We dip and dive between hot, sticky air and cool, blue water surfacing only for pizza and friendship. Kids in matching swimsuits and chlorine stained eyes grin like guppies and their parents lean into the water and let it wash the week from off tired shoulders.
The sun is shining just so and teenagers play volleyball and my boys are insistent that they know how to play Ping-Pong even when their noses barely scrape the top of the table. Long weeks have come and gone and we have found our vacation in stolen evenings down by the community pool. PJs packed in the pool bag and waiting for the night to come and bring them tired, happy kids ready to slip home and straight to bed.
I cup it in my hands and feel the light, light fragility of it all, wrapped as it is in such a delicate packaging of skin and bone. I can still smell the sunscreen that lingers in their towels and hear them down the hall not sleeping even though they assure us with giggles that they are. Some nights I don’t know if my heart can take it. All this beauty. It registers as a dull ache just below my rib cage. And I am terrified of losing them. Or of them losing me.
I don’t know how He trusted me with these children.
I don’t know if I could ever survive saying good-bye to them.
I don’t know how the days go by so slowly but the years rush by so fast.
I don’t know how to be brave when the news tells me I could lose them in an instant.
I don’t know how a beetle is both their friend and foe.
I don’t know how they remember every lullaby I ever made up.
I don’t know how to box it all up in my heart so that I don’t forget a single detail.
I don’t know how my mom did it. I don’t know how she breathed the words good-bye. It seems that must have been its own kind of dying, apart from the cancer.
So I clutch these nights, this family, and these moments tight, tight in my desperate heart and sometimes it feels like all I know is what I don’t know. And what I don’t know could fill a universe. Lost at sea in the darkness I follow the Southern Cross back to the only thing I know.
Jesus loves me.
This I know.
This I know.
This I know.
And if He says “to be absent from this body, is to be present with the Lord,” I believe Him. And I release my tight grip on what I don’t know and take His hand instead.
Because from what I know of Him, that must be very good.
We have an awesome God!
Perfect.
The hardest part for me is trusting the peace in which I now live. Trusting all My my future “don’t knows” to that One who loves me so…*blessings*
Your poetic spirit poured out here inspires me. What an honor to mother.
What you type is so true.
Said by the mother of 3; youngest is 18 and left for college in January 2010.
The years will fly.
Store memories.
You can take them out and re-live them.
I can’t imagine letting them “go”
if I wasn’t with God and He with me.
There must be something about the pool and children that tugs at the heartstrings of moms b/c my post this morning expresses similar sentiments….
I love how you write and express so eloquently what many of us are feeling, the fear that comes along with parenting until we learn to truly trust in Him. I love your post!
Hi Lisa Jo,
I do not know how or what it is, but every time I need guidance on some matter of the heart and feel desperate, I turn into your blog and lo and behold, you have written something that rings home so true, that is so incredibly pure and straight through and from the heart that it strengthens me too. You talk of God, I have a different name for Him and it doesn’t matter. What matters is that big thing, love. Life is fragile and yes, we do need to honour and cherish all we have every day. Letting go is so hard, grabbing and holding on so “easy” and yet the letting go is what we need to do in order to receive and enjoy fully all life brings us. I have finally found a man worthy of my love and sometimes my heart breaks too. He has two kids…..I will meet them coming Sunday.
You are a wonderful woman, so very conscious and true, stay that way Lisa Jo, don’t ever change. My love to you and Peter, I guess he will remember me. And my love to your two lovely boys, even though they do not know me.
Selina
ahhhh cherish those sweet moments friend… eek every single ounce of living from them… just as I know you will. You AMAZE me and INSPIRE me. You are such a wonderful mom :)
WOW! Just this morning I got my baby up and ready for school. {She started Kindergarten this past Wed.} I kept waving good-bye until the bus went out of sight. Then I came home and prayed. And I cried and prayed more. She isn’t just mine anymore and I can’t just go to the school and watch over her. I had place her once again in God’s hands. HE can be with her! I KNOW that He is not only watching over her, but He is HERE giving me comfort of letting go!
Thanks for the beautiful post!
I know this grasping, and this turning around to find they’re growing up, up … away.
Achingly beautiful …
Oh, my friend – your words are what my heart felt all weekend. My almost 7yr old daughter was hit in the chest by a foul ball at a womens professional softball game on Friday night and all I have been able to think is that she could be with the Lord right now! I think that in the selfish way- I don’t want her to ever leave me and I couldn’t possibly survive without her and the unselfish way – I praise my Lord that she was saved at a young age and when it is her time, she will be “present with the Lord.”
We saw the Lord work in so many ways throughout this weekend and His hand was on her and our family – we know it for sure! I praise Him for healing her bruised heart.
After a weekend filled with things I didn’t know or understand – I’m so thankful for a God that knows all.
Thank you for the beautiful & inspiring thoughts. I believe this is what is meant in scripture when we are told to encourage one another. I believe that all these precious things that we give over to Jesus are kept by Him for us in heaven. And when we arrive He will give them all back to us wrapped up in His beauty. This will be our first REAL Christmas gift received by us from Him as we celebrate in eternity the REAL Christ Mass.
Duh. I’ve never thought to bring their PJ’s to the pool–we still have a few more weeks before it closes! I wish I would have written down some of the lyrics to my made up lullaby’s.
Deep breath. Wish I had words to go with the tears falling on my cheeks. Beautiful post.
I know you know. And it’s a hard and costly knowledge, isn’t it my precious friend? Sending ((tight tight hugs)) your way!
Sending one back for you.
So intensely real an image you shared… Like Michelle I had a scare with my 2-yr-old this weekend when our labrador accidentally pushed her into the corner of a wall. She was hysterical. I was heartbroken. It is the hardest part of motherhood to hold close and let go at the same time. We know what’s out there, but we have to model faith and hope as well. Know you’re not alone in this journey!
Oh, Lisa-Jo….
tears. salty tears on my face.
This is my favorite Sara song. Which is probably not true because about 4 others are very dearly loved as well. It is true this is my favorite to sit and play myself.
I don’t know to parent.
I know my parents. I know the greatest thing they gave me, Jesus; and then letting me go. I imagine its a slow death seeing me live so far away. Not sharing life the same anymore…
the boys are lucky, blessed in you. He’s doing some sort of crazy lovely work in you. This mothering stretching and pulling and working and I see the Southern Cross tonight and say a prayer for Him to give grace today and rest in what you know….
Boo, your comments are always a little bit salty mixed in with the sweet. They make my eyes and my heart ache in that special Southern Cross way. Yes, the good-byes of parents to kids who live an ocean apart – yes, I know that slow death too. Wishing you a blessed reunion with yours!
This is so touching Lisa-Jo. It has been a life-long journey for me, one I find I have to keep relearning – this letting go with trust and taking His hand. Sometimes the fear worms its way into my heart and I have to go through the process again. Even when the little boys have little ones of their own – it seems these mother hearts never change.
When I lost my daughter I never imagined I would survive, my heart was broken my soul shattered. I hadnt a clue how to go on, parents are not supposed to outlive their children. I did survive (just) due to Jesus, no matter how many times i fall he lifts me up. No how many tears falls he catchs them.
As you said, Jesus loves me, this i know. i know it well xx
Great article but it didn’t have eevrhyting-I didn’t find the kitchen sink!
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