When my husband grabs our sons amidst shrieks of delight and tackles them with love and outlandish wrestling maneuvers en route to bed my heart wants to jump out of my body and do the happy dance.
He is their hero. I love that they get that. But he was mine first, even if it took me a while to figure that out.
My husband is not tall. He is, however, dark and handsome. But that’s where his resemblance to the Prince Charming of my favorite books and movies ends. It’s not that I expected him to swashbuckle, ride a horse or sport a suit of armor. My newly-married Prince Charming expectations were more subtle than that.
It’s taken me years to unravel and escape them.
I expected that a husband would intuitively know what I was thinking without needing to be told. I sulked when he couldn’t figure out what I wanted him to do and then sulked some more when he didn’t understand why I was sulking. I resented his inability to understand my whims. And no matter what his own day was like, I expected he would arrive home when the mood occurred to me just in time to sweep me off my feet with flowers and candlelight.
I did not expect all the extra dirty socks and dishes.
Because I had unwittingly bought what the movies were selling – silver screen romantic perfection wrapped up in the ability to please every unspoken desire in a neat 120 minute package – I was disappointed. I was also blind to the fact that I had reduced my husband to a means for accomplishing my own ends; whether those were candlelight dinners or simply involved a thorough cleaning of the bathroom. Either way, my happily ever after was not going as smoothly as expected.
My wake up call came in the midst of a loud and familiar argument about his failure to understand me when he yelled, “Well if that’s what you wanted me to do, why didn’t you just SAY SO in the first place.”
“Because that’s NOT ROMANTIC!” I yelled back.
And there it was staring me in the face. The choice. To be real or to be movie grade mysterious. The choice to be direct or to manipulate. The choice to come down from my tower, stop feigning distress, and meet him as an equal participant in our story. Or to make us both unhappy.
Slowly, grudgingly, I chose to share. I opened up my stash of secret wishes and spelled them out for him. And under his scrutiny, they did not melt.
No, in his hands they became real. Suddenly, he didn’t have to imagine what I was thinking or feeling, what I hoped about our future or wanted him to say to me when I was sad. He had a roadmap. And so he could come to my rescue so much quicker and more efficiently than before.
It embarrassed me at first to be so open and direct. It made me feel vulnerable. But all I lost in the process was some of the weight of my pride – and let’s face it, who can’t stand to lose a few of those pounds. Don’t let the books put one over on you, happily ever after is a heck of a lot of work. And marriage is the equivalent of The Shred for getting your faith in shape.
But when you do the work you wake up one day and find despite (or perhaps because of) the aches and pains that the man you married has grown into the man who makes your heart want to do the happy dance.
He understands you because you worked hard to let him.
He cherishes you because you’ve shared how much that matters. He unpacks the dishwasher because he knows it’s your least favorite chore. And right there, that’s what I now recognize as romance. And I discovered that it’s only when you’re not demanding it, that you find it staring you right in the face.
This was previously written last year as a guest post for my friend Sarah Mae. But I wanted to share it here.
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Aw… such a sweet story (and true of most of us, I’m afraid). :)
Oh so true.
We have had some serious aches and pains but over time it became evident the Lord used them to grow us…(grow us up a bit too, I suppose).
Thanks for this reminder in such a beautiful story!
Jen
love this post! it’s amazing what can happen in a marriage when you can actually *talk*…share you thoughts and feelings without being over dramatic (which i am totally guilty of).
while at blissdom my husband sent me a picture via iphone. it was a photo of a floor FULL of folded laundry!!! can you believe it?? i detest laundry. he knew i had a lot waiting for me when i came home…so he did it. all of it. and i refused to refold one single piece.
good me we have.
we just need to appreciate them.
There is *nothing* more romantic than a man who folds laundry of his own accord! Nothing! :)
This is so full of wisdom! We often have so many unstated expectations, sometimes without realizing it. Our poor husbands can’t read our minds. The Lord asks me to have expectations only of Him and to release those around me from them. He often uses those around me to meet my needs, but He wants me to recognize Him as the Source.
Beautifully said, Lisa-Jo! Loved this.
So true! Thanks for sharing that. I often tell a similar story when we speak at marriage conferences. It’s amazing how our expectations about marriage can actually jeopardize a marriage. So glad you figured that out! I’ll share this on my Facebook Page, Sheila Gregoire’s Books.
I so don’t do a good job at this. It still something I needed to work on. Thanks for the reminder.
So true! And young girls need to hear this truth.
From the perspective of 44 years of marriage, I just want to shout – “Amen Sister!”
And I must confess, it took me quite a few of those words to learn those lessons.
Oh, Lisa-Jo. You’ve hit the proverbial nail on the head here.
I’ve been married 25 years, and how I wish I’d read this post about. . . hmmm. . . 24 1/2 years ago.
One thing I’ve learned is that both my husband and I have notions of what is “romantic,” and those often include things that we desire the other to know–yet our desires stop short of willing to humble ourselves into the task of actually TELLING each other what they are. So we’ve stumbled along, the blind leading the blind, and fallen into any number of ditches that could have been avoided. We’re finally learning, thanks be to God, but would that we had learned earlier!
Thank you for using your platform to share this kind of wisdom. Well said.
I too have an amazing man who didn’t go to mind-reading school–at least not every class! Funny I was thinking about him today, and how I didn’t anticipate 7 years ago when we said the big Two Words (“i” and “do”) that some of the times when I would feel the most “romantic”about him would be when I was sick–and he takes care of me.
What a beautiful post and so fitting for me right now – I definitely need to print this one out and keep it handy in the coming months/years :)
You put your finger right on it. What I wanna say is, “What she said.”
Except the part about The Shred. Have you done that workout? A good marriage is much easier. But then, I’ve never claimed it to be a lot of work.
Speaking of work, Alabama has an old some called “It Works” about the parents’ marriage. My father-in-law, whose English is his second language, loved that song upon hearing it and began calling it “It’s Work.”
Both are true.
It’s beautiful, Lisa-Jo.
Just spot-on, again. Took me 10 years and three kids to figure out that my Prince was there all along, once I quit expecting him to be Prince Charming, God, King Arthur, Jesus, and Lancelot, all wrapped into one.
Here’s my take on it:
http://freeagentmommy.typepad.com/blog/2010/09/the-little-things.html
And an incredibly-painfully-insightful post by a friend of mine:
http://redeemingcarolyne.wordpress.com/2011/02/02/cake-and-cat-poop/
I feel lucky that I figured this out – I think it’s because my hubby is even LESS of a mind reader and less romantic than most. Now if I want a romantic gesture, I just say exactly what I want. Then I get it, problem solved. But if I waited for a extra romantic gesture I’d be dead before it happened, heh. When it comes to the practical things, though, he’s pretty great!
I just found your blog this morning and I love it! I am slowly reading through and I came to this post and its what I needed to read today. I’m engaged – getting married this summer and already I place expectations on my poor man. I want him to know and understand exactly why I’m in a bad mood – with out me telling him. Thank you for helping me as a single woman learn now to talk rather then expect.
I love this! I wonder how common it is for us women to prance around in an unrealistic dream… just WAITING for our husbands to READ OUR MINDS? :D I did the same thing you did… I LOVE the open communication now! :D :D
PS I’m so excited to have found your blog. Thanks a million for publishing/sharing! :D
Hi.. I’m a new follower and just browsing through your blog. This is so amazingly accurate! You have a lot of wisdom to share. I’m in the process of preparing to assist in our church’s Marriage Preparation programme and this is the kind of stuff the young couples need to know.
Its quite a coincidence but I’ve written a short 3 part series as part of my preparation with the whole Prince Charming scenario. I know you’re pretty busy, not to mention exhausted, but if you have the time I’d love for you to hop over and read them. Here’s the link to the first one:
http://shinebrightlyforjesus.blogspot.com/2011/05/fairytale-part-one-happily-ever-after.html
I’m so glad to meet you and look forward to reading more.
God Bless!