So I’m leading this thing I’m really excited about called (in) real life or (in)RL for snazzy short. And I’m loving it, and I’m feeling the love connected to all these awesome women from all over the world when God asks me in that whispery/naggy voice that shows up in the back of my head,
“who are your in real life people?”
Well, duh, I feel like saying –as I point at the Internet. Them God, check out how totally awesome they are and how we connect and isn’t our on line community just the coolest thing ever.
To which God replies, “your real life people – where are they?”
And I get uncomfortable goosebumps.
It occurs to me it’s been a while since I had some real life friends who lived, you know, in my zip code.
My Internet friends are wonderful and brilliant and encouraging and I love them so much I wish they lived next door. But they don’t. I try not to hold this against them.
And I ignore the God whisper/nag and go about my business.
Then my friend, Nester, writes about how to build an automatic friendship bench.
Then a Bible study leader’s kit shows up in my mailbox. It’s from Jennie Allen, it’s called STUCK, and it’s all about getting past our fake smiles to what’s aching underneath.
I ignore it.
I put it on the top shelf of the playroom toy rack.
I ignore it some more.
It falls down.
I use it to prop up my computer while I’m Skyping. Some days I alternate and use it as a footrest. {Sorry Jennie}
The God nagging gets louder.
The box stares at me.
Then a few Sundays later I find myself walking up to Laura after church. And I’m horrified to hear myself ask her if she’d be interested in a Bible study with me. She says yes.
I haven’t even opened the box yet. I have barely any idea what it’s about.
Other people want to join the study and advertise it. I want to hide and make sure only 4 people at the most show up. Thirteen arrive the first night. And it gets real right away.
Turns out I’m not the only one who was desperately unaware she was desperate for real life community.
So it’s great and awesome and I have long pep talks with myself about “keeping it real” and “leading from a place of honesty,” which is all good and well until the thing with the bratwursts happens.
Stupid bratwursts.
I’m getting ready for my Tuesday night Bible study of awesomeness, and I can see why God had been nagging at me for so long – because studying His word with people you actually get to hang with in person – well, it is powerful.
I’ve read the word, I’ve done the homework, I’ve prayed, and I’m ready to get my Bible study on.
But then Pete comes home for dinner with nothing but bratwursts. And for reasons that escape me this sets me grinding my teeth and muttering under my breath.
“Where are the mashed potatoes?” I ask. “Where are the sides or buns or anything else that would transform this into a meal?” Mutter mutter, grind grind, stomp stomp, hand slammed on counter, kids wide-eyed and confused.
He stays calm and sane.
I spiral into doom.
Because once I’m over the bratwurst crisis I’m faced with the “I’m-supposed-to-be-leading-Bible-study-in-this-foul-temper-tantrum” crisis.
Ugh. Woe is me. Woe-r is Pete.
Because he is calm and rational and his wife is a loon. But lucky for me he is also easy to make up with – we do. And next thing I’m driving the white minivan down 495 and feeling all kinds of relief that I dodged that bullet – I mean, how awkward would it have been if anyone had known what just went down.
Enter a chuckle from sources unknown.
And in my head I hear Jennie Allen again, “We all have our issues. Most of us just wear a cute bob or smile to cover them up. We’re never as sweet as we appear…Pretense and pretending have never really been God’s thing.”
I want to pound my head on the steering wheel. Really – this is real life community? I’m going to have to fess up to the battle of the bratwurst if I want to lead this group?
Yes.
I did.
We were all able to laugh.
And then we were all able to share.
And then we were all able to cry.
It was a good start.
Because of Jennie Allen and friendship benches and God’s insistence that relationship is transformative when it happens in person. And bratwursts, let’s not forget the bratwursts.
I don’t know when last you spent more than a Sunday morning with other women of faith. I don’t know when last you cried the ugly cry with someone sitting across the room from you rather than just on the other side of a screen or blog comment box.
But take it from someone who’s learning – they’re not the same.
Sweet, wonderful woman reading this, it’s so incredibly worth it to find your own zip code people. No matter how strange, awkward, backwards, or inconvenient the process is.
::
Online community is great and I am blessed by it. But you are so right Lisa-Jo, there is something so real and tangible about having girls we can relate in our own everyday life. I love that you call them your zip code people. Here in the Highlands of Scotland I have been so blessed that God has given me incredible friendships with real, honest, brave, women who are like me… NOT perfect. They are women who love God, who are examples of Godly wives and mummas, who are loving and who reach out to one another. The funny thing is that many of those girls who are my ‘post code girls’ are all from somewhere else. Global girls transplanted to another place who really ‘GET’ what community is about. Who understand that no matter where we come from, much of who we are is the SAME. I thank the Lord for my gal pals. Life here just wouldn’t be the same without them. One of my gal pals has been hosting a monthly book group in her home for about 18 months. It is just like you say that we learn more of Jesus, the masks come off, the walls come down and we are real with each other. I LOVE these women. Glad you have that too. It makes this journey of life….well…. just so much BETTER!
Thanks for this this morning. Zip-code girls – I like it. :) I need it!
I have a group of girls and we meet for prayer and Bible study, but that “realness” seems to be missing. I think we are all afraid to be the first one that does the ugly cry or gets beyond prayer requests for colds to go away and shares the bratwurst moments. Not sure I’m brave enough to be the one to do the first jump though…there is always that fear that they will just all stare and think how strange I really am. And being the one with the different accent married to the other one with a whole other accent, I don’t need any more strange…but real zip-code friends…I could use that. I can be brave, right?
Oh Sorina! I am praying that you will be brave. I believe that the rewards will be amazing! 2 Timothy 1:7
“we’re never as sweet as we appear.” ain’t that the truth???
sigh. and add a bit of introversion to the equation, and it’s just so much easier to know everyone while i sit here pounding at the keys, ya know?
what a great reminder and challenge. yesterday i went and visited with the widow next door who just had surgery. my heart was so into it. . . but it took some sweet talking to get my feet moving over there. but once i did, it wasn’t bad at all, i was blessed for the doing, and i hope she was encouraged, as well.
in real life. i once heard this, “Don’t give in to the temptation to exchange REAL relationships which are HARD for VIRTUAL relationships which are EASY.”
and there ya have it in a nutshell.
have a blessed day!
steph
Great point about real relationships being hard and virtual ones easy. I had not thought of it that way – although even the virtual ones you have to cultivate and continually stay in contact to have the relationship last. It’s even better when you get to meet them in person too!
so true! about 4 years ago, after the birth of our 2nd, i was feeling very isolated and lonely. i prayed and asked god for real, deep, true friendships with other women. i longed for real life community. i took the first step and opened up my home for a few hours every other wednesday morning. it was very casual. it grew into a wednesday morning bible study. and now i have a handful of girl friends who know the nitty-gritty every day bad and good about me. it is not always easy to be “completely real” – but when we are the roots of our friendship go deeper.
i am reminded of the C.S. Lewis quote, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
Oh Lisa-Jo….I have been in your shoes more times than I care to count. God loves using my ‘moments’ as teaching points for others. :-)
This is so true! I had friends in my zip code for a long time…Awesome,Christian, “Sista-Friends”! Then we moved. I still(3years later) haven’t made any friends like those.
I am laughing and appreciating this so much this morning…had my own Bible study disaster story this week…http://everydayspectacular.com/2012/01/31/flawed/
It’s so humbling to realize that it is our very flaws that we try so hard to hide and smile over and pretend we can leave at home, that are the very things God uses to allow us to actually relate to each other. The healing is in the revealing.
Thanks for keeping it so real.
This is so good and so real. I do have some real life friends and trying to keep the relationships strong does take effort, as well as blogging and dishes and laundry and visiting with my husband. It is a choice we must make to decide what is most important. The dusting will always be there. Friendships might not be. Help us all to encourage each other to do the ‘relationship’ work.
This is SO true. I’ve been blessed by this blogging community too…but it’s easy to hide our issues behind the screen and behind empty words meant to make it appear as if our lives are perfect and wonderful. But I’ve found there is something so freeing in sharing my heart with a friend face to face who can stop by unannounced, invite me over for tea at the spur of the moment, or simply hug and pray with me at a moment’s notice. I’ve been blessed to be part of a mom’s group in my church and this year God led me to a wonderful MOPS group as well. Every single one of these women has allowed me to expose my heart without judgment and has prayed with me through some of my hardest storms. I don’t know what I’d do without them. That being said, I also love being able to share my heart in words here for women all over the world who might be feeling as if they are the only one struggling. It helps so much to read the words of someone who has been where you are and to know you are not alone.
You are so awesome. Zip-code people. I love it, and I’m working on it. I just love how you laid this whole story out, so very courageous, and so very real. You really work to inspire. Thank you for ALL your writing! & congrats on your bible study!!! Enjoy those zip-code connections.
I have met a great pause with my own blogging because I don’t know where I want to go with it… I have an obsession with not just finding a purpose for my writing, but a collective one – I want to have a feel for “where are we all going together?” You know? Anyway, if you have time, would you mind taking a peak at my blog and sharing your thoughts with me? Here’s my latest post… http://oneincreation.wordpress.com/2012/02/01/a-challenge-to-collective-compassion/
Thanks!
Angela
Love this! I’m often challenged with the me that I want to keep hidden in the closet. But God…! But God, that He would take the stains of my life and use them for His glory. He is always taking my shame and setting it before people so that we can get healed together.
Ugggggghhhh. Hit me square between the eyes. I must confess, I’m not very good at making friends. I’m pretty good at writing them meaning full notes, I can stand in front of them and teach a study, but one on one conversations…I don’t know what to say, what can I ask and not feel like I have invaded their privacy? ( uggggghhh…my history)
But today, I will go to the woman in the gym and who is seeking a closer walk with Christ ( I did have one conversation) and ask if she would like to begin a Bible study with me.
Thank you for the motivation.
Cheering you on!
Oh yeah, sister, I hear ya’!!
For me, the ‘bratwurst’ incident came in the form of ‘play-doh’…
http://freeagentmommy.typepad.com/blog/2012/01/the-play-doh-war.html
Just sent out e-vites for our annual couple’s dinner, with our right-in-this-zip-code community of dear friends. Helping each other stay emotionally-naked & accountable: in marriage, Christ-following, parenting, healthy-living & all that stuff we’d end up flushin’ down the crapper if we didn’t have in-the-flesh community to help us walk it out.
Thanks for the oh-so-real reminder to seek out the loving fellowship God has for us, all around, if we’ll just open our arms & embrace it!
yes! this is exactly the reason I have resisted engaging in ONLINE friendships because they just didn’t seem as real and true as real life ones. I have amazing friends in real life and plenty other women that God brings across my path daily that could use a kind heart reaching out. I believe that we can be so completely absorbed in our online lives and virtual friends that we can miss out what God is offering right here in real time life! still grateful for this online space where we can challenge and encourage each other! thank you for that!
I’ve been journeying with some fabulous real life girls these last 4 years. We’ve been meeting for accountability and fun stuff too. We thought we knew each other pretty well, but then we started the Stuck bible study. Oh man, it’s fabulous! We’re all learning so much and growing and it’s crazy how I’m relearning these dear friends.
And all I can say is…………….UGH………………..I have none in my zipcode …that is that “I” find real so of course I can’t be real with them. My hubby just became a deacon this week and has my support (well sort of). I just kept worrying how I would have to get more real with other women in the church if I was a deacon’s wife. HE may have had you using the box for everything but the bible study and having a breakdown over brats but he used that for you and used you for me. Thank you dear friend for working on my heart and opening it up just a little bit more today.
Whoa. Wow. Mmmhmm! That is all.
I’m glad I am not the only one! I cannot remember, well yes I can. The last – real – friendships I had were in my home state, VA. It’s been almost ten years. Ten years! I don’t even know if I remember how to make friends. And a piece of me is too scared to venture out and give it a try…Woe is me! Maybe I’ll find some confidence for the (in)RL conference in April?
So true. Hiding behind our blogs is not full fellowship. But this town I live in, five years of reaching out and yet, finding friends has proved difficult. People are so busy. I needed this reminder to keep trying.
495 … as in the DC beltway?? Are you here??? we could be zip-code friends! (or at least beltway friends….)
Ok, this is crazy timing…just today I was with my daughter at a new friends house for a play-date. She is really great, and it got me thinking how I need to do more of that. I tend to maybe go with those that are convenient instead of real. Oy. Great post. Love your blog! Xoxoxoxo
Loved this! It is so true…it is easier to be friends with those you don’t have to get real with…that see all the dirty/ugly/truth about your life.
This past year was the worst of my life. Extended family crazy issues rocked our world. Blogging became a source of escape, a place of healing, a place where I didn’t have to worry about running into the enemies that we lived in the same town with. But we found a new church, new solid group of friends in our LifeGroup that I had to be real with. That I cried during accountability time with the ladies EVERY week. I felt safe, I could be real, I was being healed, God was using those ladies to minister to me. Last night, it had been a year since the ugliest of the ugly occurred. Everyone told me I was different, I had a peace about me they hadn’t seen all year. It took being real every week, working through the pain and fear on my knees with them. I also received great healing through knowing other bloggers like you, Ann Voskamp, and many others whose words were a balm to my soul.
Thank you for being so real!! You are a blessing!
This is exactly what has been on our hearts of late … investing in our local community! It’s so easy to spend far too many hours online: blogging, commenting, browsing. And I am introverted by nature, so I am really in my comfort zone at home alone – with my computer, writing till my heart’s content. This is why I am intentional about attending a Bible study; it’s at a church just a block from my house. I sit around a table, for two hours, and listen and share. And every Wednesday morning, I try to talk myself out of going, but I press through. And by noon, I’m so glad I went.
Great post on keeping it in the zipcode. I love it!
I get so caught up in my online world of blogging friends that I don’t invest time into my RL friends. Thank you for this post. I needed it!
Thanks for sharing Lisa-Jo! I actually have sorta the opposite problem. I have some great real life friends that I have worked at for years to develop. I feel shy on the Internet and somewhat jealous of these kinds of connections (not that being jealous is good). I really feel like I’m missing out on something great out there. But I don’t really know how to make those connections and if I do, it feels strange and disjointed.
Yes! A community within your own zip code is so very important!! This post is lovely!
after reading your post and Nester’s Craft Day suggestion, I put it out on facebook to see how many of my “zip code” friends were looking for something and was amazed by the response I got!! Pray for me, as I try to implement something… that I wouldn’t put it off!
I wish I could start it with (in)RL, but my hubby will be out of town that weekend and I’m in charge of 4 little ones… planning a (in)RL meetup probably won’t work! :(
As a guy, I can also relate. If it wasn’t for the group of guys I’d been meeting with for nearly 4 years, I’d be in a foul mess right now.
You are so right! Real relationships are hard. Seeing people day in and day out…going to church together, raising kids together, working together…gets messy, but it is so worth it. Thank you for being real…even when you don’t have to…we’d never know! ;) Have a great day.
Keep up the God work.
Lori
I started leading a small group on Thursday morning. On Wednesday night, though? I threw a big baby screaming tantrum at my husband. #notwinning
In other news, this post resonates with me in a BIG WAY, and I’ll be writing about that soon!
I have been mulling this over and wanted to add my bit. I think that we believe that we live in anonymity when in fact we are often seen clearly. We walk around trying to paint a picture of ourselves with our words and our clothes and our trappings when in fact it does not take much to see brokenness. Everyone who bothers to look can see spiritual fraud. On the flip side it is hard to miss gratitude or grace. So much of what we think we are hiding is really just out there for everyone to see but no one talks about it because they see you trying to hide. They know what/who you are but they play along because that is kind. Or so the story goes. So what lie are we believing when we put on all the “stuff” that is intended to make people see us differently. How silly am I (deceived is a better word) to lie to myself.
But what you are talking about is sharing that gooky stuff willingly. That means we can’t lie to ourselves anymore. How do we not do that? How do we be who and what we are with out facing that, and getting up and making the changes that we know we should make? That’s the point isn’t it? I wish sometimes that change was faster. Or easier. Mostly though I wish this comment wasn’t about me. Thanks for being real with us.