The lovers in movies kiss in shades of intimate sunset. Wind and light and time stand still for them. Their moments are filled with space to breathe and exhale and savor. They hold hands. They look long and deep into the insides of each other’s eyes to interpret what lingers there. They read each other like braille because they have the time to do so. They never cut to the chase.
These people must not have children.
They operate outside the constant state of rush that characterizes even the most mundane moments of a parent’s existence. Should trying to go to the bathroom alone really be this exhausting? When the color of the bowl that holds the mac and cheese becomes a potential battle ground, how can there even be the hope for meaningful conversation over dinner? A day’s worth of thoughts and emotions are lost by the time bath time has been survived and bed time dragged out for hours of “go back to bed” and “I just need one more drink of water.”
Parents as people seem to exist only in the fringe hours of the day. And those hours are frayed around the edges.
I remember a Fourth of July when we napped, lingered, ate, and strolled down to the mall maddeningly late in the eyes of those who had been camped out since early afternoon. We did not plan ahead. We were too busy just being together. How your hand felt around mine seemed like the most important part of the evening. The fireworks, they were nice. But you, you were what the night was about.
I leaned into you and watched the heavens explode and knew it would always be us. I never could have imagined that there would be a night when making sure we’d packed the red pacifier would be more important than the grip on your hand.
I need to find your fingers. I need to relearn the outline of your hand over mine. I need to breathe. Where do parents go to do that? Beyond the confines of the midnight hour?
A few choices…all of which require Trust: grandparents or good friends, and a night ALONE. I mean hours…maybe the boys even spend the night away…I know you miss them and want to be with them on the weekend, but I’ve found taking mini breaks, just a night away re charges My bateries and out relationship that the red pacifier isn’t such a big damn deal!
We found a family to trade babysitting with…we kept theirs one night and they kept ours, the kids thought it was vacation, not babysitting!
Mini-breaks. Yes! {insert swoon here} We must work on those!
“The fringe hours of the day” – perfect description. We enjoy “couch dates” and we try to get away alone overnight once or twice a year. It’s just enough to keep us going through this relentless chapter of our lives.
“Relentless” – yes, an excellent word. But “chapter,” yes that’s another good one too. Thank you.
Aw! I can relate! I have five children, and we live in Japan. It is tricky to find a babysitter in another country. Date nights away are few and far between, and there are days I just look down into the sink and say, “I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!”
Make a little lawn chair circle outside of your house and sit in the cool night air. Put on music for your kids so they won’t hear you and follow you. Have a cigar if you’re so inclined, or a nice bottle of wine.
Couch dates are fun! I like movies, but TV series are fun because you can look forward to finding out what happens next… and the next couch date!
If your husband is in the shower, quick climb in and give him a kiss and help him with a sudsy scrub, and let him reciprocate.
Start breakfast earlier than when the kids get up – just the two of you. Share a moment together praying if you’d like, talking about goals, connecting. On Saturday mornings, or days you don’t have work/obligations, throw a little champagne in ‘mommy and daddy’s orange juice’ and toast to love and to life.
Leave “I love you’s” in little places for your spouse to find and read – pockets, shoes, motorcycle helmet, etc. Let him know that you think of him romantically, and often. Keep the spark alive so that when you have a moment to build a fire, you won’t have to go hunting for kindling.
Come up with a secret code for sneaking away for a private kiss… or more. “Did you remember to take that package to the post office?” Something innocuous that you could answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to that no one else would pick up on.
And…. when you can’t seem to shed the kids for a moment together…. include your kids. Make it a point to do something together as a family, out of the house, and go all out with having fun. If you go to the park, bring a whole picnic set including special food for mom and dad vs. PBJ.
Go to a playground or indoor bouncy park and sit on the bench as a couple while your kids get their wiggles out. Sip a coffee together.
Leaving for USA soon, then Jamaica, then USA, then back to Japan :D
Oh I so relate…
Much love,
Sarah
(Twitter @mrsalbrecht )
Oh these are all so, so good. What’s even better is knowing that someone else can relate! Thanks so very much. And good luck on all those travels – ouch!
haha. I love that – so you won’t have to go hunting for kindling.
Actually, that’s seems to be the only time we *do* get time together. Consequently, it’s also why we are expecting our 5th (or 6th, incl the sd) child. :D
It’s all about stolen moments, isn’t it?
You have such a beautiful way with words. I am not a parent so I have no answers for you but you have conveyed your questions so beautifully today. Thank you for sharing your heart.
What a question for the ages? And a beautiful post. Sometimes I try to remember what it was like… that electric feeling. And sometimes we have a moment alone together and I get to feel it again and I am reminded of the excitement of love when it was new.
Those stolen moments are magical, aren’t they? I always feel like I’ve rediscovered the end of the rainbow or something when we get to enjoy being together without worrying about the needs of other little people along the way.
Even trips, alone, to the grocery store can be great rekindling catch ups! We take what we can get on a daily basis, but always schedule in date nights and nights away! We find we don’t have to go very far…even a local b & b just for a change of scenery and uninterrupted time together, keeps the fire kindled!!
Beautifully written post!
Kristin
It’s totally weird how romantic we find Target! But, oh, those kitchen pots and pans aisles….
Yeah. Me too.
sigh.
So I responded with… http://allmymonkeys.blogspot.com/2010/07/little-serious.html
Man, you have a great way of painting a picture. Outside of Desi-den covered kids, cleaning up poop, and bath time routine…. that’s a day right there. How do you balance out you time and their time?
I will “unlurk” for a moment and attempt to offer a bit of encouragement Lisa-Jo. I love all the suggestions you’ve gotten, and I know they will help.
I’m in my sixth decade of life – a Grandmother! I can hardly believe it sometimes. I look at my grown children and wonder when that happened! The years go by so swiftly. Before you know it there will just the two of you and lots of time. Nurture your love in these hectic years in all those ways and more that you will think of yourself, and you will find this lovely season of life to be very sweet indeed.
Oh thank you for stepping out of the shadows to share, Linda. It’s always so good to be reminded that these moments pass much faster than they feel like at the time. And that they are beautiful – even in the chaos.
YES. I can relate, and I love the way your wrote this post (beautifully, that is). I remember when we got married, we looked in disdain at those whose marriages fell apart or ended in divorce . . . and 11 years and 3 kids later, we understand much more how that can so easily, easily happen. It’s sooooo hard to maintain romance with your spouse, instead of just ended up like roommates. My husband said once, “No one’s going to hand us a good marriage. We’re going to have to fight for it.” Amen, babe. And the fight is nitty-gritty and costly (time, money, effort) . . . but worth it, right?
Thanks for the reminder of the importance of US.
Yes, I have always thought that marriage is not for the feint of heart. Throw a few kids into the mix and suddenly the courage required is that much more important. I love what your husband says – we’ve gotta fight for it. And man is that ever the most rewarding battle there is!
This may sound strange but this post had brought me comfort. I am missing my husband yet he hasn’t gone anywhere. I miss the stolen moments, gentle kisses, lingering hugs. We get caught up in being mom and dad we have forgot Sara and Alan. This is something I need to work on. Yet it is comforting to know I’m nor alone with these worries xxx
Sunday a friend of ours unexpectedly decided to keep all four of our boys for us so we could go grab a lunch together. This was bliss! Just now, as I was looking at your blog, he called just to say “I had a lot of fun this weekend with you”. Just a few moments all alone together, it’s great. A bit of time to not be “moma and daddy” but just us, the couple. It makes the time with the kids seem to go smoother to, wouldn’t you agree?
Lisa-Jo, I thought about your post for two days now. I have to believe that this is just a season of our lives. I get frustrated often because money is tight, so getting a babysitter or even relatives sometimes is out of the question. We have no where we can afford to go! Couch dates sound nice, too, except we pass out from exhaustion at the end of a long week and miss the movie! Oh how I can empathize with you!
What I’m trying to do now is fall more in love with my husband for the wonderful father and provider he is. Yes, we need to nurture the romance, but I can’t allow frustration to shadow all the wonderful things he does. The children will grow up, and we’ll miss some of their crazy antics. So my goal is to find the beauty in this rather unromantic stage of our lives!
Beautiful post!
It is so wonderful to hear these feelings I’m experiencing as a new mom are shared by others. It is great to read all of the comments and hear everyone’s ideas and cameraderie. Yes, our marriages are worth fighting for. We had the blessing of being able to leave our little guy with some friends we were visiting on vacation this last week and just grab sandwiches from subway and sit outside enjoying nature and eating and talking then going to the grocery store for a candy bar and mini ice cream snack and taking a drive. The teenage boy of the family who baby-sat even said “this is more fun than PS3”! How precious is that!? Kelly