There have been days lately when I’ve felt like a crazy person at the center of a three ring circus of my own making. What I can’t figure out is if I am called to be at the center of the big top right now or if I stumbled in by accident. Either way I find myself juggling what seem to be purple poodles leaping through flaming hoops while dangling 30 ft up, suspended by only a thread, which a small but persistent caterpillar is nibbling through. I look down and see row after row of blurred faces cheering me on. Clapping and laughing they tilt heads way, way back and wave hands at me, smiling and certain that I won’t fall.
To the left and the right clowns are being shot from cannons and cotton candy sellers promise that everything will turn out sweet. Ponies prance and dance in endless circles and the music blares a marching anthem over it all. Left, right, left, right deadlines bear down to the beat of their own drummer.
I swing and spin and catch and release flying dogs and elusive peace – I am ring master and servant and my dry mouth feels the sweetness dissolves into vapor.
So I close my eyes. I close my eyes and let go and know I will fall a long way down amid a shower of poodles, hoops, and failure to prove myself worthy of all this trust and pomp and circumstance.
I let go and I don’t fall. I let go and I am held.
Strong, calloused hands of a Carpenter have been wrapped safety net tight around me. I lean my head way back and let Him support my weary head. I curl up into the tiny child I feel like on the inside and wriggle into the crook between His fingers.
It is such a relief to remember how big He is. It gives me permission to embrace my smallness. We are a perfect fit.
God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. – 1 Corinthians 1:27.
Me and the purple poodles.
It IS a relief to feel small sometimes! I have to close my eyes to find that feeling, but when I do it’s like tapping into a reservoir of peace. :)
You can’t juggle it all on your own, He doesn’t expect you to. It WILL be sweet, it WILL all simmer down soon, you WILL find the rhythm. In the meantime? Faith and trust and surrender will sail you through. Keeping perspective. Seeing time a bit more the way God does – not as a finite thing but as a long strand – a chord that runs through eternity. Where you are at on the chord right now seems difficult or overwhelming at times, but it’s just that tiny spot on the chord. Seeing the whole chord helps the now, helps us focus.
Praying for you in all these new adventures, I know adjusting takes time, and I know you’re doing it so well. xoxo
I love you. Seriously. Like a lot. Like more than cotton candy, nerds, or taffy apples. You are my sweets right now. Thank you, Ari.
After Peeps cotton candy is my favorite in the sweets department.
Thanks for being honest.
Ever see the episode on Johnny Carson where the guy is spinning plates? (I’m dating myself here)…yeah, that’s me. Although I like the purple poodle analogy better!
It helps me to remember the following:
When I read over the accounts of Mary and Martha, Jesus told Martha that Mary had chosen “better”…so often my choices are not between good and bad, but good and better. I ask for wisdom to know the difference- especially as a working mom, where my time is tight.
Secondly, even Jesus needed time alone from the crowds to pray and talk with God. I believe he understands what it means to be “pressed on every side” ;)
You will do great with your new undertaking!! I am excited to see what God has in store, through you. Take a deep breath, and tonight- take 15 minutes to just stop and play, really play with those sweet boys of yours. It will help you feel refreshed and focused and ready to hit it again.
Boy howdy…you just described the way this Mama feels, and probably 99% of others!
Praying that you-as Ari said-find your rhythm and feel more balanced soon as God carries you in the palm of His hand!
That’s beautiful!
You are doing a great job :) I am so blessed by your posts!! I had written a comment a few months ago mentioning that I am marrying a South African (married now!!) but I couldn’t figure out how to reply to your comment haha. Thank you for your beautiful, beautiful work!!
Just came across this entry.
Thank you. I needed that reminder.
*Hugs* all the way from one of the distant lands you’ve blessed ;)