At 36 weeks pregnant I finally signed up for the obligatory maternity tour. While this is our third child, this is also our third hospital, state, country – so we wanted to get a feel for the digs, you know? One kid was in preschool and one was with a friend, so basically this is the closest Pete and I have come to a hot, hot date in a long time. That is, if your idea of a hot date includes an overpowering smell of sanitizer and a pair of jeans big enough to house an entire family of raccoons.
So there we are, hanging out at reception with all the other belly-licious mommies and there hubbies, except that there’s one father-to-be flying solo. The dear old nurse leading the “deluxe maternity tour” (which in itself is funny when one considers how utterly basic and primal child birth is) approaches him and asks if his wife will be joining us. To which he responds, “Yes, she’s just looking for a parking space.”
Booyah! And this date is off to a great start.
Cue light conversation about measuring the thinning of the cervix, ice chips, the size pants you want to be sure to pack even after having delivered the baby, and how little sleep you can anticipate in the months to follow and you could have cut the romance with a knife.
It was at that point – after an hour and a half of touring together – that our guide looked over at my husband on the elevator ride down and said, “I recognize that Detroit Tigers cap – haven’t you been on one of my maternity tours?”
Ummmm, insert awkward silence.
“Yes, I’m sure I recognize you, weren’t you on a tour yesterday?”
Pete just smiles, looks down at his feet, shakes his head and mutters no, no, it wasn’t yesterday. To which the other Michigander in the elevator, the guy who took his wife to the wrong hospital before they finally made it to the tour 45 minutes late responds, “maybe that’s when he was here with his other pregnant woman.”
Priceless.
To comfort myself, we bought a large helping of chocolate pudding at the hospital cafeteria on the way out. I had to take my teeth out to eat it. It’s probably helpful to explain at this point that I’ve had horrid dental work done throughout this pregnancy. And currently I am missing a front tooth, have a half completed implant and a dental plate with a fake tooth that looks nothing like a real one. None of which I can eat properly while wearing.
So there I am, toothless, with a chocolate pudding grin and my false tooth sitting in my lap as we pull out of the parking lot. “Can you believe those people?” I ask Peter as we pull onto the freeway.
He looks over at me. “No,” he says slowly. “I can’t.” And then he may have muttered something about how on earth he got me pregnant in the first place.
Ahhh married people dates, there’s nothing like ‘em.
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Oh my goodness….you.are.the.best!
Priceless. At least you’ll never forget that tour. Thanks for the laugh. :)
That was HYSTERICAL. I was laughing and enjoying every sentence. Your humor has not left … take care and enjoy your funny moments that is what keeps a marriage glowing.
Don’t you know you’re supposed to warn a lady who’s had four kids before making her laugh that hard?! Now I’ve got a pee spot to clean up. Thanks.
Heh! I’ve laughed so much over the husband whose 38 week pregnant wife was parking the car that I’ve induced braxton hicks a few times!!
Ok for real..I am sitting here at 2am on the couch by myself…laughing hysterically. I don’t think I have had that good of a belly laugh in a long time. I had to read it twice just to make sure that I was in fact understanding the scene correctly. Was that for real or what? Thanks for sharing, I needed a good laugh this week.
For real. I pinky swear. Every single moment. :)
Ok. I’m still laughing about this from lunch yesterday! And when I told Dear Husband about the guy waiting for his wife to park the car, he (immediately) said, “Well. Of Course. They drove separately.” That wasn’t nearly as much fun as the version in my head. So practical. {I just thought I would throw that out there in defense of the poor guy.}
FYI, Dear Husband DID think that the chocolate pudding and tooth-on-the-lap part was pretty darn funny! What a great party trick you have now! See you Sunday!
Men and their doggone practicality!
Bwahahahaha – that was excellent! I’m not sure my husband would have managed to not laugh out loud had it been him in the Detroit Tigers cap…..
At least for once, someone wasn’t laughing *at* the Tigers :)
Thank you. I’m not pregnant, but I can so relate to many of your romantic-date-issues. Thanks for the laugh this morning!
I love it! Most of our romantic dates include a trip to Wal-Mart unless we are really high-classing it and we go to Target.
What a great story! I think our poor husbands walk on eggshells when we are pregnant, don’t they?? My husband was fond of quoting the “Madagascar 2” movie, “Girl, you’re huge….” when I was expecting our 4th, and even though I was kinda mad, I had to laugh as well!
So excited for you and to meet sweet Gypsy Baby!
Oh my word, now I’m gonna have Moto-Moto playing in my head every time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror :)
I just love it…all of it…
because I am going to get a front cap replaced soon {though I’m not pregnant}…
and I’ve had two states with two babies and the third will most likely be in another country…
and of course the you-and-pete~ness that always makes me smile:)
My teeth hate me. True story.
That has got to be one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. The pudding/tooth scene was hysterical but the last line was the best! Well one things for sure, it may not have been a romantic date but you’ll never forget it! Thanks for sharing a good laugh with us at your expense! ;) Made my day!
We’ll never forget it either. And aren’t those the memories that great marriages are made of anyway :)
Too funny! We’re not pregnant, but I can so relate to the unromantic hot dates! Life…all the stuff of life that sucks the romantic right out :)
to funny gypsy mama!
After that, there’s really nothing left to say. . .
:) Ya’ll are adorable!
This is priceless. Especially love the mental image of you toothless eating chocolate pudding. I laughed out loud, which means you get 50 points. Spend them wisely. Maybe on a new cap for your husband.
I would happily and shamelessly spend them on more chocolate pudding :)
Thank you for letting my start my day with a “booyah.” It sets a nice tone for the rest of the day. :)
And seriously? You must be some kind of saint to go through pregnancy and horrible, seemingly unending dental work at the same time. You may be the first person ever to be canonized while living.
Every single pregnancy, without fail, my teeth decide to gang up on me and I think we end up spending more on them than the labor and delivery. Oy vey!
(and every day should start with a booyah, don’t you think?)
Definitely! I’ve been saying it so often lately I’m wondering if I should have chosen it as my One Word for 2011! It’s such a perfect word for so many situations. :)
Ha! That was the best maternity date ever. Just thinking about that guy, “Maybe he was here with another woman!” You left out the part about his horrified wife’s reply, “Of course, it would be my husband who says that.” I laugh out loud every time I think about it.
You know how to show a woman a good time, hon. A real good time :)
lol!!! Married people dates are so weird, aren’t they??? We’re going to CA for three days without the kids at the end of this month – I wonder if we’ll still be speaking by the end of it? Interference can be a good thing sometimes…
No way, sounds like heaven to me! Savor every moment alone. Especially the ones where you get to enjoy the bathroom solo!
LOL! I can totally picture 9-month-bellied, toothless Lisa-Jo (with false tooth in lap no less) asking “Can you believe those people?” You are too funny!
The irony of the moment was reinforced when I (shhhh) dropped my tooth on the floor of the car and then couldn’t bend over to get it since my belly is so massive. Yes, I am a glamor girl to the bone, baby!
You are hysterical! And the ending was a priceless image. You guys had a lot more fun on your tour than we did on ours. :)
I haven’t laughed so hard THROUGHOUT a post in a long, long time!
This is a RIOT. Are you kidding me?! Thank you for sharing. Thank you also for your kind words over on my blog today. You encouraged me so much! I pray you are blessed today.
Thanks Kari – blessed to be loved by a husband with an excellent sense of humor :)
no teeth and gold teeth – raccoon pants and pudding stained smiles … HAWTTY !!!
Ah Stef, you know me so well – trust you to remember the gold tooth incident as well. Ahhh, I am high class baby, HIGH class!
Starting with “family of raccoons”, I laughed the whole way through! What a funny story! Thank you for making making me laugh out loud. I don’t do that nearly often enough.
I am SO laughing OUT LOUD!!!!!
Ok, whew…I needed that…
Kevin and I had a ‘hot date’ yesterday too. Trudged out of Denver Children’s Hospital, hand-in-hand, while my mom watched over Caleb – then took an inner-city jog to the post office. woohoo. Sunny day, mountains in the distance, sweat-glistening skin…almost sounds like a vacation, eh??? ‘Course we spent the time talking about ventricles & shunt tubing & whether his IV was going bad. Umhmm. Seriously romantic.
We did get a private room later, to shower & dress & try to feel moderately human. The shower was small, but it did fit two. Just sayin’.
Has been SUCH a hard few days – but Caleb is doing incredibly better, and we are hopeful, trusting, praising, expectant!
Thanks for the much-needed giggles,
Teri @ StumblingAroundInTheLight
It always amazes me how long time marriage and love can still manage to find laughter in the midst of all kinds of circumstances. What a blessing being married to one’s best friend is!
So funny!!! My husband couldn’t have kept his mouth shut!
With our first we went to the whole day long pre-baby/maternity class. At one point we divided up into teams with husbands on one side and wives on the other. About halfway through the game, the nurse asked of my husband, “Who does he belong to?” Haha! To which she replied, “Bless you!” Haha.. I love him.
That was awesome! What a story :) Laughed out loud and everyone else just looked at me… Thanks for sharing!
This post is so very, very priceless.
This is absolutely priceless! Oh, Lisa-Jo… I have to believe that someday it gets better!
Lisa-Jo, I really enjoyed this description- I’m afraid I laughed about the teeth, but only because I’ve been in the same position- when I had my last baby I had to remove my front tooth- denture before they could anaesthetise me for an emergency Caesarean! It was a low moment, no self-respect left. The denture was in for 7 years, despite being temporary, and now I have a double fixed brace to sort my teeth out to replace the gap, with possibly an implant at the end of the orthodontics. I am about to have the next baby- just like you, 37 weeks now- and look like a gappy, bracy teenager- I am 41!!!LOL!! It is bad enough all the indignity that goes with childbirth without the teethy bit. I shall be thinking of you- best of luck and enjoy your lovely new baby very soon!
I’ve been warned I’ll have to take mine out as well for the C-section I’m scheduled for. So I figure this was good practice at losing one’s dignity for a good cause :)
Oh my goodness Lisa-Jo… this is too funny! I can just imagine. lol I can not believe that poor woman out there looking for a parking spot while her husband is sitting and waiting for the tour to start! Thanks for the great laugh!
I know right? I mean, REALLY!!
Lisa-Jo, I somehow missed reading this post in the craziness of the week. And after the craziness of this week and weekend, I’m glad I didn’t read it until now! Thank you for a much needed laugh! (And I’m sure you still looked adorable toothless with your pregnant belly) :)
Who thinks of packing their jeans with raccoons? :D
Good laughs to start my day. Love you, girl.
So sad I just now read this! Totally made my week. Fair play to your man – I think mine would’ve reacted the exact same way. :)