There were two years in South Africa that were both the worst and most wonderful of my life.
It made it easy to stay home on Sundays and get lost in a book or a TV show instead of a church service. Because there was always this lingering sense of showing up in a place where everyone else seemed to have it together, where everyone else was welcome, and where we just felt lost.
One Sunday night Wanda announced I was going to church. She would keep Jackson, and my dad and I would head to church. Honestly, the only part of that suggestion that was appealing to me was the thought of two whole hours without a demanding, crying infant. I would have gone just about anywhere for that kind of break.
We walked in and the place was packed. At the time my parents’ church was meeting in a high school auditorium. There was the wooden stage in front and the long hall-like room it looked out over. Hundreds of folding chairs lined the place from side to side and the band was already warming up on stage.
I sat down while everyone else around me was excitedly, happily hugging and greeting one another. I sat down and looked at my feet. I sat down lost and completely disassociated from the faith that used to come so naturally to me. I sat down and didn’t feel anything.
And then I looked up and saw Jesus.
I mean, as clearly as the eye of your heart can show you something, I just knew He was up there on that stage standing amidst the ultra-hip band members that had always intimidated me. I realize how wild it sounds, but all I can tell you is what I knew in that moment, what the Spirit showed me deep down in my wildly pounding heart. I couldn’t hardly swallow, the blood was ringing in my ears, and I knew for certain that Jesus was real and that He was looking at me.
He looked into my lonely desperate self and His face broke out into this wild, crazy-happy grin. And then He just leaped right off that stage and came running toward me, sweeping chairs and music stands out of His way, and yelling over and over again, “You came! Oh you came! I’m so HAPPY you came!”
And then He was right there in front of my row grabbing me off my feet and hugging me like a lunatic and jumping and dancing in glee and whooping, “I’m so happy you came. I’m SO glad!” And something hard as lead in my heart cracked and melted into the gut deep assurance that He loved me, just as I was. He loved me, He loved me, He loved me.
Even when I didn’t feel loveable or lovely or loved.
I’ll never forget. I’ll never forget his unbridled excitement that I had come to spend time in His Father’s house. That I had brought my sadness and confusion home. And He didn’t even bother mentioning any of that; He was too thrilled just to be together.
And in that moment none of the questions I had for Him mattered. In that moment there was just the joy of being wanted and the sense of belonging no matter how displaced my circumstances were. And it felt like this
It’s been a while since I thought about that night. But today, during worship at church, it all came back and I stood there with this goofy grin on my face remembering the God who will leap chairs, hymnals and any other baggage between us and Him to get His hands on us and His arms wrapped tight around us.
And I thought there might be someone out there who needed to know that. Someone like me. Someone lost and lonely and desperate for answers. I can’t offer you any of those; I wish I could. But I can tell you with absolute certainty that there is a God who is buck wild about you.
And all you have to do is show up. At church, in the laundry room, locked behind the bathroom door.
Just go ready to meet Him. And let Him do the rest.
When he was still a long way off, his father saw him. His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced him, and kissed him. The son started his speech: ‘Father, I’ve sinned against God, I’ve sinned before you; I don’t deserve to be called your son ever again.’ But the father wasn’t listening. He was calling to the servants, ‘Quick. Bring a clean set of clothes and dress him. Put the family ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Then get a grain-fed heifer and roast it. We’re going to feast! We’re going to have a wonderful time!
My son is here—given up for dead and now alive! Given up for lost and now found!’ And they began to have a wonderful time. Luke 15:20-24.
Thank you so much for sharing, for this visual of a loving Lord, with emotion! So often Jesus is portrayed so somber and serious. I did need to know it and to visualize that He is excited when I go to His house.
How perfect this is – thank you for sharing. I definitely needed to read that. I love the unfairness and the lop-sidedness of Christ’s love for us. Just like the prodigal son how often can we say “I’ve sinned against you”? But when we come honest and needy wow how He shows up! Farther help me asked all those who struggle with believing and trusting your lopsided love experience You in ways that make it undeniably real. In Christ’s make, amen!
So beautiful! Thanks so much for this. Really touched my heart, and made me weep with love for my Christ who loves me no matter what <3
It’s me. I’m the “someone” who needed this. I’m holding a tiny baby on my shoulder who won’t stop crying and I’m playing pretend with a three year old- at the same time- on a Sunday morning- while my husband- who used to be a youth pastor- is working a regular job on a Sunday. And that keeps us from going to church as a family. And it’s been “easy” to not go. Because of them, his job, brokenness, excuses. And the hip people on stage intimidate me.. And I used to BE her. It all used to be so easy and fmailiar. And then and now, not so much. This season of no. And lonely. And heartache. And being in a land I do not love. All of it mirrored in your words. Thank you for sharing. For today, you were my gift. Sitting in my bedroom with me. Holding me and telling me, this is a season. A looooong season that will work out … And that he loves me. Because sometimes… Well, that’s the hardest one to believe. THANKYOU sister, it was me.
Alicia,
I love your honesty here. I have been there too. These seasons are so hard. I used to be hip too…times have changed. ;) Now I feel lucky to get dressed and get out the door.
Thank you for this. I had one of those kind of days today. Nothing was particularly hard of difficult, it was just the usual. The two year old boy who won’t sit and the five year old girl who whines and wiggles. Sometimes it’s so exhausting I wonder why we try. Today’s sermon was great, it was about Caleb and having a pioneer spirit. It have encouraged me. But instead I felt like life had passed me by. (Even though the pastor speaking said that was precisely not true). We have two small children, we’ve just begun homeschooling. I already help head up a ministry and yet I feel like my life is a mess sometimes. Pioneer? I’m barely maintaining the status quo, yet I have the desire for adventure. But I’m so practical. Who will watch the children? (I often wonder what Joshua and Caleb’s wives though when they volunteered to help take the promised land.) I see the amazing accomplishments other people are making and I keep asking myself “What have you done for the kingdom lately?” Thank you, Lisa Jo for your frequent reminders that the struggle to be there is important even if it doesn’t produce an amazing aha moment. That our work as moms is holy work, even when it feels like everyone else is doing something “really” important.
Beautiful! Wonderful! I know what you felt at that moment in that church. Twice I have felt that, that knowing that God has allowed you to experience something that cemented the knowledge of His love in such a way that no one or nothing can ever take it away from you. Thanks for sharing, it brought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.
There are so many things that I would like to say to you. But, through my tears, all I can come up with is to tell you that your words are beautiful and have touched my life.
Lisa-Jo,
You have created such a safe, beautiful places for us weary mamas to come and be as we are. Just reading the other comments gives me a glimpse into the way that your words are drawing our hearts closer to Grace and Love. So, thank you.
This post was beautiful. You depicted so vividly the exuberance of God’s love for us.