They asked me to speak at our church’s monthly women’s breakfast. I had no idea what to say or where to begin.
All I could think of is my long list of things I get wrong. On repeat. I’m not afraid of this list. I’m not embarrassed by it. I don’t feel the need to hide it. I just know that it’s not very preachy. It’s a list of who I am and also who I’m not.
At 37 I have made peace with that combo. It no longer makes me want to weep that I forget dentist appointments. Micah has two cavities and we got all the way through the numbing before he was done. Sure, they didn’t get filled because he wouldn’t keep his mouth open for the drill. But we showed up.
Should I tell them that the tumble dryer’s been slowly dying for months and while I think I should mention it to the landlord, I never actually get around to it till it’s good and dead and churning out stone cold wet clothes.
There’s a birthday party I promised Micah back in December that still hasn’t happened and this week I invited people to Zoe’s first birthday party for the wrong month, for goodness sakes.
For two days {and one night} a diaper genie sat outside our front door. Don’t ask.
I sound like a woman stuck together with chewing gum and twine some days.
But on the inside I’m rock solid.
There’s this growing sense of who I am through Jesus’ lenses. Far, far from perfect. But deeply and profoundly loved. So thoroughly loved that my places where I get everything wrong aren’t as terrifying to me anymore.
And I’m learning that much like that storage closet we all have – you know the one – where left over odds and ends go to die and that we have to shove closed with a shoulder – cracking that closet open can be liberating.
I open a door into my mess and the women I know and the ones who read here can exhale. So even though I wondered if God would give me something super spiritual to say on Saturday, He just shook His head and told me to keep doing in real life what I’ve been doing over here –
open the door to your mess and let other people in.
I am convinced that the shortest distance between strangers and friends is a shared story about our broken places.
So Saturday morning finds me standing in front of a lovely group of women and an even lovelier array of cinnamon crunch bagels sharing how desperately inept I’ve felt when it comes to mothering a daughter. How for years I attended a church where I didn’t know anyone beyond “fine.” And how my new strategy for making friends is going to be sharing more than they’re expecting to hear.
I read to them from this blog.
My worlds collide and my words blur and my heart comes home.
Friendship lives beyond the margins of blog posts. Friendship cups real hands around paper cups of coffee. Friendship can see when your mascara runs.
Beautiful reader, believe me when I tell you that we need those friends. We need to pack up our excuses and join that Bible study or moms group or coffee hour or book club or running team that we’ve been meaning to for months now.
I promise it won’t be perfect.
Friendship with skin on will let you down. It will likely hurt you some times. But it will laugh with you, not at you, over the every day bits and pieces that make us real. So these days, I’m going all in. Random diaper genie outside the front door and all.
How about you?
::
this is why the thirties trump the twenties every time. lovely, lisa-jo.
Oh A to the Men!
You had me at cinnamon crunch bagel.
Totally agree with Suzannah. This is why I’m so much more comfortable in my thirties. These are the kinds of friendships only the trenches of motherhood and the wisdom of experience can create. Real…I wouldn’t have it any other way. Beautifully expressed Lisa-Jo. BTW Thank you for permission to put my stinky diaper pail on the porch. It’s killing me!
…I think 50’s trump 30’s…with age comes freedom if we let God win us to His love…and isn’t really an honest heart that draws us in…honesty is easier form me to handle than pretense…thanks for your heart and your honestly here…you invite all in…blessings to you….
Oh I LOVE hearing that it just keeps getting better – thanks for sharing the view from up there – inspires us to keep climbing!
I was gonna add that 40’s trump 30’s, so now I can’t wait for my 50’s!!!
I love this Lisa-Jo, the worlds colliding and the accepting the imperfect, in ourselves, each other. It’s sometimes a struggle to patch all this together but it’s happening slow here, too. This fall I invited a bunch of women over for a book club the night my husband works late, mostly because I desperately needed community, and I figured it would be solid motivation to clean my house. Now I barely clean, and they come and sink into couches laced with cheerios and we laugh and open our hearts and I couldn’t have imagined the friendships that are slowly unfurling.
“Now I barely clean and they come over…” oh I love that. Yes, that’s the best kind of friendship, isn’t it?
That post was better than the calm of yoga (when I get to go)…thank you, thank you!
Thank you for these words–and for living your life openly in real life and with us out here in cyber-world. I’m mid forties and while I’m much more easily able to let my “closet stay open” than I used to be, I’m working on DEEPLY believing that my “closet” doesn’t separate me from Christ’s love. I believe that–but, Lord, help my unbelief!!! May the love of Christ shine on us all and fill us up in our inmost being, to the very height, depth, width and breath of our being, above and beyond all that we can ask or imagine! And as we drink in His love, may we pour it out to each other. Thank you, Lisa Jo, for doing just that!
I see I’m not the first to say that the 50s trump the 30s and 40s…but it is true.
Lisa-Jo, you are so talented! I would love to have heard you speak. I am sure you touched those women in ways you can’t imagine!
I love your comment of “I open a door into my mess and the women I know and the ones who read here can exhale.” Love this image.
This is one main reason I started my blog. To be real and to show my raw self to the world, in hopes that others who have been/who are in my same shoes can exhale, relax, and know that there is HOPE even in the midst of craziness.
What a breathe of fresh air. It is about time we as women stopped trying to perpetuate the falsity that we always have it together…and that is OK! Just last week I made it all the way through lunch before I realized my underwear was on inside out and all I could do was laugh! We aren’t asked to be perfect. We are expected to be dirty and stinky and messy and turned inside out. What good would grace be if we weren’t?
Oh that’s a good one – undies inside out. Yes, been there too :)
I like your gum and twine. :)
So it’s safe to say yesterday’s goldfish are still scattered across my kitchen and living room?
I enjoy your realness and agree that giving more than they’re expecting to hear is a way I’m also growing in being brave in friendships.
Your goldfish and mine could totally set up house together…
Oh…I love this for so very many reasons.
Lisa Jo……I don’t even know what to say…I am overcome with gratitude and relief. Tis post was a breath of fresh air. How did you know that this tired mama spent a good part of the day yesterday reflecting on things undone, promises not yet fulfilled, and the weight of trials on my shoulders?
Thank you for being R.E.A.L.
Thank you for giving us permission to exhale…permission to be real and not pretend.
Patty, thank you for taking me real with such grace and encouragement!
while we are admitting – i am sure i missed a woman gene somewhere because i am perfectly comfortable reading a book or watching tv or blogging while i have dirty dishes in the sink. and i agree with the ladies who commented before me – i become more comfortable with who i am in christ the older i get. 4o’s WAY better than 30’s!
Kendal, you made me laugh. I think I missed that “woman gene” too. The dishes sit as I type. :) And at 39, I am so excited for the 40’s. I really am!
This is so true. There is so much freedom and possibility when we are real. I do believe it usually comes with age, and sometimes it comes with experience good or bad. I started crying at Bible study last week while sharing and I think I shocked some ladies. I got hugs from women who never would have done that before. It was a special thing really. Nobody has it all together, some just hide it better than others. I always tell my friends this when they are down on themselves. I also use it for myself! ;)
Did you include these specific flowers for a reason Lisa-Jo? The reason for my asking is that I was looking all over for the autumn crocus yesterday in reference to Isaiah 35:1 “The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom. Like the rose or the autumn crocus”
We serve an amazing God indeed. May he bless all of these friendships and may it blossom!
Thank you for that verse – no, I didn’t have it in mind. But I will now every time I pass that patch of crocuses on our walk home from Kindergarten
‘Friendship is born at that moment when one person says, “What?! You too. I thought I was the only one!”‘ -C.S. Lewis
Gypsy Mama, T H A N K Y O U!!! This is me. You know me!! I want to hug you and jump with you and drink coffee and walk and hey! look there’s (something distracting)!
I, at the age of 27 have just started to accept that I do not operate the same way as some people – as some Moms. I have A.D.D. My house is a mess – no matter how much I want organization, I can’t seem to do it. I just started college this past January (which is a HUGE step) with the purpose of just.doing.it! No matter the outcome. I am struggling; leaving assignments to the last possible second (because I don’t know how to operate out of chaos). But I have a great friend that helps remind me of my ‘primary purpose’. And then, just being there handing in the work that I can is enough. I feel overwhelmed with life most of the time. But, I’m also learning to *Breathe . . . . .
God is crazy about me right.where.I.am. even if I never change! How awesome is that!
Thank you for sharing you!
Can we be friends and accept each other just the way we are?! Love, Nancy
I whole heartedly agree with r.elliot and mary when they say the 50’s trump the 30’s. They absolutely do, ladies. And I’ve even heard it said that 50 is the new 30!! Only so much better for all the wisdom gained over the years through the lessons in the moments of our lives.
Thanks for letting me share…
Yes, our messy places are important and when we see them as a place we came from and the power we can portray to those who are listening it gives them hope and a renewed promise that it could happen to them too.
Hope is a gift that is so easy to give, it just takes risk.
These words… chock full of truth.
I’m seeing now, while I live a quiet stage of life, that after spending my days and years holding people at about elbow’s length for fear of them seeing the messiest places, I’ve created an empty spot close to me where nobody knows truth or reality. Far away friends are simply wonderful and beloved, but nothing can replace the ones who are close and see the dirty bathrooms and the days without makeup and the children’s tantrums. Life isn’t an Instagram or a dreamy tweeted moment, and somewhere in here we must bridge the gap between perceived perfection and beautiful reality. Thank you for always being real, my friend.
“Life isn’t an Instagram or a dreamy tweeted moment” – yes, this. So good, Ash. And I’m so glad we’re close enough these days to share moments of our real and messy every dayness together!
I have found exactly this to be true. I spent so much time when I moved into my current neighborhood trying to pretend like my house was always as perfect as my perfectionist mind wished it was, that I was always dressed and ready by 9 am and that I had a perfect child. Finally I got tired of all the pretending and let people in when I was still in pajamas at 5pm, exhausted from chasing around my toddler and working from home, and my house a complete disaster. I was suprised to find that people understood…even expected this from a new, young mother. I get a little sad now when I go to people’s houses and they apologize for the mess. I always tell them, I didn’t come to see your house, I came to see you. Letting people in to my mess taught me how to make real friends.
Thank you for your example and for this beautiful post.
As much as I enjoyed (and wholeheartedly agree with!) your message on friendship, I am mostly just grateful to know I’m not the only one who is horrible at scheduling dentist appointments! :)
Have a great day! Your blog is wonderful.
Ugh, that stupid dentist appointment. I STILL haven’t rescheduled. The mere thought fills me with such profound dread…
This is why I love your blog, it’s so real! I am living far from almost all the people I know right now, and some of these online places are my lifesavers right now…thankyou!
With 5 kids n #6 on the way, I am a real mess most days…so glad He works with me! Yesterday I forgot about daylight savings time and we just went by the old time – until Hubby came home…so typical of me!! Glad there are other women who don’t have it all together:) Keep writing, I love it!!!
Oh blessings on your number SIX!!! :)
You are such an honest wonderful mama! Thank you, thank you, thank you, for sharing your wins and also sharing your losses, your struggles and missed dentist appointments. It is inspiring and reassuring. Hugs!
Absolutely beautiful. I’ve come to realize my life will never be perfectly packaged and {sigh} I will make mistakes. My pride will get in the way, or I’ll speak before thinking {or prayer}, or I’ll worry, but you know? I just want to be real. Authentic.
And sometimes being authentic, in fact most times, it means, just like you said, opening the door and letting them see the real you. The imperfect life that through the Lord can be made beautiful.
Bless you for your encouraging words.
Rachel
This makes for a lovely read. The right words at right places.
Regards,
Ruby
Thanks so much for sharing. I too feel like I’m stuck together with chewing gum and twine MOST days! I’m also thankful for all the comments as well. Feeling more accepted by God than ever before and happy to hear someone say that God is crazy about me right.where.I.am. even if I never change! I also love the strategy for making friends by sharing more than they’re expecting to hear. My 16 year old daughter thinks my sharing is weird, but oh well!
Praying God’s blessings for all of us
As all others ahead of me are saying, thank you! I love reading your blog because it’s refreshing. My heart says amen!
I’m almost 63 and still living in my messes. Thank you. Jesus loves me!
What fun it must have been to hear you speak. Thanks for always giving permission for the mess ALL of us live with in some part of our lives. And yes, the 40’s and 50’s get better and better. But I’m here to tell ya – the 60’s rock! Hope I can still say that in a few years when it will be the 70’s.
I love this, you, all of it. Thank you. <3
Yes! We. must. do. this. Community — our true hearts laid bare and trusted, with Him, in community — depends on it. I just sent out this post, through email, to all my close friends. Thank you so much.
Julia,
I love when people get real about the mess in their lives. It makes me feel normal. I’m off to the orthodontist in an hour because I threw away my retainer…in October! I think all of my clothes need to be washed, and I have no groceries in my house at the moment.
I think to cope I dress up in nice clothes and put on some make up. People compliment me on how nice I look but inside I think it’s a mask. I’m so far from perfect. My whole being sighs in relief to discover that others aren’t either.
Thanks for keeping it real!
Jenny
I love it! All in for me also! I have had this problem for a while. I have LOTS of “surface” friends that I speak with and exchange pleasant conversation. But when it has come to forming deeper relationships I drop the ball (usually when someone invites me out). So this weekend I went to a “meetup” and met some really lovely women who I hope to NOT drop the ball with. Thanks for sharing!
Oh you are brave and wonderful and yay you!!
Oh Nonny, I’m right there with you. The 60’s are wonderful is so many ways (ah those darling, perfect grandchildren), but I sometimes still feel very much like a little girl in my heart of heats. Messes galore – but certainly a bit more wisdom.
Oh my heart. I just love every single thing about this post. The closest friends in my life know the messy, imperfect me and love me in spite of myself. I try to be that same person on my blog, and for the most part I relate to what you’re saying about your 30’s, although there are still days where insecurity washes over me. Thank the Lord that my 20’s are over and I think my 40+ years are gonna rock.
And all the women in their tired thirties said, Amen!
I’ve been blogging for 3 years, yet I haven’t written much about my mess, my brokenness. Oh, I’ve written book reviews and Bible studies, but not much about my brokenness. So your post today is rather timely because I wrote about a rather messy period of my life just this morning. And it feels . . . vulnerable. Your words help to shore that up. Thank you.
It is vulnerable. Even more so when everyone is still drinking their coffee and staring at you when you sit down after sharing in person. Yea, vulnerable. But worth the gift of the friendships that are born from it.
I really admire the honesty and gracefulness I’ve found in your writing.
It is a challenge to let our guards down, to let people see that we don’t have it all together all the time. So often I’ve felt ashamed of my imperfections that I’ve tried to pretend they weren’t there and hope no one else would see them, including Jesus. So this post is encouraging for me to not always be in hiding…thanks :) :)
Preach it, sista.
And let me tell you this sure thing: This messy girl needs you and all your glorious messiness. I love you so much, Lisa-Jo. Hugs to you, friend.
Come live next door to me already….
Chewing gum and twine…. oh yes, that line resonated with me, as well.
Way to share and speak at your church! What a blessing!
Love your liberating message … it’s ok to be me :)
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement…I am going through a dry spell when it comes to friends, mostly because most of my friends live in other states or have recently moved out of my life for different reasons…this post was water to a thirsting heart… I wrote a reply on my own blog if you are interested in reading it http://naesheart.com/2012/03/13/i-can-always-use-a-friend/
As always, thank you, thank you, thank you for this. I feel like I’m held together by chewing gum and twine every. single. day. And I’m not quite here yet most days, “So thoroughly loved that my places where I get everything wrong aren’t as terrifying to me anymore.”
But you give me hope. You give me hope that I’m not alone and that God is at work redeeming me and the messes I make in my barely held together state. You give me hope that it really, really IS OK.
And I’m so thankful for that tonight that I’m a little bit teary.
This made me okay with turning 30. Thank you for reminding me that the rock is what matters, and I’m much more solid at 29 3/4 than I’ve ever been.
“I am convinced that the shortest distance between strangers and friends is a shared story about our broken places.” Just love this line! And so the truth! When we become “real”…somehow it seems to open us up and welcome the world and others feel safe in our presence, huh!? Such realness in your writing! I have so much to learn from you. ~ jen
Sometimes I just feel a little stuck. I feel like I have nothing to share, nothing to add, nothing to do, and then I see you have a new post. I stop by for a bit, breathe a little easier, and am stirred some. You breathe life and blessing and I’m so thankful. Thanks for opening the door and letting us see.
And please, toss a cinnamon crunch bagel my way! :)
On a week that my house looks like a tornado has blown through and I am frazzled on the edges, your posts reminds me that messiness is real. And that is how I like to live life. Real and open and honest and transparent. Thank you for squaring off the frazzled edges of my mess and reminding me that life happens….mess and all! And I wouldn’t trade any of it because of the One who walks beside me through the mess.
Oh, you, Stacey and I could put a serious hurtin’ on a Panera Bagel rack – and the coffee canisters. 42+ a 3yo is a whole world of mess. I’d invite you to dinner with us, but then I’d have to clean out the papers from that 4th chair, and well… wouldn’t you just rather meet up somewhere – with kids so I don’t have to try and find a sitter? You get the idea. Thanks for just being you here.
“I am convinced that the shortest distance between strangers and friends is a shared story about our broken places.” – beautiful. Great post!
This is beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing!
Lovely post! And so very true. Being open to sharing our brokenness is easier to do in writing sometimes than in real life, as my blog has proven many times, but you’ve inspired me to make a more concerted effort IRL. Thanks!