I want to have the kind of faith that dances on a glass floor 103 feet up in the air.
I want to, but often I am too worried to dance. I tip toe up to the edge of the ledge, lean over, look down and feel my stomach drop out the bottom of my toes.
My fear and my faith are constantly at odds.
My list of worries is long, repetitive and unoriginal. I do not want it to doom me to a small life. A life that looks inward. A life that can’t see past its own wants, needs, demands. School fees and commutes, dirty dishes, diapers and potty training. A precarious bank balance and the monthly tug-of-war between bills.
I do not want to end up with a small life.
I want to live big. I want to live big as the vast blue KwaZulu sky I was born under.
But my worries shrink me. They make me think that I need to spend big or travel big to live a big life. And so I sit at the crayola stained dining room table across from Peter on a Sunday afternoon after church. The boys play pirates outside and Pete and I make a list. We write down for the One who already knows, each of our worries. We write them down as an act of handing them over. We list each of the stones that weigh down our hearts; that fill our bellies with lead.
And then we turn the page.
We start a new list. Pete calls them the “bright spots.” He leads me into a tradition that I know many of you already keep – intentional thanks. Looking back as a way to looking forward. Deliberately, regularly counting the gifts that God in his grace has poured into us. Because the more He pours, the more our lives expand to receive. And the more we expand, the more He can pour.
I have always been bad at math, numbers, counting. But through my words I will bend those stubborn numbers to my will, because I have something I need to count. Something I want to count. A lifetime of bright spots. I need to keep track of them so that when I get lost, when my life threatens to deflate into smallness I will have a roadmap ready to lead me forward.
My own Southern Cross. Because Christ has never needed big things or big people, only big willingness to be used.
Five small stones, a few loaves and a couple of fish, 12 unlikely sailors, 1 woman of disrepute, 1 young, engaged girl.
So I tip toe up to the ledge, lean out and over, close my eyes and begin to count:
- Forgiven and loved.
- Peter
- A first born to redeem my view of motherhood, reconnect with South Africa and promise a future of bottomless love and body-related humor.
- A fat-as-butter second baby boy who brought joy back with him.
- A mother who gave me her name, her love for the written word and her view of suffering.
- A father whose life change is one of the biggest reasons I believe.
- Family on two continents who pour themselves into us.
- Jacaranda trees.
- Cherry Blossoms
- Community.
Beautiful. As are you.
I absolutely loved this post. One of those times where you put my heart into words for me. I wrote something similar on my missionary blog. Check it our @ http://www.thehooversinternational.blogspot.com
Thanks so much for this!
~Jessica
A brilliant community just got even brighter! Welcome.
Thank you! Love to follow in you guys’ footsteps.
When I evacuated from Cote d’Ivoire I was challenged to list 5 things I was thankful for each day. It was a great exercise and helped to shift my perspective from small me to great He. Thanks for the reminder.
PS—I think you are a TCK . . . you lived in the USA for a significant part of your formative years. If you’re not a TCK, you’re certainly a TCA!
Yea, the more I’ve thought about it, the more I think I must be a third culture kid – would certainly explain a lot ;)
What a great list! It’s so good to stop and be thankful for all we have in life. Thanks for sharing!
I know you wrote this post becasue of what’s going on over there. Is it ridiculously SMALL to think HE might have had you write it for me too?
Thank you for your honestly. Johnny and I sitting down tonight to write our own list of LARGE and STUNNING blessings. Our own book of psalms.
Thank you. thank you thank you for pouring your heart out to kindred-strangers like me. *blessings* and one of these days a BIG hug
“Kindred strangers” – I love that. You will totally think Ann Voskamp is one too – she encourages the community of gratitude keepers, check her out if you haven’t already.
Wow. Loved this list. Wrote my own in my head after reading … thanks so much for your sweet email! So glad you stopped by my blog – and that we’re “fans” of the same (amazing!) authors.
I think we’re fans of many of the same things, words, lists, boy mothering arts. So lovely to “meet you”!
SHINY!
beautifully written
That is an amazing photo…
I love the way you express yourself.
Thanks for going big and opening your heart up in this way.
Hi Lisa Jo
I love that how you said your worries “shrink you”. It so perfectly describes what worries do and how they make me feel. It makes it real when you talk about itor should I say, it makes it easier to accept – or bring out into the open- Does that make sense ? I always tell myself that God knows my worries and that God is in charge, but I like the idea of writing them down. I am going to try it. You never cease to amaze me with your writing. Thank you for what you do for us other women and Moms, and thinkers and word lovers out here.
Love you, Jen P. in Palatine, IL
Jen, I feel small so many days. I think that Satan wants to lie to us about who we really are and what we were created for. And you’re right “bringing it out into the open” does seem to be the only good antidote. Thank you for your beautiful words of encouragement. They made me feel “big” today ;)
I absolutely love this, and I really needed to read it today. Thank you!
Thank you – it’s always comforting to know that our worry wars are familiar to others!
That. was. beautiful.
What a great way to remind us. Remind us that we don’t have to be big, spend big, or *anything* big. Life was certainly intended for more.
Thanks for this this morning.
*BIG smile*
“Looking back as a way to looking forward.”
have you ever heard the legend of the African Sankofa bird?
No. Tell it to me…
“Because Christ has never needed big things or big people, only big willingness to be used.” – YES! I love intentional thanks – much needed when often all we see in front of us are fear, disappointment, pain and sin … deliberately focusing on our blessings, helps us to see everything as such … beautifully put – thanks for sharing
I’ve been an ad hoc giver of thanks – learning to be deliberate about it is new to me. I like it.
As you know, I adore C.S. Lewis, and I just read an article about writing tips he had given a young admirer. He stressed the importance of cadence. Can I tell you that your writing is beautiful and full of wisdom on many fronts? Yet I think the one thing that makes your writing so special is its cadence. Your writing is positively lyrical, Lisa-Jo. What a gift — thanks for sharing it!
I was inspired by Ann to start my gratitude list a few months ago. It has changed my mindset completely and is a powerful way to confront the lies that infiltrate my mind. I love going back and looking through my list and seeing the small moments that make big blessings that I would have forgotten if I had not written them down.
And honestly, as much as I love to write, the ease of just jotting out a little list every night is perfect for this busy time of life right now. I get the writing out of my system without feeling the pressure to complete whole long journal entries.
I’ve watched her list keepers from afar and felt a little intimidated to join in. But now that I am, I am so blessed.
Another beautiful post. You just so inspire me!
Ok Karen, I am just fumbling in the dark and looking toward the light like we all are, friend. We’re all in this together.
Beautiful… I need to write down the “bright spots” more!
Beautiful. And such a timely reminder. Thank you.
I struggle daily with putting faith over fear. God is working in my life in this area. I’ve gotten better, but I still have my moments. It’s definitely a journey.
~Jennifer
I think we’re all on that journey.
There’s a conspiracy going on in the blogosphere! Everyone’s trying to get me to let go of my doubts, fears, blocks and step forward into the calling God has for me. Dang you! :)
Great post, Lisa-Jo. I want to go make my own list now. How wonderful that you have a husband who encourages you in that. I don’t know what I’d do without mine…God provides spouses so we can have balance.
Loved the picture too!
Ha – now that’s a conspiracy I’d be happy to be a part of! ;)
Thank you Friend. I’m thankful for many many things, including you.
Our God is faithful.
I know that KwaZula sky you are talking about!!! I loved what you said that God just wants BIG willingness. Thank you for this sweet reminder, you echoed my heart and my prayer today.
Love from South Africa,
Charissa
I keep thinking I need to travel out West in the States – they have some great big sky country out there!
Oooo, I loved this post… have been having to do some intentional giving thanks myself lately… thanks for both sides of my life as I’m getting ready to leave one for the other.
That was beautiful. One of the best posts I’ve read in a long time!
-FringeGirl