I was six months pregnant with my first baby the first time I remember mother’s day really mattering. From the mother’s perspective.
It was Autumn in South Africa and I knew that Sunday and church would come with flowers and celebrating the moms. I was excited. I wore my burgeoning belly with pride. And when I grinned at the girl at the door, put hand out for flowery tribute to the life I was sustaining inside me, she pulled the blossom back and snorting said, “Nu-uh, you’re not a mother yet.”
Three children later and I still can’t quite get the taste of that comment out of my mouth.
Motherhood is a deep wide ocean and from the moment that two cells collide and divide we wade right out into it. The current catches us and there is no looking back. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time. Not with words that could explain it to the girl who had burst my bubble. But hand on belly I could still feel the morse code from my son tapping out a love song reminder that mother, indeed, I was.
I don’t know what kind of mother you are. If you bear children on the inside, juggle toddlers, or love on teens that ache and break your heart and themselves into tiny bits of regret. I don’t know if you mother a classroom of wriggly second graders or mentor one-on-one. I don’t know if you mother through words that find their way onto someone else’s screen and encourage and comfort and teach the other mothers that you know you may never get to be.
I don’t know if you mother through meals made for good friends or babysitting for run-down, first-time mamas. I don’t know if you mother through prayers offered for colleagues or letters sent to long lost family. I don’t know if you mother through folding someone else’s laundry or helping fix someone else’s car.
I don’t know if you mother through letting go the life of the child that made you a mother in the first place.
But this I do know. Motherhood grows from the inside out. Motherhood means we stretch with new life, whether or not we deliver a baby. We sustain. We ache. We carry. We care. We hold. We cherish. And we release.
Then we wear the marks of that gift for a lifetime. And it is beautiful.
Just like you.
{Photos of my Zoe Grace, 2 months old today}
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Wow! Loved this post! I am not a mother to my own children…(still waiting for Mr.Right to come first)…but I feel like I am a mother to my 16 energetic four and five year old students. Some of my students come from broken homes….one of my student’s mother passed away several years ago. I feel sometime I have to be “mom” when they fall, cry, or just need a hug (sometimes my students will call me mom). I am also thankful for a mother who took the time to pray for me and discipline me when I was misbehaving. I am grateful for the love my mom had for me—although at times mom and I had our moments.
I always enjoy reading your blog–its always such an encouragement.
Oh LJ, these are the words I couldn’t find on Mother’s Day. As Holly wrote on (in)courage, so so many “mothers of the heart”. Thank you for recognizing the mothers that may never have actually birthed children. What a calling. What a blessing and opportunity. Love your thoughts. And you! :)
Absolutely! Motherhood is a gift that so many pour out – and we appreciate you all. We just don’t always do a good enough job saying so!
Just really stinkin’ great. I needed a nice big dose of ‘gityer motherhood on, sister!’
Feeling so, so stretched by motherhood lately…the little one in arms, the older ones needing my heart…and the constant, straining, pull of wanting-to-get-it-right.
So tonight, I rest. And tomorrow? Tomorrow I shall arise with renewed motherhood energy…
Thanks for the sweet encouragement, Lisa-Jo!
What a beauty Zoe Grace is, Lisa -Jo! First photos we’ve seen with her eyes open – that deep newborn blue already sparkling with the joy of life!
About that put-down you received 7 years ago: can only think the girl in question was not yet a mom herself, and too young to understand the truth of the “mothering” all women do. I like that about our church: on Mother’s day every woman in the church receives a gift for that very reason …
Love you.
Your heart must have known that I needed to hear this message today. I have ached for months following an unexpected ‘missed miscarriage’ at 12 weeks gestation. Had my baby lived it would have been born about the same time as your beautiful pink bundle. I have continued to read your blog these past eight months with heart on edge. Happy for you, yet hurting inside. Continuing fertility issues mean that God is not yet sending us little ones. I am making the most of loving on friend’s children, my niece and nephews and caring for so many people around me in lots of ways. Thank you for the loving and tender way that you worded your post today. It was like a big hug for my heart. Bless you heaps and please give extra cuddles to Zoe for me. xo
Oh Stephanie – that is so, so hard. I wish I could reach through this screen and hug on you a bit. But I mean it, you *are* a mother already. Your body has grown life and you are changed forever because of it. And you continue to live out that motherhood in all the kids whose lives you invest in. You’re right. I know it doesn’t take the ache away or lessen the loss, but I hope it encourages you in some small way.
I follow your blog in Google Reader, and just now when it was loading and your daughter’s face came up, my two kids and I gave a collective, “Aw!! So cute!” I always enjoy your posts!
Aw thanks Gina – we’re pretty smitten with her ourselves :)
Smiling here through my own new motherhood tears (my own little one is only 5 weeks today) Five babies on, still growing, still stretching :-)
Your little girl is beautiful! What pretty eyes.
This was so beautiful, and so true. I agree … mothering comes in many different forms, and all are so essential. And I love it that our church gives a little gift to every woman on Mother’s Day in celebration of this. So sorry for your experience that you shared … and thank you for blessing us with these thoughts today.
I just had to tell you that I lingered over this post today because, not only are the words so meaningful, but also because the pictures of your sweet baby absolutely took my breath away. I just had to sit and stare for a while. She’s precious!
I spend a lot of time doing the same thing myself, Shelly :) These were photos I snapped with my phone in the doctor’s office of all places! Babies sure know how to take a great photo no matter where!
Motherhood is definitely a posture of our hearts. Even some who have borne young are not mothers. We choose to embrace the role and allow Him to pour us out completely, over and over again, like the drink offering on the altar: all used up. Nothing held back. Nothing “saved for later” as in the other offerings. “Mother”-all noun and all verb.
She is so very beautiful!!!
Love your site!! If you get a second check out http://www.epipcparent.tv this week. todays post is 5 things every young lady needs from mom. Goes very much hand in hand w/ your site! Continue on and truly love what your doing for mothers.
Ah, LJ, you take the breath right out of my lungs with these words. Beautiful, just beautiful.
{Also? I ache to kiss her tiny cheeks. Soon, soon, soon!}
Ahhhhhh can’t believe I get to have you in the neighborhood soon! Me and Z can’t wait!!!
This post strikes such a chord with me!
A woman in my church who has never been married or experienced being a mother to her own children, echos the same sentiment in a sermon titled “Are We Not All Mothers?” that can be read at the following link.
http://lds.org/ensign/2001/11/are-we-not-all-mothers?lang=eng&query=Mother
Happy two-month birthday to Zoe! I can’t believe how she’s grown. And thank you for the beautiful post. I couldn’t agree more.
I recently spent time with a woman who has struggled for years with infertility. She lost one baby through miscarriage, and the thing I most admired about her response to that terrible loss was that she fully embraced a new identity as mother. Despite what many would say (and what that girl with the flowers did say to you, Lisa-Jo), my friend knows that she is a mother even though there is no child living in her home and she has never given birth. It isn’t easy to do this – somehow it makes her loss appear even larger and more tragic – but by accepting the bigger loss she has found more joy and confidence too.
gosh, more and more i am sure of why i follow your blog.
“Motherhood means we stretch with new life, whether or not we deliver a baby.” i adore how you acknowledged the mother in all of us, particularly in those who may not be able to mother a child. while i am not one of those women, i can’t imagine the heartache and i’m sure they more than appreciate you recognizing the mother that still resides within them.
beautiful, beautiful post.
How can she already be 2 months old?! She’s beautiful, Lisa-Jo! :)
My heart hurts that you were crushed in your new mommy-ness. My friend is currently 9 months pregnant with her first. I was so excited that she stood up on Mother’s Day to receive a flower. She is a mother…and so are many who have never physically given birth to a child.
Thank you for the beautiful post, and the wonderful pictures of your sweet and beautiful baby Zoe. They grow so fast, and I know you treasure each moment!
This post particularly resonated with me as I’m a birthmom. I carried a baby for 9 months (well 36 weeks, but close enough) and then placed her in the arms of a couple to make them parents. Though I’m not parenting, I’m still a mother. People have said that birthmoms mother everyone else because they’re not mothering their own children, and that is SO true. My heart aches for my daughter when she gets sick and there’s nothing I can do about it. My heart leaps for all the little milestones that I hear about her crossing. But I also stretch my heart to mother my friends. When they need support, I’m there. When they want someone to share a laugh, I’m there. Just like mothers who are raising their children. I loved your post! :-)
Ok, hands down, my favorite post.
Oh so true, and a message that needs to be heard. Our firstborn was born still and our rainbow baby is now 6 months old. I still flinch inside a little when well meaning friends make comments about being a new mom, etc. Not because I’m not actively mothering for the first time, but because our firstborn made me a mother. I think sometimes we forget mothers day is for the broken too.
The sting of the words that girl spoke as you put out your hand for the flower made tears well up in my eyes.
And the words you spoke about mothering and ALL the ways we nurture and mother others were the balm that soothed the sting.
(And the photos of Zoe soothed too!)
I love this. :) I had a similar experience when I was pregnant with my first, celebraing Mother’s Day at church. I stood when they asked the moms to stand, and afterwards was asked why I stood. I felt indignant; I certainly was a mom, from the moment my little one was first growing in me! And certainly every woman can be a spiritual mother to the people around her… I’ve been a mother since I was a teenager in that sense. :) Your Zoe is beautiful, and growing so fast!
oh, sweet lisa-jo. thank you for this. i can’t tell you how honored i have been to be the auntie to so many children who feel like they’re mine. the sweetest was after the first time i met my friend Shannon’s little girl Hannah last summer. we had been friends through this online space for a few years. we had skyped and they had made videos and last summer i finally got to see them in person. in a card afterward Shan said that Hannah told her, “I snuggled into her so tight, mom, because I forgot for a minute that she wasn’t you. you feel the same.”
that has always been my goal with the babes. to love them so completely and honestly that they feel safe. that has truly been the joy of my life. and i try to remember that if i had my own children i might not have these intimate connections with all these others… and i wouldn’t trade that for anything.
ps: zoe-girl… you melt my heart.
What a beautiful, heart-grabbing post. You made me misty, thinking of my own first Mother’s Day, feeling “there” already even though others refused to acknowledge it. We were mothers, just totin’ on the inside back then. :)
Thank you for sharing such beautiful writing with us!
Beautiful!! And SO true!! What truth, girl-love it :)
I have always loved the way you craft words into such wonderful stories, but I really do think that since this beautiful baby girl has made her appearance your writing has grown even more lovely. What a heart you have Lisa-Jo – and how the Father uses you to bless so many. Thank you.
You have me a bit of puddled mess this week, Lisa-Jo.
I love her so much… and her Mama.
You nurture like your Father…
I remember the feeling of excitement when I was pregnant with my first child, and then the feelings of grief I felt when I lost the child to miscarriage. I still maintain that I became a mother during that pregnancy, not when I gave birth to my son that I became preganant with afetr the miscarriage.
There are also those women who may never give birth themselves, but are mothers in so many ways to others around them. Love your thoughts here.
This is a great post… but you were really just looking for an excuse to share those photos of your darling baby girl, right? She’s gorgeous… good job :)
Beautiful post! So many of my friends are unable to have children of their own, myself included. Anyone who gives love to another without expecting anything in return is a mother.
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Thanks for acknowledging the life-giving God has planted in us women. A number of years ago my mom started giving me Mother’s Day gifts as she knew my heart would like be to be a mom. It comes and goes, but there are years where Mother’s Day is just plain tough with the unfulfilled dreams and desires. God has given me to opportunity to love other little ones, yet at this point, I don’t have any of my own. Thanks for sharing your love and the preciousness of your daughter. My own desire has made me more sensitive to others who face similar desires and losses. I also know you moms get stretched a lot too in other ways. :) Blessings as you nurture.
Lisa-Jo, I love this post. You are one Rockin’ Mommy. :) and, that baby-girl-She is flat-out gorgeous.
Prayers, and xo
What beautiful validation here!
Thank you!
Congratulations to Zoe Grace — she’s BEAUTIFUL! :)
I’m so sorry you had that comment to mar that very-special Mother’s Day past. The aftertaste of that one would have stuck with me too! But this post is such a wonderful redemption of those words carelessly tossed… I love seeing His fingerprints here on your blog.
Just wanted to drop by and say welcome back, Lisa-Jo! Heart be still – she is just TOO heavenly pink and pretty. Those eyes! What an uplifting post, celebrating all mothers at heart.
Beautiful post and oh, so true. We have a wonderful lady in our church who never married or bore children herself but who mothered children in an orphanage for several decades and now mothers and mentors the young mothers of our church.
I felt that I became a mother in 2006, though my little one lived within me for only a few months before going on to glory. Mothers come in all ways. What a perfect post to celebrate it.
{Oh, your sweet little girl is getting SO big so fast!}
I just have to tell you that as hubby and I were reading this post, we saw Zoe’s picture and we both just audibly replied “awwwwwwww.” Because shes’ really, really adorable.
Mother’s Day is so difficult at our house – it’s a painful holiday for the Tongginator. And it’s painful for so many other women I know – women who have lost their children, women who have relinquished, women whose mothers are no longer in their lives, women who struggle with infertility. I love that nurturing is celebrated, but I really struggle with a holiday that excludes so many. I am sorry you experienced such a stinging comment. I know how that feels – I still receive them sometimes.
I am a nurse who specializes in situations of pregnancy loss and infant death …for the women I care for, a situation like someone withholding a flower for unattained motherhood would incite “pitchforks and torches” type of reaction from my ladies. I know that your post was not about death, you could easily have been a bereaved mom and that kind of a reaction would have been a searing knife into the soul of one of my ladies. While Im glad that many fewer babies die now than in the past, it (and our societies poor handling of death in general) has left the average person without capability in how to kindly navigate the waters of grief and death.
Im with Tonggu Momma…pain also comes from relinquishment and other losses. I think it is nice to acknowledge motherhood, but I wish we would do so in a much more inclusive manner.
What a great post! I became a mother for the first time nearly a year ago when two sisters came to live here as my first foster children. While I had a number of people wish me a Happy Mother’s Day, there were a couple of “well, sort of”‘s thrown in. I guess I understood what they meant, like you probably understood what she meant, those words do stick with you (as do the words from when their mom told me “you’ll make a good mom some day” as I cared day for her teen and her toddler day in and day out) They will be going back home to her next week…to their “first” mom, but I know in my heart that I, too, was “mom” to them, even though they call me “Amanda”.
Cute baby :)
There is nothing like motherhood, until along comes grandmotherhood. Your little darling is a darling. She is absolutely adorable.