My back is not happy with me today. It’s all, “Hey, you, yeah, I’m talking to YOU, lady who doesn’t exercise enough. I am NOT happy with you.”
And I was all like, “What the heck? I totally stretched while bending down to put on my shoes this morning!” And I thought that was the end of it.
It was not.
Apparently, my entire body took this as an opportunity to gang up on me and stage an intervention:
Back: Listen crazy lady, you have got to stop hauling that kid around so much. Me and the hips don’t dig it.
Me: What? Are you talking about my precious baby? My Micah?
Hips: Baby? Snort! That kid is gonna be 2 in three months time and he already weighs in just 5 pounds lighter than his four-year-old brother. Give us a break already! How much more lopsided do you want us to get?
Neck and shoulders (getting in on the act): Heck yea, he’s giving us a massive pain in the neck with a side of shoulder spasm now and again.
Me: Dang, that’s not fair, guys! The kid loves to play baby monkey and ride wrapped around my neck and waist, what’s a mama to do about it, eh?
Right hip: Well, try carrying him on the left side for a change! I gotta get a break, I’m beat from hauling that baby hippo around.
Left hip: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! Don’t even think about it. I’m not ready for that kind of weight training – a girl’s gotta build up to that in stages.
Right Shoulder: Listen, I am totally on board with the right hip – you have GOT to cut us some slack. How many more knots do you want us to get tangled up in, eh?
Neck: Yea, and while we are on the subject of knots, can you please stop sleeping on me at that crazy angle – I need a WHOLE pillow to myself if you want me to be fully functional in the morning.
Back: Oooh, good one. Tell her, tell her! We. don’t. like. to. pretzel!
Me: Come on guys – I was sleeping all crazy like that because Micah wouldn’t move over and share the pillow with me. And who doesn’t like a little morning snuggle with a toddler?
Body parts in unison: WE DON’T!
Me: But Micah is so precious when he gets into bed for his early morning bottle and then falls asleep plastered to my side.
Neck: Puh-leeze. Keep your lame excuses to yourself. You want to do the pretzel with a two year old – then you got to be ready to pay. Big time.
Me: Are you threatening me?
Back: Lady, we’re doing more than threaten. How has standing, sitting or bending over been going for you today?
Back: That’s what I thought!
Arms (nervously coming to my defense): We would like to point out, however, for equity’s sake that we are getting quite a nice work out. I mean, the biceps are quite pleased about their current state of firmness due to hauling the aforementioned toddler around on a daily basis.
Back: Shut it, arms. Quit with the legalese. You aren’t the ones who have to operate at odd angles to keep up with the toddler’s constant need to move from one climibing surface to another. And don’t even get me started about when she swings the four-year old in circles like an airplane or offers them both “horsey rides.”
Middle toe on right foot: I got crushed this week when she tripped over some toys and crashed into the wall. I hurt. She doesn’t care.
Me: Listen guys, I do care. It’s just that I care more about my boys.
Body parts in unison: Shocked. Gasp. Then: You are fired!
Me: You can’t fire me, body. I am the boss of you.
Body: Wanna bet?
Me: Nervous chuckle.
Eyes: evil glare.
Body parts in unison: ominous silence.
Me: Um, yea. So, how about a nice brisk jog after work?