I stand over a sink of dirty dishes washing pasta sauce off the blue and white plates we’ve had since we got married. I scrape at left over noodles and rinse hot water and soap bubbles over my hands, cups, and this difficult day. Before we owned these plates, before we even registered for them, my friend Tram had looked into my eyes over the head of her two baby boys and told me the one piece of advice I can’t seem to live up to.
“If you struggle with your temper, that’s something you have to figure out before you have kids.”
I peel potatoes and slice them; drop them into sizzling oil. Ready-prepared ribs are basted and roasting in the oven and the methodical rhythm of chopping lettuce, cucumber, tomato, and avocado for salad like I’ve seen my dad do a hundred times seeps into my frantic head and soothes me from the fingertips back. All I’d wanted Pete to do when he got home was take the kids to the park, the circus, a galaxy far-far-away. And he did. After his own long day, he took them.
I rinse, I peel, I chop, I taste.
All I hear is the whoosh and hum of the dishwasher and the spin of the ceiling fan and I could happily drown in all this solitude. I serve myself and eat slowly. The meal is still hot and the salad unwilted.
I sit at the table alone and eat and let my mind unravel the day and try to put it back together in a way that makes sense. What’s a mom to do with all this frustration?
I look at it – how it has crusted over this day – hard and set in its ways. And I sit back in this uncomfortable dining room chair and just tell the only person left in the room how much I wish it wasn’t. How much I wish I didn’t keep letting my frustration take my tongue on wild rides that trample the feelings of my kids in petty satisfaction. I wish all my good intentions of 8am could last me at least till lunch.
I sit there in all my crud from the day. And nothing dramatic happens. I eat and feel full. I drink two glassfuls of fruit punch and no one knocks anything over. I put down the tall glass emblazoned with the Detroit Red Wings hockey team from the year they won something big and I know that Tram’s advice gets more important each and every day. As my kids grow up and into themselves, what I tell them now will become a part of who they turn out to be.
The sun is setting across the road and I see it glaring through the windows.
Tiredness, busy-ness, deadlines, a need for alone time – none of these will hold up to the scrutiny of a grown up child who peers back through time to discover the source of his wounded heart.
I hear them outside. The screen door slams and Micah barrels into the house demanding water and food and why won’t Jackson share the soccer ball with him? I am readier than I was an hour ago to respond. As I dish up for him I know someone else is hard at work too.
Scraping, rinsing, washing my crud away.
Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee;
……..
Foul, I to the fountain fly;
Wash me, Savior, or I die.Augustus M. Toplady, 1776.
It’s my only hope. The lifeline of rundown moms everywhere.
And I will hold onto it with my very teeth if I have to.
Lisa-Jo, your friend gave great advice, except I didn’t know that I had a temper until I had kids. I understand your battle all too well. I keep reminding myself that tomorrow is a new day, a gift from God, and all we can do is try again with His help. We are a work in progress, and we have to allow God time to work in us. Hang in there! When I’m praying for myself, I’ll say a prayer for you, too!
Sometimes that’s all we’ve got left free with which to hang on — our teeth. Hands and feet and mind and everything are just so very busy.
I feel like busyness is what sucks my patience — I have so much to do. Dishes, laundry, business, play, change diapers, make meals, clean up messes… And then there’s so much that I want to do … Bible reading, writing, reading, connecting with others. And when I’m trying to do ALL of these things, it piles in my mind, frustrates me, and I often end up taking out those frustrations on my kids when they act like, you know, kids.
It’s hard to walk by the Spirit, parent by the Spirit when my head is so much in this world trying to do stuff.
Thank you for sharing this.
Yes, exactly! Me too.
Ditto.
I am right. there. with. you Hyacynth.
As you allow the Lord to do the work you so desire in your heart, please remember Lisa-Jo – there is grace. I have talked to my grown children, asking forgiveness for so many things I wish I could call back….and somehow they don’t remember. It is not to say we can just do and say anything we want and count on grace to make it all right, but when we are desperately seeking to be all that He wants us to be, there is grace in the process.
Yes…”Rock of Ages, cleft for me. Let me hide myself in Thee.” Indeed, what a lifeline these words are! I need to post these words in my house so I can breathe them in before my tongue takes that “wild ride.”
Let me tell you that while I don’t (yet!) know you IRL, I think I know you well enough to say you probably speak far more beautiful truths to your babies than ugly frustrations. And when those uglies jump out, I know you ask for their forgiveness and His.
And I’m with Jennifer…I didn’t know I had a temper ’til I had kids!
It will be precious to meet you next month, Kristen!
Grace, lisa jo…grace…it was what came to my mind while I was reading your post and even before I read the comments, let me echo Linda above. And oftentimes it is that grace that we find so easy to extend to others, yet so hard to allow ourselves..
I know, because I have found myself asking my children for forgiveness for short words and temper (caused by my late nights of my own doing) way too much this week.
Allow yourself that grace. I believe that after the last few weeks of travel and experiences you might deserve some?
Bless you! That just felt like the verbal hug I really needed!
Really needed this today. Grace is something I feel like I need a lot of lately. The thing about it is that it is completely undeserved and our pride keeps us from accepting it. I wonder so many times if I’ve ruined my children… I love them so much but fail to show it so many times throughout the day. I wonder what kind of scars I’m leaving, I question my very ability to be a mom, and I wonder why God “let me” be a mom. But then I have to remember… These are lies. God has created me for this, and as bad at it as I am, He is using my weakness to show my children HIS strength. What an amazing God we serve!
“He is using my weakness to show my children HIS strength.” – That thought will be running around my head for a while this morning. Thank you.
This made me want to cry, because I saw myself standing there. My temper has scared me in the last year or so. Not that I would physically hurt my children, but that I am capable of such rage. It seems to explode out of me at times and it scares us all how loudly momma can yell. God has been gentle with me, in a way I have not always been with my small ones. He is slowly turning me, retraining me and loving me into a more peaceful, patient and quiet mother. I love your honesty here, and am grateful to know I’m not alone in this battle.
Oh me too. You have no idea. I nod yes to everything you’ve said.
We’ll be friends Jen, especially since we have children with the same names! You can talk to me when I’m wide awake at 4 AM. Maybe I’ll come to Australia to visit you. :) And we’ll laugh about how we need to get our tempers under control.
There is something sacred in the honest sharing between mothers. We navigate a rough and unchartered territory and if we can’t learn from one another’s failings and victories, we are so very, very alone. And so very much more vulnerable. Thank you for sharing your hearts here. It is a treasure to me!
Love your take on this, I have two boys…it’s hard! Love your site here!
OK – “Noble Pig” has got to be one of the greatest monikers I have stumbled across so far in this big wide web. And it’s exactly how I feel some days – this crazed mother pig wallowing in her frustrations who is destined to be a noble daughter of the King. Thank you for giving me a big smile – without even realizing it! :)
Can we be freinds? We have so much in common.
{Big grin!}
I’m glad you can overlook my shocking dyslexic fingers.
Contemplating my own blog post about this very same thing this morning!
Everyday I ask God to no let me “hurt anyone with my words” and my boys are always in the front of my mind as I pray this. I fail every single day. ( I think I’ve got one blog post titled success when I realized it had been a whole day with out any mama-barking! it was about 2 years ago…)
I explained to my spiritual advisor how I seem to be a practical atheist by bedtime, if not earlier. She reminded me that Jesus is in those moments too. He is redeeming them by challenging me to do.something.different and leave a different legacy with His help.
It’s working, but as usual change is SSSOOOO SLOOOOWWW….
IMHO, we are much less kindred strangers and much more Kindred Spirits.
{Hugs}
Oh man – “an atheist by bedtime” – you nailed it! I think if Paul had been a woman and a mother he would have especially understood the significance of his words, “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.” Rom 7:15
Wow, right to the heart…. You know, yesterday my 8 year old was sick and she said something that also went right to my heart. “You’re a lot nicer when I’m feeling sick, Mom!” ::daggers:: Really? Am I not nice when they’re feeling healthy? I definitely need to pray about this. I don’t want my kids to think, years down the road, that I had more compassion for our Compassion kids than I did for them.
Oooo – you nailed me with that one. Truth is hard to swallow sometimes.
This is one of my most favorites of yours, by a long shot. It captures the exhausting, failing side of motherhood and yet redeems us at the same time. Thank you.
had to leaves another comment, since your window was still open. After my last comment I went to sacredspace.ie for today’s prayer. (even though I’m not Catholic, this site is a wonderful Jesus-relationship building tool!) I don’t think this part of the prayer was an accident today – and had to share it with you…
“I bring my life before God. I allow my desires, regrets and hopes to be reviewed in the presence of the God who loves me. I let go of all the expectations I have of myself and listen to where God is calling me – to rest and to growth….I ask for the courage I may need to refrain from speaking as I remind myself I do not always have to have the final say. ”
Hope this blesses you as well….
“The courage I need to refrain from speaking” – Amen and amen!
Thank you. Your honesty ministers to me so much! Just to know that I am not the only one who struggles with controlling my tongue. This is my daily struggle and I am often in tears by my angry, resentful, sarcastic tongue. But, I have also seen God give me grace when I ask and I have experienced the beauty of unconditional forgiveness from my children. God’s goodness and grace is right there in the midst of the messy and reminding me that without Him I can do no good thing.
Isn’t it such a relief that our mess is familiar to Him? And that nothing about us surprises Him?
This blog post about your day…I wanted a do-over for the whole week. Well, Monday through Thursday. Each day something happened that I wished I could have erased. It was that time of month, though that’s not a very good excuse, and my temper got the best of me several times. I don’t know why it is so easy to fly off the handle, and so hard to take those moments back. Anyway, I as I wrote in a status on my facebook yesterday, I am “humbled and undeserving of the FACT that God loves me unconditionally, all the time, in spite of myself.” Thank you for being real for us. That is a huge encouragement to me.
Thank you for taking me as I am. I am so very very grateful every day that my family does too. And that my God is working on knocking off the rough edges and refining me into the me He wants me to be.
You wrote exactly how I feel and what I have been going through this week. Exactly.
I came across a prayer once from a book that has now become my daily mantra. I’ll share it with you…. “Lord… Help me to RESPOND to this child (children) in a way that is PLEASING unto you.” Not only does it calm me but it allows me to have clarity of thought. Try it…
Every single word you spoke today I understand more than you could ever know. I still haven’t figured it all out. How to deal with all the frustrations of life. Working a full time job, starting a business so I don’t have to work full time, facing the disappointments of dreams unmet, living from one day to the next wondering if this is what God intended for my life. My life is so busy, too busy. And in that frustration, the harsh words fly off my tongue, without thinking. And the guilt of knowing that the words I say can’t be taken back. And I wonder how my oldest daughter will grow up and view our relationship. I shared this in small group this week. A woman I barely know came up to me and said I feel compelled to tell you 2 things. You must forgive yourself. And then pray over your child to forgive and no longer remember these things.
I went home and starting reading our church magazine and there was this verse.
Hebrews 10:17 Then he adds:
“Their sins and lawless acts
I will remember no more.”[b] 18And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin.
Thank you so much for sharing from your heart and being so real.
We are not perfect and bad days, bad weeks, and (heaven forbid!) bad months (oh, and the enemy who loves to revel in it all) can do a number on us. Your honesty and openness is like a healing ointment for each of us who also struggle…thank you!
I’ve said this before – you have the hardest job in the world – as a mom.
And You.Are.Doing.It.MAGNIFICENTLY my friend…
With each child I have finally been pushed to the point of realizing that I had anger issues in my life that I needed to get to the bottom of. I was convinced that I was fine, that I had moved beyond incidents in my past, that I loved my children way to much to treat them the way I had been treated by others. And that denial kept surging up and exploding at my children. Since I have acknowledged that I am angry, and figured out what I am actually angry about, I don’t have to take it out on my kids anymore. I can work on my anger as a seperate issue. Not to say I still don’t have those bad days once in a while, but the difference has been noticable to everyone in my family.
Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your struggles. You are not alone! This is something that I too have struggled with through the years. I think every mom struggles with this at one time or another; being a mom is HARD. It is MORE than a full time job! What a blessing for you to have a husband who is willing to take the kids even when he is tired too, treasure him! It may feel like you are going to be stuck in this hard place forever, at least that is how I felt at times, but it truely is just for a season. My kids are now 15 & 12 and though we still have our days, they have gotten fewer over the years. Time passes so quickly! There are days I would give almost ANYYTHING just to go back and hold them as babies again, or play with them on the floor as toddlers. Try your best to cherrish every day; even the hard ones. Ask for forgiveness when you need to. Be honest with your little ones, let them know that mommy is having a hard day. They really do understand more than we give them creddit for and it teaches them to ask for forgiveness as well. It will get easier!
I love this. I had a few days like these this week that sent me into my daughter’s room after she was asleep to just cry and pray and sit in quiet. Thank you for this beautiful, refreshing honesty.
And this post also made me really hungry. (Potatoes? Ribs? Salad with avocado!?) Can I just come eat dinner with y’all? :)
Oh, Lisa-Jo, my heart’s cry is in your words. I struggle with anger and self control and at times, I feel I am getting victory and then wham I go back to my old ways. A friend reminded me yesterday of grace- to live in it, to forgive myself and start again. It was a blessed reminder. But, as you so eloquently wrote: “Tiredness, busy-ness, deadlines, a need for alone time – none of these will hold up to the scrutiny of a grown up child who peers back through time to discover the source of his wounded heart.” I’m hanging on with you sister, to Hope!
I linked to this post on my blog today. Too good not to share!!!
I have the hardest time with that advice sometimes too! It so comforting to know that I am not the only one hanging on by my teeth! Thanks for telling it like it really is some days!
I get this.
:)
And I love you….
Grace and more grace, friend.
It is a comfort to me, in those moments when I am standing over the sink, that the sickness over my own behavior, the desperate longing for a do-over is a heart God can mold.
We are more humble when we are wallowing in the mud.
motherhood is a mirror, isn’t it? i thought it was hard in my family of origin, but all that quick-to-become-angry/easily frustrated/defensiveness carries over to my home today, and that’s not the wife/mom/woman i desire to be (and model.)
thank God his mercies are new every morning. today and tomorrow, too:)
nothing in my hand i bring/simply to the cross i cling
loved your post and your honesty……great blog
It has been said already in this lovely place… I didn’t know I had temper issues until I had kids. Food, drink, music and memories are some of my favorite soothers as well.
what a well written piece – so brutally honest and from the heart!
Thank you for your honesty – So many moms can identify and know that we all face the same challenges – To be better moms and human beings on so many different levels.
God has given you a gift of writting- so thank you for sharing it with me
Happy Saturday
Betty Bake
sigh. Sometimes, I just try to ignore it. I think, when I am finally able to regain some composure, sanity, calm, that if I just forget it happened, maybe it never did. Yeah, doesn’t work. I hate this clash of who’s responsible. Is it just me? Do I need to instill the ever-elusive Self Control? Or will some mighty angel swoop down and save me, my children, from myself? Neither I think. And while I don’t like admiting to myself of the damage I’m doing, I’m still aware that I’m doing it, shamefully. Sigh some more. So I cling to the verse in Lamentations (perfectly lamentful), His mercies are new EVERY MORNING. And so I have hope. Hope that tomorrow I will be better.
Thank you for this post. I’ve struggled with a short fuse for so long and I keep trying to lay it down on the altar, only to find it resurface time and again. I’m so glad that I’m not alone and I’m encouraged by the words of a hymn I learned while very small; and the only I know how to play on the piano…Rock of Ages…what a precious reminder. You write so beautifully. God has given you a gift!
“How much I wish I didn’t keep letting my frustration take my tongue on wild rides that trample the feelings of my kids in petty satisfaction. I wish all my good intentions of 8am could last me at least till lunch.”
“As my kids grow up and into themselves, what I tell them now will become a part of who they turn out to be.”
It feels like this is me more and more everyday. I read Rom. 7:15 and beg for victory over it. I don’t want my kids looking back and only remembering a screaming maniac for a mom.
All I can say is thank you. I’m a lurker who always appreciates what you say, yet tonight, I had to unlurk and say thank you. Thank you for your honesty, and for sharing as you struggle. It’s a lonely place being drained from a looooooong day of caring for our little boys (mine are 2 3/4 and 10 mos), and still finding the reserves to continue loving them. Some days it is easy, and such a joy. Other days are so hard. You are so right, “Let me hide myself in Thee… Wash me, or I die”. And I am so, so, so thankful we are NOT alone, and our God is ALWAYS with us, and that there are fellow mamas who encourage us when it’s really hard.
Yes, yes – I have always thought it was particularly significant that Jesus sent the disciples out in pairs. We need each other. We need each others’ stories, and failings and determination to keep on going even (or most especially) on our crud-covered days!
I wish I didn’t relate, but, as my children can attest, my temper is my worst weakness. We have a lot of fun around here, but my tongue can be not at all nice when I’m ticked.
I’m constantly reminded of just how lost and fallen I am as I try and try again to master this part of me. Truly I am nothing without God. But with him, good things happen. When I focus my life on him in concrete ways, study the word daily, keep a prayer in my heart as I go through the day, and actively serve others, I find that I interact with my little ones in ways that lift and bless, and I know that it’s a miracle sent from God.
I KNOW this, and yet, I sometimes still fail to do it and the witch mom rears her ugly head! Just yesterday I rededicated myself. Your post was timely and helpful!
oh how good it is to know, to feel through your very words showing on my screen that the way I feel at times (seemingly often) as I navigate this thing called motherhood is not unusual, that I am not alone. Thank you. Kelly