Dear mom,
I turned 38 yesterday.
It rained.
We had planned for family photos in the afternoon and instead we were soaked with the inevitable – families make plans and the heavens map their own course regardless. I had blow dried my hair for half an hour and in 8 minutes flat it was all rag-tag like my thirteen-year-old self.
I’ve missed you.
Lately I’ve missed you more. I’ve cracked open a door to remembering what life looked like with you in it and all kinds of strong feelings have blown in along with the memories.
I parent deliberately these days. Less fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants more thought. You would love my sons. Jackson wears your name and your love for story so close to his skin I’m amazed to watch how DNA can move through the generations. He eats movies and imaginary characters loom so large in his mind I know we will have to guard what he consumes.
Today he was looking for something to eat and informed me all he wanted was some junk food. It would make you laugh how passionate he is about chocolate.
Micah challenges me. Liesbet tells me he looks like Luke and I see it – all Dutch born genes looming out of his blue eyes and fair skin. He is built for rugby but if he grows up Stateside I’d say football is in his future. Some days the juxtaposition of his temper and bulk with his sensitive spirit can make it hard to navigate his world. He pours so much love into his puppy I know the rightness of agreeing to add a dog to our circle of crazy despite what it costs me in irritation.
I don’t iron.
When I read how you wrote your mom that you’d ironed 4 loads of laundry I laughed out loud since my boys just asked me recently what the iron was when I’d hauled it out for a special occasion.
I want you to meet Zoe, mom. She has unmade me and then put me back together again.
And this time the parts of me that got broken after you died seem to have jigsawed themselves into place. I can see the whole picture and am surprised how beautiful it is. She takes my hand and her chubby fingers fold my soul into her palm.
Zoe is teaching me how you loved me. That you loved me much deeper and longer than I could possibly remember. That you loved me at midnight and for three years in Zululand and during standard six and when my skin broke out and you tried to take me for that facial that just ended up making me feel embarrassed and mad at you.
Everything I can’t remember about you, I see reflected in Zoe’s eyes.
I am terrified by how much I love her.
How did you bear the good-bye?
Twenty years. Twenty years. It hurts to type it.
Twenty years ago I sat in a pew and sang the last words you left for us,
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
One week after I turned eighteen.
I’m 38 today.
And I’m still singing it, mom. I’m singing it still and I still believe every hard, awful word to be true. That we can sing though the heavens crash open and the world comes pouring down around us. We can raise our eyes and our voices to the hills where our help comes from and sing. Even when all that comes out is a whisper.
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
I bought knee-high boots last year – the first pair since the ones I bought when I was 18. I think you’d like them. They’re a burnt umber kind of suede and they make me feel brave.
Like riding bareback in the Karoo.
Like walking the ridge of Table Mountain.
Like traveling overseas.
Like changing my first diaper.
I am growing into brave and I have a daughter. We would light your smile on fire. All the frenetic life in this small house all clamoring to be loved. It makes crying OK. Because you can be sad and you can be well at the same time.
And I am.
Happy birth day to us.
~your Lisa-Jo
::
My friend Lisa Leonard sent me the necklace in the above photos. I cherish the reminder of my story as I wear it around my neck. It’s part of her Heartfelt Collection and I wanted to let you know it’s available at 15% off with the code LLD15 until September 15. And the double gift was when my friend Mallory photographed me with it in the pouring rain yesterday. All plans drenched in God’s own timing. All those memories cupped in my trembling, wet hands. {More to come about how she’s coming to the Northern Virginia area if you’re looking for my favorite photographer of all time}
I am choking back tears…what a beautiful tribute to your mom even as it paves the open door into the future with YOUR own children….
#JustLovely
P.S. Am I seeing you at Allume?
Not choking them back here, friend. This is simply gorgeous. And real. And I’m so grateful for this evidence of healing, of memory, of connection, of how the sadness and loss weave themselves in and around everything and are burnished to a beautiful sheen. Thank you, sweetheart. I think that’s what your mom would say to you, if she could.
I’m debating whether to forward this to my two older grandsons – who lost their dad 4 years ago, when they were 17 and 14. I’m thinking not yet – but maybe in 10 years. How can I save this somewhere?? Perhaps only in my heart…
Lisa-Jo as always you leave me in tears… what a beautiful letter. I write letters to my dad who died almost a year ago. I tell him stories of our lives, of the kids. We are adopting a little girl that he met just before he died. We went to court for custody 2 days after he passed and now just two months before the year anniversary of him leaving we are going for our final hearing. And my heart is breaking wide open that I cannot share that with him. With all the joy and relief in knowing that she is going to be ours, finally, there is so much sadness. And I write him. and I miss him. Thank you for sharing your letter. You always bring me encouragement. Just when I need it most.
Oh Lisa-Jo. These pictures are beautiful. And this letter even more. Happy Birthday!
This is beautiful, Lisa. I’m sure your Mom is so proud of all you have become and accomplished in your life so far.
Such beautiful words and pictures. Happy Birthday Lisa-Jo!
Absolutely beautiful! Happy birthday:)
A very big hug.
You are unique and a beautiful jewel yourself.
Happy birthday.
Cheers
Maddalena
What a beautiful post. I can’t even imagine not having my mother around. This post is a reminder to me to just cherish my time with her.
Have a happy birthday!!
I am crying so hard. This is just one of the best things I have ever read. What beautiful words and such a wonderful tribute to your mom. Happy Birthday Lisa~Jo!
This is so stunningly beautiful! This is such a sweet tribute to your mom. And the photos are beautiful. Your smile is so contagious!
I lost my father at the age of 19…I am 34 now. Beautifully written…Your words echo the deep loss I feel in my own heart. Your words, “How did you bear the goodbye?” make my heart pound a little this morning. Thank you…
There is so much emotion in your writing, it is just beautiful. For me, it was very hard to read & had to do it in snippets so that I wouldn’t be crushed in my heart. But that is just a reading and not the life that must live it.
God bless you this day and thank you for sharing this very deep emotional letter with all of us.
Oh… and Happy Birthday!
Beautiful. Absolutely Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Lisa-Jo, my throat is burning with keeping the tears in. (Morgan is right her with me as I read so I don’t want to burst out in tears and scare her!)
You are such a gifted writer we’re all so lucky that you share this with us. I’m sure you’re mother is smiling.
Did you notice the balloons? Any guesses who I “borrowed” them from :)
Love the balloons. I’m sure Jackson was more than willing to share.
this touches something in me i can’t even really put into words.. i’m sure you get it.
thanks for opening your heart.
and happy birthday dear one.
Beautiful! Makes me cherish the moments with my Mom who is still with me. Thank you, Lisa Jo!
Oh my.
I miss my momma too.
I turned 39 recently.
I have four daughters who break my heart and make my life.
One of them turned five today.
She was born on my mom’s birthday – the first birthday of my mother’s after she passed away.
The bittersweet is so heavy at our house.
It’s raining and it’s beautiful and it’s stormy and it’s calm.
And isn’t it funny?
I forget that it isn’t my story alone – (And I know I have commiserated with you before) but I need to be reminded that there are other motherless women who have birthdays and daughters and tears and rain and hope and grace and that we swallow all the good up with the bad because it’s what we know.
It’s all we have.
Amen. Just amen.
Lost my mom last year so suddenly we didn’t get to say goodbye. Tears in my eyes after reading the truthful outpouring of emotion you’re able to share with your mom and us. I’m not there yet. I avoid writing about my grief at all cost. But reading blogs like yours and others helps me see how beautiful an cathartic a simple letter can be…maybe someday…Thank you.
Oh mylanta, pass the tissues…
She is so proud of you, Lisa-Jo…so very proud.
I’m sharing this with you because it has changed things for me. I had to research that song in college and discovered something. I wrote a post about it awhile back (it’s highlighted on my welcome page). Anyway, most of us know the background the author had to endure and I pray we never have a chance to understand the pain he must have been in. But it’s what makes the poem he originally penned more powerful.
The original lyrics (before they made it flow better for publication) say:
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to KNOW,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
and I’m learning saying and knowing are two very different things…
So grateful you know, Lisa-Jo….so grateful.
I have the words to that hymn on my kitchen wall. SO many times life doesn’t look just like we think it should. Even so….
Mary, momma to many
You teach me so much about loving, LJ. Your words here are beautiful, as always – but they pale in comparison to the beauty of YOU, as always.
You are much too nice to me Mary. But I really like it.
Happy Birthday from this Dutch girl!
Reading your posts make me realise how my mum loves me. You help me understand her and make me want to be one one day. Thank you so much for that!
Wish you a healthy, happy, lovely, funfilled new year!
Nyncke
Oh sweet friend. Sat here reading your letter through tears and am just so thankful for your heart and your words. Happy birthday to you! Blessings!
Oh, that picture of you and Zoe? Thank God it rained maybe? Precious moments. Happy birthday.
Yes, strange, isn’t it. How what makes us frustrated in the moment, we can look on and know God understood all along.
God knew being a mother to a girl would be your healing.
And, the pup–how it’s so important to have one for that boy who loves–I get it.
I’m grateful for your life, Lisa-Jo. And ever so happy to celebrate your birthday!
This letter is everything I have come to love about your writing. :) Real and raw and beauty in its most transparent state… to let the grace show through. Thank you again for sharing a glimpse into your heart.
So sweet and awful and wonderful all at the same time. Thank you so much for letting us in.
Dear Lisa-Jo, I understand and yet I can’t. I feel that is the way people should feel when they have lost their mother early in life. My mom went to be with Jesus in 1986 – she was 51. I am now 53 and she did not see me get married or any of my 5 children that are here on earth, but the baby I believe is in her arms in heaven.
I think I need to write a letter to my mom.
Thanks you for sharing.
♫ Happy Birthday
I can’t say how beautiful that was to read. There just isn’t enough words. You are a true inspiration and I’m so very glad I stumbled upon your page. I check it religiously every week for something new. May God bless you xx
Oh Happy Birthday dear friend- may I call you that? I feel so much familiarity when I read your words some days that it surprises me. I love that you wrote to your mom for your birthday. It seems like our birthday should be the day we celebrate our mother. Although,until you have children of your own it’s hard to know that.
She has unmade me and then put me back together again. I feel this way about my third daughter as well. What an unexpected gift it is. Coming when it did. I didn’t even know to ask for it.
I also love that you see the braveness in the detail of that first diaper change. I wish I could have seen it when it happened.
Happiest of birthdays to you dear Lisa-Jo. I hope your gift to all of us, is a gift to yourself as well.
xoox
Wow, so beautiful. Happy Birthday to you!
My mother passed away in January, and I turn 25 in a month. This post is very close to my heart. <3
What a beautiful letter to your Mom–I feel honored that you chose to share it with all of us.
Happy Birthday, Lisa-Jo!
Yes you can…be sad and well and brave all at the same time. My heart ached while I read this but it was a good ache. I think your mother would be proud – so very proud.
That hit so close to home for me. It’s a good thing I have the Kleenex within arms reach! Thank you so much for sharing this. I, too, lost my mother way too soon and I think of her every day. I, too, have a little girl that breaks my heart and puts it back together again. So, from the very depth of my heart, I appreciate what you’re writing and feeling.
P.S. Happy Happy Birthday to you!
Weeping. Thank you! Bless you!!
This is just so beautiful. I cried reading it. You are so beautiful and so is your heart. So much beautiful in this…
Happy Birthday, Lisa Jo. This just split my heart wide open. I’m gushing tears and sniffles. Thank you for sharing your heart so transparently. Even though you made me cry… you have blessed me. It hasn’t been 2 decades, but it’s been enough years now since dad died that I wonder if the longing ever really dissipates. I don’t think so.
Oh, Lisa-Jo. What beauty, what tenderness, what understanding in the faces of your children, in the road your own booted feet have walked. Thank you for the gift of this piece this morning. God bless you, and happy birthday.
This is lovely and as a Mother I am sure that she’s beaming over this, celebrating! Whatever she did in 18 years is shining through you into your own children. I am in love with your connection to your mother even after 20 years without her.
I am just approaching 2 years without my mom, although it seems like forever because she was sick for a long time before she died. Unable to participate in my mothering Journey much.
This is lovely and encouraging. Thank you.
What a blessing to read this love letter to your mom! She would be so proud of you and so touched by your remembrance of HER on your birthday.
Happy birthday, Lisa-Jo. This is beautiful. I lost my dad when I was 21, four months before I got married. I would’ve loved for him to walk me down the aisle, but he never got to. I walked by myself. Thank you for being an inspiration!
I’m.sure my children are wondering why I’m weeping as I sit here and read this. Beautiful…absolutely beautiful. My mom is still around, but she lives in another state. I think I miss her more than I realize. Thanks for your post. And birthday hugs from Indiana. :D
Thank you for the reality you bring to my days.
And thank you that you told your mother about your new boots. Little things matter too.
I am amazed by the strength in your words. I still have my mom, who does not have hers (lost when my mom was 18), and yet I still take having a mother for granted. I can’t imagine raising my son without her which makes me very impressed with you (and the mercy and grace the Lord gives all of us everyday!)
Enjoy many more birthdays with your precious family.
Happy, happy, birthday Lisa-Jo. Even though it is your day, you are a gift to me every time I visit. Thank you for sharing yourself and your family, and putting the words of our hearts to your own special beat.
Crying here too. Thank you for sharing your words with us. That song is wrapped around my heart as well as I prepare to lose my Dad who has alzheimers.
BEAUTIFUL pictures and a huge happy birthday to you!
{lump in my throat} and a smile on my face as I celebrate all you are and all you’re becoming, friend. Your Mama done good.
You expressed your feelings beautifully. Your mother must be really proud to have you as a daughter. Happy birthday. May God always bless you.
Oh, Lisa-Jo! How I empathize with you in all you write (no matter the topic). I lost my mom almost 10 years ago at age 28…I feel some of those same things. God’s plans are quite a surprise for us I think…but each moment I sit back and watch unfold and realize HE IS AWESOME! I hope that each day for you continues to bloom with your precious children. God bless you and may He continue to use you as his instrument to empower the rest of us!
PS – HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Welcome to the 38 club! <3
just some beautiful lovely tears…
My mother was delivered from her illness six years ago last week. She missed out on her grandchildren, too. Beautiful, heartfelt words and the photos are still spectacular!
So well written and so true. A beautiful post. I miss your mom, too, LisaJo. I miss her for you. Because that ache of missing someone sometimes needs to hear it from people you never knew or will know. But sharing similar aches is somehow comforting. your brought tears to my eyes with this post….I shared it on FB. Happy Birthday beautiful. xoxo
Oh Lisa-Jo. Just made me cry again. I miss my mom too. Wish she knew my husband, my kids. Wish she could have taught me how to be a grandma. How to do so many things!
Then I realize that there’s a chance I wouldn’t know Him if she’d lived. Sigh. It makes my pain hurt less, and I try to move on…baby steps for sure…all over again.
I’ll pour my love deeper into Him. Drink deeper as I learn from Him, and pray my kids take better notes than I did as an adolesent. Trust Him with their hearts and minds. Be thankful I know sons in laws and the grands. Make memories. Let them take pictures when I’m not dressed my best, or my hair isn’t perfect (lol, it’s a SEASON of not perfect!). Click away!
Thanks for being real. For sharing your heart.
I love you for it.
Oh, this one really made me cry! How beautiful our words are.
I did not have a god mother-daughter experience growing up. I was a mother even then.
I’ve lived the last 17 years of my life very deliberately trying to be the mother I didn’t have. Desperately. Passionately.
I am always so grateful to have the opportunity to “hear” you. I am inspired by your openness and amazed at your ability to share yourself with us, all of us. Amazing.
This moved me so deeply. Thank you. Happy birthday, you are a remarkable woman :)
What deeply beautiful words. I love the pictures and talking to your mom about your children. Lovely.
Today is the 7 year anniversary of my dad’s death. I wrote about it today, so good for my soul to do so.
Happy Birthday!
I cried too. How could I not? This was such a raw, beautiful way to honor your mother with all the memories of growing up in SA and the reflections of her character showing up now in your children. My mother lost her mother early too, so I know some of this pain. Our love never stops even if the conversation does and your mother is in fact PRESENT with the Lord…so it moves me that you are loving her and communicating it in present tense. Blessings on your birthday and this time of remembering.
Wow, this got me all choked up as I thought about how I’ve been angry at my mom’s stubbornness recently. I love her deeply and know I’m lucky to still have her in my world – where I can pick up the phone to hear her voice any time I want.
Beautiful pics. Lovely letter. Thanks for sharing.
Simply beautiful. I cried when reading it and although your mom is gone it is clear she is very near your heart.
Oh, this one made me cry. Thank you. <3
While I don’t know the pain of losing a parent I am teary-eyed thinking about my own mother and how much she means to me. I love your transparency. I strive to be more like that but in truth I have stories I am not yet ready to share. Reading your blog is opening me up to be a better writer. Thank you for this. Your mom is proud of you for sure!
This doesn’t make me weepy; it makes me happy.
I understand better than I’d like to, and your 38 reminds me that by 39 I had outlived my mom. Seeing you at this age and thinking of her? She was much too young and we were much too young when she left this place.
But that’s selfish talk, isn’t it? She taught me just as much in death as she did in life, though I would’ve preferred learning some other way….
I’ve already told you happy birthday, but I wanted to peek in and tell you again, and celebrate the way LIFE is intended to be celebrated; among the company of those you love :).
xo
I LOVE this post! So beautifully written. God is good.
Hey Sis,
Happy happy to you again. Just read your letter. 20 years. Can it be that long? Feels like forever. Will be thinking of you and Josh and Dad on Sep 2nd.
All my love,
Luke
I don’t know you but yet tears just came to my eyes!! That was absolute perfection, beautifully written…..happy birthday:)
Happy Birthday Lisa! Blessings to you and yours. I turned 54 on August 24. When I read anything that u write it blesses me..no matter what is going on in my life. My dear sister in Christ..you make me happy. God bless you.
My family was worried about my tears….and a few sobs. I could only choke out, “I read something beautiful.”
Simply lovely, Lisa-Jo. Thank you for bearing your heart’s cry. Thank you for allowing this little reader to feel and share in your heart’s cry.
Happy Birthday Lisa-Jo!
This is so incredibly beautiful!
Happy Birthday to you, sweet friend.
You are such a blessing.
Happy Birthday, Lisa-Jo.
I understand the part about being sad and being well at the same time. I’ve experienced that combination many, many times throughout my life.
I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 5 years ago and you said everything I have been wanting to tell her about my son. Thank you for sharing and being able to put my feelings into words.
I just stumbled on your blog today, and LOVED this. It was beautiful and I cried, a good cry. Thank you.
Today my Mom has been gone 10 years. I miss her still–I see things in the store and want to buy it for her because it was her favorite color of blue . . . I do wish she was here but MORE than that I just want her to KNOW and to SEE my life. I know she would be happy . . . then return whatever I bought for her and get a different one. I loved my Mom.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Beautiful.
I lost my mom when I was 15 (I’m 44 now with 5 kiddos), and I love to imagine how things might be if she were still here. So many, many things I’d love to ask her about. My kids would have loved her.
I had tears streaming down my cheeks. I lost my mum too, in 2009, when i was 22, she was 47. & only 5 days before her first grandchild & my first child was born. I am now pregnant with my 3rd & so desperately want to ask her many things. Thankyou for the letter…i need to write my Mummy one of them. You are a blessing.
Liz xox