I don’t know a woman who hasn’t had the life choked right out of her by the jealousy that can get a throttle-hold when she’s innocently scrolling Facebook. We all need the reminder that the Internet is Not the Boss of Us. My friend, Michelle DeRusha writes with an unvarnished honesty about this subject that we don’t always want to admit out loud that we struggle with. I’m incredibly grateful for her willingness to share what she’s learning.
Words and glorious photos by Michelle DeRusha.
I sent my husband a text yesterday. A really short text, comprised of just a symbol and a number:
#268,304.
I didn’t need to elaborate. Brad knew. This is the kind of conversation we’ve been having for a while now.
“I would love you the same if you only sold one,” he texted right back.
I smiled. My husband’s patience and encouragement is as deep as the Marianas Trench.
#268,304 was my Amazon book rank that day. The number goes up and down, but mostly it’s been rising steadily since my memoir, Spiritual Misfit, was published back in April. As I’ve had to remind my mother, “Bigger is not better,” at least when it comes to your book’s Amazon rank.
I’d love to tell you that I’m okay with this, that I’ve surrendered the book to God and am at peace knowing everything is in his good and gracious hands. But that wouldn’t be the whole truth.
The whole truth is that I surrender one hour and then check my Amazon rank the next. And while I’m there, I check the ranks of a half-dozen other books released by friends around the same time as mine.
I’m at peace one hour and mired in the muck of envy and despair the next.
I’ve waged hand-to-hand combat with the green-eyed monster along every step of this journey to book publishing.
I’ve envied the writers who had an agent when I didn’t.
I’ve envied the writers who landed book contracts when I couldn’t.
I’ve envied friends who have sold more books and have more followers, more consistent writing jobs and a better book rank than I do.
If I’m brutally honest with myself, much of this envy stems from my own lack of confidence and my struggle to find my place in this blogosphere. On most days it seems I’m not edgy enough to fit with the controversial Christians. I’m not Jesus-y enough to fit with the evangelical Christians. I’m not scholarly enough to fit with the theological Christians.
I’m a misfit, just like the title says.
I spend an unhealthy amount of time and energy trying to squeeze myself into a particular group – to write more like they do, to think more like they do, to act more like they do. When I inevitably fail, the envy ratchets up yet another notch. And that envy gives rise to even uglier feelings of worthlessness, bitterness and failure.
Friends – and believe me, I’m preaching as much (more!) to myself as I am to you – we don’t need to do this to ourselves.
We don’t need to make ourselves look or act or write like anyone else.
We don’t need to push and pull and squeeze ourselves into a box, a definition, that doesn’t fit.
We don’t need to mold and contort ourselves into shapes and sizes that pinch and prick.
We don’t need to tell ourselves, “If only I could write/look/talk/be like her, then I would be successful, then everything would be good.”
We don’t need to envy someone else’s status, or book sales, or rank, or title or dress size.
Because this, friends, is the Truth:
God’s kingdom, both in heaven and right here on earth, is a spacious place – infinitely broad, infinitely wide, infinitely deep, with room enough for everyone. God doesn’t want us to force ourselves into someone else’s place; He wants us to embrace a much bigger, much roomier place than that.
God yearns for us to enter into his glorious, wide-open spacious place.
My kids and I like to hike in a nature sanctuary called Spring Creek Prairie a few miles outside of town where gold finches swoop, sunflowers bloom wild and the tall bluestem tickles our knees.
We always walk the same route. We climb the path toward the top of the hill, the dirt beneath our feet still rutted from the covered wagons that jostled through these plains more than 100 years ago. We marvel at just how much unfettered, unsullied space unfurls long and wide, all the way to the horizon. Here we are, in twenty-first-century America, our global population exploding by the minute, and yet this vast, wide-open space still thrives, pulsing, abundant, alive.
You might not believe such a place still exists…unless you you were to see it with your own eyes, with your arms opened wide and your head tipped back toward the sky.
You might not believe such a wide-open space exists, unless you stepped into that place to see and experience and live it for yourself.
Friends, let’s step into the wide-open space God has prepared for us.
Let’s step into it with our eyes wide, our arms open, our heads tipped back toward the sky. Let’s breathe in the spaciousness, the vastness, the bounty that is there and that is God.
“I can’t tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn’t fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren’t small, but you’re living them in a small way. I’m speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!”
2 Corinthians: 11-13, The Message.
Step in. There’s room enough and more for all of us here.
A Massachusetts native, Michelle DeRusha moved to Nebraska in 2001, where she discovered the Great Plains, grasshoppers the size of Cornish hens … and God. She is the author of Spiritual Misfit: A Memoir of Uneasy Faith and 50 Women Every Christian Should Know: Learning from Heroines of the Faith (releasing September 16, 2014). She’s mom to two bug-loving boys, Noah and Rowan, and is married to Brad, an English professor who reads Moby Dick for fun. You can connect with Michelle on her blog and on Twitter and Facebook.
Thank you for your on-going honesty, Michelle. Surrendered one minute, arguing the next, yes, that sounds about right, in every area that really matters. Gos loves the wrestlers, Michelle. Thank you also for those beautiful pictures and that verse that I love from the Message, I needed both this morning.
I so appreciate your honesty, Kelly – I feel comforted knowing I’m not the only one who wrestles this way.
I always appreciate the way you share your stories, Michelle. And this wide open place? I’m so grateful to stand in it beside you–God has planned for more than we can begin to fathom. Beautiful, inspiring encouragement, my friend. ((Thanks)) xO
Kris, you know how much I love you and am so grateful for the encouragement you shower on me time and time again. You have such a gift, girl!
Michelle, such truth in this post. Know why? Because it is written from authenticity. Perhaps our feeling like a misfit is a lifelong struggle because it will keep us real before God. This much I know … He had purpose for your book. And one day, He is going to unroll the scroll and show you all that it accomplished. And I am not sure if you will drop to your knees or jump up & down like crazy. All I do know is you will be saying, “It was so worth it!”. Thank you for being you. For every word you pen which points us to Him. Blessings!
Joanne, You have been such an incredible cheerleader and encourager all along this whole way. I can’t thank you enough for all the times you have lifted me up and offered me a virtual hug. Thank you for your faith in this book. It keeps me going when I’ve kind of lost faith in it myself.
Michelle, your post today was just what I needed. I quit my job recently after 15 years in the stress of a government job…and now am home writing full time. This whole writing gig is a two-edged sword. I want to write what God wants me to share, but I too get wrapped up reading what everyone else is doing and thinking, “if I could only do that.” It has gotten me a bit off track of where I feel I should be going. I appreciate you sharing and wish you tons of blessings!!
I pray you will feel God’s love and encouragement as you walk forward in obedience on this writing journey, Connie. Stay true to YOUR voice. Your story is unique; your voice is YOU. It’s easy to be swayed by all the other voices out here in the blogosphere, but try to remember that God created only one Connie and he gave you a particular story (or stories!) to tell. There is room enough, and more (!) for all of us out here!
Big sigh from me here… just now… It is my constant struggle to not feel the brutal struggle of performance. If I could only is a mantra that I’m well acquainted with. Thanks for the reminder. Such beautiful words and beautiful photos. I’m going to have to check out Spring Creek Prairie sometime soon.
Barb, get yourself out to Spring Creek Prairie, pronto – fall is the very best time out there! {and thank you so much, lovely friend, for your kind and truthful words here today}.
Thanks for your honesty in the struggle Michelle! I was truly a misfit growing up and know that I still struggle with it today (just ask Denise and even my son Alec). As I continue to travel the road and discover who God is calling me to be after the Air Force, it is good to have a traveling companion like you who knows the feelings of struggling with being a misfit and trying to fit into a mold!
I love that you are a misfit, Michael – that’s what makes you so relateable, so easy to talk to, so genuine – your misfitedness is one of your very best qualities (and you have a whole LOT of good qualities!).
I do this again and again and again. Thank you for sharing your hour by hour struggle. It helps me know I’m not alone and reminds me to step into that open space.
You have very good company with me, Steph. I have to remind myself to give myself grace so often – I am hard on myself for being such a “failure” when it comes to this surrendering, this handing-over of myself to God. So please, give yourself a little bit of grace, too, okay?
Oh Michelle, another gut-level honest post. Here I am just admiring the fact that you’ve a) written a fantastic book, b) had it published and c) sold thousands of copies! Women from all over the world are reading, and relating to your Spiritual Misfit Journey. And hearts are being changed, I have no doubt of that. And then you have that cute husband, always cheering you on, always letting you know you are loved, even if you’d sold only 1 copy. Wow!
I love your message here, AND those wide-open, spacious, glorious skies. Makes me think of the psalmist, David, who said, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove, that I might fly away and be at rest.” Leave behind all the earthly ‘junk’ and just be at total peace for while. I appreciate the Scripture reference, too. The “smallness I feel” really does come from within, not from our open and expansive Father God. Thanks, Michelle, truly.
And thank you, Jillie, for being the most encouraging cheerleader and a good friend.
Oh yes, I’m pretty sure we can all relate to the oh-so-frustrating pendulum that swings between contentment and envy. Thank you for these words that speak for so many. (And I didn’t know you have another book releasing soon! Congratulations! Sounds amazing ..) Thank you again, and may the Lord help each of us to rest in our identity in Him alone.
Amen, Kate. And thank you.
Honey, this post is so well written! And with the photos, too—gosh! Hey, blogosphere, this is how it’s done.
You make me smile, Megan. Thank you, Love.
Oh, Michelle….I just love you BIG, BIG, BIG!!!! Oh, how we need each other, sisters in Christ, to remind us of truth. I sat in church a week ago and begged Jesus to rescue me from the lies that I’m not young enough, pretty enough, yada, yada, yada, yada….that I will truly rest in His grace and truth that He alone is all the ENOUGH I need to live out His plans and purposes for ME. I would so fail at being witty, charming, adorable you. I’m preparing to lead the women’s study at our church in the fall…following in the footsteps of the most elegant, glamorous, articulate teacher I’ve ever met. Scripture rolls off the tip of her tongue like honey. She’s been leading the study for years. Years. And I’m so not any one of those things…and I’ve been on the verge of breaking out in hives. I told a friend at church yesterday that I wonder if I need to buy new clothes, because I am so blue-jeans plain and country simple and if I don’t have notes in front of me, I’ll forget everything I meant to say. She just laughed. But truthfully, I would fail at trying to be that elegant, articulate teacher, too. A dear friend of mine just lost her father and recently posted something like this: “When someone dies, why do we make them out to be bigger than life? When I die, I just hope they will say, ‘She was a mess, but we loved her so.'” I can’t get over that. I’ve determined that the first time I stand before those women in my church, I’m going to say something much like that. “I’m a mess (a misfit?), but at the end of our time together, I hope you can say, ‘but we loved her anyway.'” xoxox
Patricia, I just had to comment to you here. What your friend said in reference to her daddy…it brought tears to my eyes. I lost my daddy in December 2012. He was a mess, too…but I loved him…love him so. Warts and all, he was my daddy. Without him, I wouldn’t be me. And this misfit daughter of his is a mess, too. Thank you for sharing your friend’s words here.
Your sis in Christ,
Suz
You know, Patricia, I always remember what Liz Curtis Higgs told the audience the time I heard her speak at Allume a few years ago. She said every time she leaves for a speaking engagement, her husband tells her the same thing, “Be Lizzie.” That resonated so, so much with me, and I think about it a lot. So Patricia, that’s what I say to you as you are about to embark on this teaching ministry: Be Patricia. Because you are so beautiful, so uniquely you, so precious and original – those ladies will be blessed beyond measure to have YOU.Sure, your stylish, eloquent predecessor blessed them too, in her own way, but she had a different style, a different approach. Just remember, just because your approach and style are different than hers, doesn’t mean it is less-than. Go forth in confidence, friend!
Yes, Michelle – I understand. The comparison game is so insidious and so demeaning. It does indeed make us smaller. May God lead us into His wide, open spaces – where we are free to be ourselves. I just want to shine for Him. But oh, I need His help – for I am a mess, a misfit, a “what about me?” thinker! And yet, He finds a way to use me, and each one of us, if we just open the door into those jumbled-up hearts of ours!
GOD BLESS!
Ah yes, a what-about-me? thinker. Me, too, Sharon, me too. Praying He opens up our jumbled-up hearts.
I so needed to read this today. Every day. I loved your words, that we don’t have to try to be someone, anyone, other than who He has created us to be. And that there is more than enough room for all of us to be just that. From one misfit to another, thank you.
And thank you for your sweet comment, Andrea – glad to be a misfit with you!
Sweet Michelle,
You know how very much I love your book!!! Rank Smank. Just keep writing what God lays on your heart. He will be the one to bring your blessing just where He wants it to go. I have to believe that. We all do, or some of us would never pick up our pens again.
Your friend,
Lynn (Amazon Rank#762,491)
PS Maybe the question should be: How do we rank with God? I think the Lord Jesus has answered that.
Ha! “Rank Smank” – best expression ever, Lynn. Thanks for making me smile today, friend!
First of all, I think someone could make a lot of money creating an app for Mac and PC that masks Amazon rankings when doing book searches. It would have the phrase “Author Sanity” in the name somewhere.
This post and your struggle reminds me of something Charity Singleton Craig wrote when she was at the Festival of Faith & Writing one year. Here’s an excerpt:
* * * *
Luci Shaw and Jeanne Murray Walker directly addressed this question of ambition…in a conversation they had on its merits and weaknesses. Jeanne advocated an ambition that honors our Creator, indicating that situating ourselves in front of our Creator helps us keep straight who is really in charge of a project.
Jeanne went on to say that writing is not a zero-sum game. “Readers have many tastes for many forms. When we create an audience, we create an audience for everyone.”
“Writing is always an act of hope,” she said.
“And an act of faith,” Luci added.
* * * *
Michelle, writing your book was an act of hope, an act of faith, and you created an audience for more writers (and more of your own work) by writing an honest account of a long journey. You invite us to be real as you work out your ongoing struggles. That’s a gift. Not everyone can handle the vulnerability that comes with transparency. Keep writing. Keep struggling, too.
By the way, here’s the link to the whole article by Charity (I hope this doesn’t flag my comment as spam) http://charitysingletoncraig.com/2012/04/20/writing-as-an-act-of-hope-and-faith/
Ann, thank you so very much for this — for your continuing encouragement, for your ability to see the big picture and articulate that vision so beautifully. I’m heading over to read Charity’s post right now – thank you for excerpting it here. XO
Michelle, I always love your transparency. Beautifully worded.
Thanks, Eileeen – you have been such an encourager along this whole long way – I am so grateful for that.
These are EXACTLY the healing words I needed to hear today.
I am so glad, Alysa.
I’m glad I don’t know how to check my Amazon ranking (and, please don’t share how to do it, because I don’t need visits from any green-eyed monsters. :) ) Thank you for reminding us that God wants us to simply be ourselves and serve Him with the gifts He’s so graciously given to us. We truly cannot be comfortable in anyone else’s shoes; we must be ourselves and live into His promise. In His time, all will come to fruition.
Blessings, Michelle!
Keep yourself in the lovely darkness on this whole Amazon rank bit as long as possible, Martha! Seriously, though, some people are better able to look at the big picture and keep perspective. I am more a nitty-gritty concrete person, so I gravitate toward numbers and ranks and stats to legitimize myself and my gifts. I am slowly, slowly learning ways to protect myself and focus on God’s vision in this, not mine.
Been there, done that. Hate that, love this. Man alive, it’s a vicious, no-win game, this comparison crap. Thanks for your refreshing honesty and for the sweet call to take a hike in the wideness of God’s beautiful world, to remember that there is always room for each one of us. Even me.
Yes, yes, indeed YOU, Diana – you are one of my favorite people and one of my favorite writers out here in this crazy blogosphere – keep writing, keep digging, keep stepping into the wide-open space God has prepared for each one of us!
Thank you so much for the honesty of this post. You certainly are not alone. I can relate so well to you when you speak of giving it all to God one moment and then checking the stats the next moment. I feel so much like Paul at times – I do the things I don’t want to do and I don’t do the things I do want to do. I wrote recently about this issue in a post called Grace, Not Perfection. I often need to go back and read my own words to remind myself. Thank you, again, for sharing your heart with us.
Every time I read those verses I think, “Yup. I get it.” Thank God for Paul – we can so easily relate to him! I like your idea of going back and reading your own words on these tough topics. When I write, I am so convicted of the Truth – but then I forget it so easily.
You know I walk this path with you Michelle. Just this afternoon I got down on my knees and asked forgiveness for this very thing. Perhaps it’s common to all of us, in one way or another. I love your brave heart. The Lord is using unique you to bless so many others.
Sweet Linda, I am praying for you as you wrestle through this, too, friend. Know that you are not alone. Together we will walk this road, even if sometime it’s two steps forward, one step back.
Oh my Stars, yes! This. I just got back from Whidbey Island where I was enjoying some seriously WIDE OPEN Spaces myself and I love this so much! I also love that I just bought my ticket to JT so I will finally get to meet you in person! (I see that you are in Portland(ia) and if only you would be there until the end of the month, we could share coffee and some Spacious Living face to face!
Yay, Karrilee! I can’t wait to meet you at Jumping Tandem in May!
Michelle, I am a misfit, too. A textbook told me so. I’m not bouncy and bubbly and extroverted to the max. The world says that we that are behind-the-scenes people are misfits, that there’s no place here for us.
The way that I see it…there’s more than enough room here for all of us. And if I’m a misfit, and if you’re a misfit, and if He made us in His image, what does that say about Him? It says to me that we’re not the one mis-fitting, or fitting incorrectly. It is those trying to force us into a mold that aren’t fitting. We’re just as He intended us to be.
Now, if I could only actually hold onto that thought and not let the world cause me to see myself as it does, but to see myself as He does…
And about your book sales…maybe your Amazon rank isn’t as big as someone else’s, but what if your book touches just one person and that one person is brought to Christ because of the words He gave you to write? Isn’t that worth more than a million seller ranking? I think that it would be to that one that now has a new life, the promise of eternal life.
Thank you for your wonderful post and the beautiful photographs. May you continued to be blessed.
I love your perspective, Suzanne. It is SO important to remember the impact of a book on an individual basis – I tent to get caught up in the big picture. Honestly, it’s also hard to separate work and calling sometimes. I write as my calling, but I’m also trying to earn at least somewhat of a living off of writing, too – so that tends to blur the lines quite a bit.
(Michelle, do you feel like I’m chasing you around the internet?) Yes, yes, yes. I had a similar experience about a year and a half ago (http://www.eighttwentyeight.org/2013/03/12000-attitude-adjustment/) and it moved me toward an attitude of service. I love your take on it because it reminds us that God is exceedingly abundant and gracious with us. Thanks for writing! (Thanks, Lisa-Jo, for hosting.)
Wow, Kristen, that was a really interesting post (and a little depressing, as you pointed out, considering the best-sellers’ royalties). You’ve really zeroed in a very important conversation I’ve been having with myself and my husband these last couple of weeks. It’s clear to me that it’s very, very difficult to make even a part-time living off of writing. Yet what does that mean? Like you asked, do I throw in the towel? I haven’t discovered the answer yet, and there may not be a perfect solution, but I suspect there is a way, with some compromise, to keep writing, to stay true to our calling, but to do so without sending ourselves into bankrupcy as well. I feel some comfort knowing I’m not the only one asking these kind of questions!
You’re SO not alone. :-) We’ll just keep at it and link arms with others in the same position. Solidarity!
Hi Michelle,
I was talking to a lady the other day and was joking about staying in “Before” mode, that the “After” has way too many restrictions and to high of expectations. But maybe that is where Jesus is having us all stay, “Before”, isn’t that lovely? No more do we have to strive for “After”, no more should we feel the need to live up to anyone else, anymore than they need to live up to us. We can just relax in “Before, knowing that “After” will be the day we rise to the heaven’s and get to meet Him in person as “After”. So, embrace “Before”, that is where all of us are, that is where we will stay and I am so looking forward to my blessed “After”, but for now, I am content with “Before”. Enjoy your day, I love your writing and have had to order your book from my local Christian bookstore in Guelph, Ontario, Canada because it is SOLD OUT!! Sincerely, Stephanie.
Michelle, thank you for your words and your vulnerability. I am heading home from a family vacation to Alaska, where we spent days backpacking in wide-open country that stunned me with its beauty and gave my heart and mind the rest I didn’t know I needed. I work on a new non-profit with my husband and it is so easy to get discouraged and compare. I am so blessed by your encouragement. Thank you.
Michelle, Thanks so much for your honesty in your blog, “When comparisons are choking the life out of you”. It spoke directly to my heart in so many ways. My husband & I have been in a decade of change & lose and I have been struggling to find God in this place we are in. Deep wounds have come to the surface and I can see how God wants to heal the heartache in my life. I have been seeing how I have allowed the enemy of my soul to deceive me and keep my world “small” as you have stated. Your blog was just another confirmation for me and I am truly grateful for that. Blessings to you in your ministry to people like me.