the words the Holy Spirit inspired in you for the cause of His young people. Let’s keep championing holiness… being set apart. It breaks my heart how much “we” have compromised…
I so wish I could agree with you on this. I have husband who I met at church. We didn’t rush into marriage. When we did get married it was with the idea that this was a forever, no going back, once in a life time agreement. What I didn’t know was that even before we were married he was deep into porn, very deep. He thought once we got married he would have no need for it any more….he was wrong. In fact, I was not enough. He needed me to do things I wasn’t comfortable doing. So he got those things from other women. Still I didn’t know. When I got pregnant and put on bedrest in the hospital, he would come see me, and then leave to meet up with other woman. I didn’t learn about any of this until our firstborn was 18 mos old. It was then that I learned about the porn and the prostitutes. I thought the only was to keeep my marriage together was to be like the girls he was used to. So I became something sexually that I was uncomfortable with and I hated. But he liked it. But it spiraled me into a depression and a hatred for him. I went looking for “love” elsewhere……and I found it. We are still together but it has been a marriage of betrayal and forgiveness over and over. He swears he done with his porn addiction, I have a fling trying to find someone who loves me for me (ha ha) it all blows up, we forgive each other, its fine for a while, I become what he needs me to be and the cycle starts again. Too many years and too many marriage counselors later and I don’t know if this will ever change. I wish I could believe your hopeful outlook, but your story is one of a fairytale as far as I see. And some are meant for one, and others walk a different path. I have come to enjoy to the decent times and brace for the bad. I hope you are right about our kids because I do want them to have better. but mine is what it is. And I read your story and it sounds so nice but so unatainable, so unrealistic.
Thank you for coming out of your comfort zone and sharing this. I am like you and a lawerence fan, and felt that she was violated that someone stole her picture. But her comment bothered me some how, but couldn’t put my finger on it. You nailed it! As a mom of 3 little boys and 2 baby girls, I hate that things like this are common today, but right again it’s not normal. As they get older (yet I wish it wasn’t so common that they do get exposed at younger ages) I want to be able to teach my children these things may be common but it’s not normal, it’s not what The Lord wants for or from us.
Amazing post! The sad truth is, and she doesn’t get it, since he was looking at her that way, he was looking at porn too. It’s not an either or situation; it’s an “I look at my girlfriend AND I look here, there and everywhere.” There is no such thing as “Monogamous Porn.”
Yes, yes, yes … to every word. Thank you for listening to yourself when you kept having that conversation over and over. And then for speaking the truth in such a grace-filled way.
I just stumbled across your blog, starting with this post. Wow! Thank you for your well written thoughts on this subject. With a six year old and a 3 month old daughter, I appreciate the wisdom!
I am so grateful you wrote this. I haven’t talked with anybody about this topic before, but I’ve thought about it a great deal, as you have, Lisa Jo. Some of the greatest troubles I faced in my last relationship pertain directly to this post, and while I knew I wasn’t the only one out there who’s dealt with this problem, it sure felt like it- until I read this. I was dating a (seemingly) great guy for a few months this past summer, and when I stumbled upon his digital porn stash, everything changed (and came to an end, not long after). I’d encountered such things in other relationships and had more or less accepted that “all men love porn”, but never in such sickeningly large measure. Never had there been such a carelessly accessible stash. Never had I seen so much of it associated with someone I cared so deeply for. My heart sank because it explained a lot. He spent his libido on these actresses and relied on me for emotional support/daytime company. There were even videos of his ex on there, which was the real issue, but objectively, it was still porn. There were so many red flags that I disregarded until I found what I found. He thought I was too tall, chest too small, eyebrows too thick, lips too thin, skin too fair… not outright criticisms, but observations he shared now and again. Observations that bothered me, but I wrote them off. I figured out I was being compared to the ladies on camera, and the tragic part is that, in his eyes, they were blue-ribbon and I was second choice. There were certain “elements” lacking in our relationship, and I constantly blamed myself, shaming myself for not having a larger chest or a smaller frame. But as it happens, he was never interested in a real woman to begin with- he couldn’t draw a line between what he desired in his “fantasy” world and what he desired from me, so by default, I “wasn’t enough” for him. I felt like a victim at first, but now I know that I can take a stand against this, and I won’t allow it ever again. It’s not that I’m anti-porn (I believe that the combined concepts of “having a tight grasp on reality” and “everything in moderation” can make for permissible circumstances), but it has been a hard-learned lesson that an actual porn addiction will never, ever equate to a healthy/fulfilling relationship. If I ever become involved with another man who would rather spend his time with porn stars than me, he is welcome to do so, but there is no way I’ll be sticking around in that relationship. I am enough- I need no editing or fluffers or bleach-blonde hair (unless I wanted to bleach my hair, of course- but I’m not going to change my appearance for others. It always has to be for me.) If I should ever have the good fortune to meet the love of my life and build something great with him, he will have to know and accept that, and I am contented knowing I have learned so much from this post/the past and can move forward with confidence and more self-respect than ever.
A tough topic but you handled it beautifully. I am so thankful to God that my husband is a faithful lover of … me… and that I have not had to suffer the heartache that other women do. My concern now is raising my boys to be as faithful as their father is. I don’t know how to protect them from the online screens that sit in the hands and the pockets of their friends. And how easy it is to stumble across something inappropriate. And then how easy it might be to revisit something inappropriate because it has awakened something that stirs inside. And how to teach them that to wait is worth it? How do I teach that in a world that preaches the opposite? I have no wisdom here.
Oh, yes. Let’s keep our kids safe. Let’s teach them they are worth more. Let’s teach them what God created their bodies to be and let’s teach them what marriage is really about so that they are saved from the dark snares of porn. I have two girls and we have started the education early.
Can I speak for a moment to the wives whose husbands are addicted? Because I’ve been there.
Here’s the thing about porn: It’s less about sex than it is about engaging in a fantasy world.
I had to learn that porn wasn’t about me – what I could give or couldn’t give. Craig had been addicted long before we even met and he developed this habit of running away to fantasy when real life got hard. He didn’t know it was okay to fail. He didn’t know that he could hold someone’s attention just by being himself. He didn’t know he wasn’t overlooked by the One who sees all. Porn became a quick fix that allowed him to feel like a man without actually having to be one and God’s voice got tuned out.
After I found out he had brought it into our marriage, I became afraid of it. I was afraid it was going to ruin my husband and ruin our marriage. And so I did what I did best: I tried to control. I tried to parent. I used my anger as a shield of self-protection. I got jealous of the porn stars. I tried to make myself into something I was not. And I did believe that if he just had enough self-control, he could overcome this addiction.
But with any addiction, it’s not about self-control. It’s about the power of Jesus. Yes, I agree that if we show self-control before we get into this dangerous world of porn, we save ourselves a world of hurt. But what if we fall? What if our husbands made a mistake when they were little kids? What if they saw porn and it became an immediate hole-filler? An awful hole-filler, but still? For Craig, it got way past the point of self-control. It was a powerful addiction, one he could no longer control, after decades of use.
He didn’t need self-control. He didn’t need my control. What he needed was Jesus. And I needed to wait until he realized just how much He needed Jesus. I couldn’t force it. I couldn’t yell it in to him. I couldn’t shame him enough…he had already done that to himself. Thankfully, Jesus brought me to a place where I could only pray and encourage and love.
We wrote a book about our journey. It’s called Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography and it was released last month. If you’re interested in continuing the conversation about porn (because we really all need to keep talking about it), I’d love to connect with you.