His homing instinct keeps bringing him back to our bedroom. Back to the sliver of space between my clumsy belly and Pete’s back. To the tuck and curve of comfort that we don’t quite have it in us to give at the moment.
And when we say no, when we escort him back to his bunk bed, he weeps. Genuine fear and anguish and peril at the thought of being alone. So I walk back with him. I hold his hand. I pray lyrical requests for protection over him. He lisps right along behind adding his own childish insights into what a five and half year old fears.
I tuck in his toes. I rearrange his pillow. I turn on the night light and the music and I kiss him.
But it’s not enough. This weekend nothing is enough. He begs and pleads for me to stay, to lie next to him. Requests that are unfamiliar and unsettling coming from our eldest. Finally I relent. Not because I want to. Not because I’m in the mood to. Not because I feel gracious or kind or particularly compassionate. Mostly I just feel tired and frustrated. But I also feel like this is a way to show Jesus to him. To be there.
To just be in the gap with him.
To lie next to him and be present in the midst of his fear.
Honestly, though, I am not very good at it. Because I quickly just feel uncomfortable and impatient. And I laugh on the inside at how very, very un-Jesus like I am. I want a quick fix. I want him to stop whining and just fall asleep already. I want to go back to my own bed and my me time.
I don’t want to be anyone’s anything past 9pm at night.
Past 9pm at night I’d really prefer if the whole world simply revolved around me. Amazing how naturally selfishness comes to me. And how my kids, more than anything else, have worked hard at chipping, cracking, pulling, peeling, and stripping it away. Like so much old paint.
There always seems to be another layer.
And I could tell you that he’s sleeping great these days. I could tell you that I’m consistent in my approach, loving and firm. I could tell you that I embrace having my selfishness stripped away. But truth is, he’s not, I’m not, and I don’t.
I’m just a tired mom trying to figure it out, trying to remember to unload the dishwasher and fill in the prechool application for next year so that we don’t miss the 50% discount window. I’m cranky and in love with my kids at the same time. I’m so much purple paint crudded over layers of grey and brown and faded orange.
I flake and I frustrate and I try to wrap my arms and my heart as tight around my boys as I can while also trying to squeeze out sacred moments of me-time.
Sometimes simultaneously.
But I’m also committed to trying again.
And I trust in the gift of tomorrow. And the Father who gives it.
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This was us with our second son. I was determined to follow through, to be strong and firm, convinced that was what he really needed. What I didn’t quite grasp was that I was getting loving firmness mixed up with meeting a need. Do you know that he is twenty-five now (twenty-five, Lisa-Jo!), and to this day I wish I could go back and do things differently and let him stay with us or at least sleep on a little air mattress on our bedroom floor to calm his little-boy fears and know we were nearby, to be Jesus to him close enough to touch in the night when it was too dark or the dreams too vivid.
If I had it to live over again, I would most assuredly do things differently. But I can’t, and he doesn’t harbor sadness over it (actually he knows how terrible I feel over it and often reminds me that I need to “just let it go, Mama”) so I really do need to just let it go. He has a little daughter of his own, and I can’t describe the joy of watching him as a daddy, the way he prizes his beautiful wife and their sweet little Belle and he nurtures them…the way he is Jesus to them.
The truth is, I miss those moments and wish I could go back just long enough to find a new comfortable, to find that spot where we all fit together and nobody is afraid in the night and we all feel Jesus’ calming breath on our foreheads while we sleep. Since I can’t, I will just be grateful that I have resilient kids who forgive me what I didn’t know then.
Love to you and yours,
Lisa
Lisa, thank you thank you so much for sharing this perspective! Often I read all the books and hear how I “should, coulda, woulda” done things differently, and it’s so nice to hear from a mom herself that if she could go back she wouldn’t begrudge the late night snuggles. I know there’s a time to be firm and a time to relent. Thank you for making me feel good about all those times we chose to let him snuggle in with us. Just thank you!
Oh my goodness…I am so glad to hear that I am not alone…have you been in my house?!?! lol! Thank you for your honesty, Lisa Jo! Now, I ‘m off to bed, but before I go, I will pray for US! :)
Thanks Patricia! I’ll take all the prayer I can get :)
Although I’m not a mother, I thought this post was incredible in how real it was. The line that stood out most to me was – I don’t want to be anyone’s anything past 9pm at night. Thank you for writing about motherhood in such an authentic, warts & all kinda way. Anyone who can make motherhood relatable to me is pretty amazing as I might possibly be the most non-maternal being there ever was. ;)
Ha! Shelby this made me chuckle so hard. Sounds like you and me have a lot in common. I was sure I would never have kids and have written a lot on that theme and how interesting the journey from there to here has been. Apparently I still have a lot to learn ;)
Oh, I have been in that exact same spot so many times and can relate to every single sentence. Except my kids always called it the nook and the nest. :) Thank you for this great reminder that even when we don’t feel like it, we’re still the nearest, best, earthly example of Jesus to our children.
Oh my goodness! This just totally took my back a couple of years to long nights with my baby (who’s now almost 4!) http://www.oneordinaryday.com/2009/02/04/breaking-the-rules/.
I was so distraught over the battle between discipline for my child and taking the time to enjoy her. Now, being out of that phase, I have NO regrets about the way we handled things. There are not many things I feel like I can say that about. I look back on that time and am so thankful for those moment shared with her.
Cheers to doing what a tired mom’s gotta do!:)
I love hearing how other moms have done it – because that’s exactly the struggle I have too, “the battle between discipline for my child and taking the time to enjoy her.” And it seems the longer I’m a mom the more I lean toward letting go of my own expectations and snuggling up into theirs. And it’s been a blessing to all of us.
You’re a wise mom to show him the ‘faithfulness of God’ in the night.
Sweet moments – sweet trust.
Tip: I put a pillow b/w him and me – it muffles the kicks! :)
Heh! Good tip, thanks ;)
Oh my, Lisa-Jo – do I relate to this one! Although it has been many, MANY years since I had little ones creeping into my bed at night (although occasionally, when we grandkid-sit, we get a reminder :>), I can still remember how it felt to be my sleep-deprived, groggy self and wanting it to STOP. But I’m with Lisa, your number one commenter – if I had it to do over again, I’d have a lot less angst about being ‘firm’ and just let them climb on in (or as Lisa suggested, make up a semi-permanent bed on the floor of our room). I’ve watched all three of my own kids do this with their kids – and I am downright envious of their ability to love unconditionally even in the midst of the exhaustion of childrearing.
So I COMPLETELY GET your wanting me-time (and you need it, in fact – you must have a little somewhere!) and I COMPLETELY GET your not wanting to be anything to anyone past 9:00 p.m. (although I was – and am – a night owl, I get the idea in general), I still want to salute you for going into his bed anyhow, for wanting to be Jesus for him and for committing yourself to trying again. You are doing great, dear blogger friend – just great. I have such admiration for you!
P.S. Thanks for writing about this so very beautifully.
Oh I am so blessed by all this encouragement and “relate-ability”!! I couldn’t figure out how to end this post. I kept trying to find the “holy upside” to end on, and realized that all I really have to offer is the flaky truth. Thank you wonderful wise women for taking me as I am and encouraging me so much in the journey!!
I am flaking right alongside you. “whoever does the smallest thing for the least of these…” This post of mine, on marriage, kids in your bed, and the like, might encourage? http://turquoisegates.blogspot.com/2010/02/four-weeks-ago-i-quit-sleeping-with-my.html
Oh I loved it – left you a comment over there. Thanks for sharing!
Amen sweet sister-mama!!! I am right there too!! Thank you for this beautiful post!!
I recently discovered your blog and want to de-lurk to say your posts are eloquent, beautiful, and honest. I’m also pregnant with #3 (don’t know the gender) with two little boys already, and I was thinking along these same lines just yesterday. Thank you for putting our emotions into words so beautifully and reminding us of His constantly renewed grace.
Hi Michelle – oh two boys and a third on the way too! Sister, what a journey it is, isn’t it? Praying blessings on you in yours!
Right with you, Lisa-Jo. In fact, it was two nights ago that Isabel crawled in our bed at 4:30. We usually walk her back but we were simply too tired to bother. She tossed and turned and did not go back to sleep. About an hour later her little brother showed up and this time I sent them both back. But for the next two hours they talked and giggled LOUD. Nobody slept. I battled all the feelings you mention so I related to your post very well. “Cranky and in love with my kids at the same time.” That’s just it. It is only by His grace that in love wins.
Yes, there’s often the tension for us too between how precious it is to have them around and how irritating it can be when one has a little restless body taking up half the bed as well. :)
Wow! You nailed this so well!! You nailed ME so well!! =P Oh how I relate to “not being anyone’s anything after 9 pm!” I see other moms and think they must never get upset at their children or feel like that. I’m always thinking how unlike Jesus I am when it comes to them. I’m not near as maternal as I thought I would be. I LOVE my kids, don’t get me wrong, but I fail daily!! The Lord is teaching me SO much about myself and how much I need to die to myself!!
Great post! Thanks for articulating this so well and allowing me to see that I am not alone!
yep, me too – i’m with you on this alllll the way.
“I’m cranky and in love with my kids at the same time.” ~ Yep, that just about sums it up!
Oh…and you nailed that whole selfish, the-night-is-about-me time. And you’re a better Mama than me…mine begins at 8pm! ;) I have 2 that had night terrors as preschoolers and while that season has passed, their vivid imaginations are fodder for nightmares and other bedtime fears. So, we get those late night visits, too. I handle them well and not-so-well, depending on my mood. Usually, we let them crawl in bed because we’re just too tired to care. Plus, are they gonna be needing us this way as teenagers? Doubt it.
I’m always amazed at how forgiving my kids are…they seem to not remember my less-than moments as vividly as I always worry they will. You are a tremendous, grace-filled Mama, LJ. When your babies are grown, THAT will be one thing they remember most from their growing up years!
O man, I needed to hear this after last night. All 3 of my kids were up from 1 AM to 3:30 AM, I’m still not sure what was going on. I’m 7 months pregnant, and had to nurse my 18 months old 3 times to get to her to sleep each time she woke up, I got like 4 hours of sleep, and I do not function well on no sleep. Nighttime parenting stretches me like nothing else. Like you said, my patience gets to an all time low after 9 oclock.
You. Are. My. Hero!
Thank you, Lisa-Jo, for sharing so that we, including you, know that we are not alone in our parenting adventures.
We struggled with this last night! “Just one more snuggle, Mom? Will you sing me a song?” I was so exhausted that I selfishly asked him to sing me a song! He said yes, for the first time, and it was the sweetest “Jesus loves me” ever! I couldn’t resist and ended up singing along.
Often, though, these types of nights end with tugging on mommy’s arms and neck so I won’t leave his bed. More often then not they end in whining on boy and mom sides. He can’t seem to understand how much I NEED him to quiet down right now, not be scared and just go to sleep. (Please read with sarcasm!) I remember my own lonely nights and don’t want him to have that, but at the same time he is not me and I understand my parent’s side of things a bit more now-a-days. I like to think that I turned out okay!
It’s such a relief to know other parents struggle with this. And want to end up having temper tantrums of their own ;)
Well, I have no parenting advice, but as a kid I was terrified for years and years of sleeping alone. Seriously scared. And so I love the part of your post where you talk about just being with your son as a reminder of Christ being with us. I’d rather a child of mine know that truth than how to sleep alone (as you can see, I’m about to be a first time mama…talk to me in a couple of years and see what I think!)
And, show your self grace…you’re about to have another baby and with 2 little boys, I’m sure there is so much to do. In the end, I believe you’re gonna be okay.
Why do you think you were scared? Jackson and his brother share a room and have never never been scared before – this is a totally new thing. And I cannot for the life of me figure out why he’s struggling so hard with it. It just seems totally irrational. Any insights appreciated!
I always shared a room with my sister and would ask her every night if I could sleep with her…she usually said no. So, I’d wait until she fell asleep and then sneak into her bed.
Why was I scared? I hope this doesn’t sound crazy, but I think that I was really sensitive to spiritual things even as a child. We lived in an area known for witchcraft…and so I often wonder if I was sensing that at night. And it scared me. Even now there will be times at night when I sense something in the room and have to pray in the name of Jesus…that I belong to Him.
Again, I hope you don’t think I’m a loon. I do think, though that especially children can be sensitive to things that we as adults aren’t.
I hope that helps. :)
No that’s really helpful. Thanks April. Jackson is especially emotional and sensitive to the nuances of others. I’ll keep that in mind when I pray for him. he insisted in sleeping with his baby brother this evening – Micah is only 3 and scared of nothing under the sun :)
Hoping this season passes and we find the right comfort for him.
Thanks so much for sharing!
~Lisa-Jo
Oh my goodness. I totally get it and am thankful for your honesty. It is comforting to know I am not alone and I appreciate seeing it in the “blog world.” I have several close friends with whom I talk about the struggle of being so “un-Jesus-like” for my kids. But it is sometimes hard to come by in the blogosphere. So thank you.
I struggle with the tension of loving them like crazy and them driving me crazy. :)
Anyways, I wrote two posts about the struggle of seeing what’s on the inside.
http://wimberlys.blogspot.com/2011/02/danger-of-me-time-book-club-part-5.html
http://wimberlys.blogspot.com/2011/03/solaced-and-refreshed-by-music.html
Thanks again!
Yea, exactly – loving them like crazy or feeling like you’re going crazy. There doesn’t seem to be much in between!
Lisa-Jo,
As so many have already said, this post is very relatable (is that a word?). This exact issue (waking in the night or cutting a nap short) has been God’s hand of refinement in my life since my first-born entered this world. I too have struggled with the line between discipline and nurturing – meeting them where they are at vs. holding my ground for the future good. Too often, I have missed what was lying underneath – a true need – for the sake of sleep or ‘me’ time. I am learning. I am learning. God cares for us too much to keep us the same and he uses our sweet children to create change in us and a dependence on Him. I am so thankful for that!
Sarah
“I don’t want to be anyone’s anything past 9pm at night.”
What a line! So true for me as well.
Here’s my two cents: my kids have their special night, which is one night a week that they go in our bed; have an hour’s worth of songs, giggles, books and games; then they sleep with us all night. Yes, sometimes it’s uncomfortable, inconvenient and frustrating. However, I just keep saying, “They’re not going to want to sleep with us forever.” Someday I’m going to miss that little heel in my back, or the stinky breath in my face.
My take on parenting is: someday they all learn to sleep on their own, feed themselves and wipe their own bottoms, let them do it in their time and enjoy them through the process.
I have to keep reminding myself not to endure my children, but to embrace them.
Oh Melissa! What a great idea – a one night a week date with the big bed, eh? I think I’m gonna propose that to my husband and see if we can work that out for our kids and if it helps to them to know they are guaranteed one night’s worth of sleep overs a week.
Love it, thanks!
My oldest has frequent nightmares and I am not the most gracious understanding mom in the middle of the night. Sometimes I do ok, but it is especially hard when I’m pregnant… Thankfully, God gave me a whopper of a nightmare a while back. The kind that leaves you sweating and horrified while awake and the kind that you just keep falling back asleep to continue… It was during one of those waking moments as I sat praying, that God reminded me how terrifying nightmares are for my son. This reminder made it so much easier to take the time with him in the middle of the night to pray and comfort him…
Oh man, wise words indeed! What an insight. I need to remember that. Thanks.
This is something I am dealing with too, and it’s encouraging to know that there are other people, other mommies, who are full of love but cranky too. For me, I get super selfish when I am hungry or tired. Yeah. Struggling along there with you…
Yea, hungry or tired definitely ratchet up my cranky factors too!
I understand your heartfelt turmoil. My boys are now 17, 15, and 10. And, that struggle never goes away. I try and balance my trying to hold on to them, fix all of their problems, and protect them and still letting them be the young men that they are. It’s hard watching them grow up and become independent. And, yet, it is the most rewarding and beautiful feeling I have ever experienced.
Praise God for the way he chissels away at our flesh! Man, sleep is deffinitely one of the greatest areas that God has used my children to edify me… if that made sense. I am my worst at night. MY WORST. Somehow, by God’s grace I make it through each of those difficult nights (just had one last night where baby didn’t want to sleep AT ALL, so I have been up since about 12:30) and still have so much joy in my little ones. I often find myself in those moments struggling with deeper issues than just tiredness. The desire to sleep is simply the catalyst to other sinful thoughts and desires. Thanks for the sweet story and encouragement.
Yes, what a great way to put it – the desire to sleep is a catalyst for recognizing so many other desires we need to get under control. Wise words!
Something about joining our lives with others will bring out the selfishness in us, won’t it? Marriage. Kids. Relationships as they were meant to be. Thank God I’m not the only mama squirming with irritability during those late night cry-outs for Mommy (and I’ve only been doing this for 9 months- eesh)… And thank God for new mercies every morning.
Not the only one by a Loooonnnnng Shot! ;)
What a beautifully written, honest post! Thanks for sharing! :)
A friend tweeted this post to me. Wow! I am totally in that place right now and needed to read that! Thank you!
It’s always nice to know we don’t have to face the crazy alone!
Can I tell you how much this post hit home? I’m in this battle with four-year-old daughter to cut out the mid night trips to our bed. It’s time, I told myself and her. AND her daddy. And I would love to say I did real well those first three days but the truth is she slept all night. No waking up for me to escort her back to her bed. Then it started back again. After three nights and three LARGE stickers on her sticker chart. And I want to be firm. But I’m tired, too. Like you. I want to show Jesus. Somehow. If she stays, if she goes. But I am just tired. And trying so hard to not be cranky. Trying to walk out this book of gratitude I’ve just read written by Ann. And I keep stumbling. That’s normal. I know. But she’s not the only kid. There’s the 18-year-old daughter graduating, still needing Mom and the 20-year-old daughter married with son trying to make a home of her home, still needing mom and I keep wondering if I’ve got any of it right.
I love just how real you are here in this space of yours. I need you to be. I need to know that I am not the only one not getting “stickers” on my own chart. Oh the irony of it all! To pull out that chart for four-year-old {inconsistently} and remind, and reward and sometimes mark a large X. I don’t even want to think of how my chart would look right now.
This morning, I pray that He covers you and your family and your little ones. That this time of birth brings great joy and great unity in your home. That your little ones will embrace baby and know that Mommy and Daddy still love them all. Praying for grace for you.
Seriously, how do you do it??? You speak and write eloquently words that are stuck in my head!! these are my favorite lines… truer words were never spoken!!
“I don’t want to be anyone’s anything past 9pm at night.
I’m cranky and in love with my kids at the same time.
But I’m also committed to trying again.”
PS… it could be the impending arrival of another little one in the house, causing some fears ind insecurities!! saying a prayer for all of you!
Yes, I think you’re right – after so many suggested it, we’ve been trying to reassure him that even after the new baby arrives, there will always be room for him in our bed when he has bad dreams!
And thanks for the encouragement – seems like mama trail is a familiar one to each of us – and it’s nice to have company on the journey!
I can almost guarantee that every night at least one child will get into our bed. As I type, my husband is having a guy’s night out, and my toddler has figured out how to climb over the gate at her door and is playing with her brother in their room. It’s 9:40. You could say I don’t want to be bothered after 9, either. ;)
I used to take them all back to their beds, but it just became easier to let them sleep with us. After all, it’s not like their interrupting anything at 3 in the morning.
I guess if comfort’s important to a parent, then she must teach her kids to sleep in their own bed all night. I’d rather deal with the discomfort and remind myself what a blessing it is to have kids who want to snuggle with me (even though they have not figured out that lying horizontal across my body makes me want to roll them off the bed!)
Your house and nights and logic sound *just* like mine!
Our second daughter came into our room every night…we made a bed for her in our room every night and sometime in the night she would come…until she was in high school..then she stopped…she didn’t grow up to have any strange insecurity problems…She is know a lawyer that has traveled all over the world helping orphans…Just enjoy these moments…
Great post – I know exactly what you mean.. After a busy day of being mom – it’s nice to have “me” time at night and the disturbance of that can be exhausting and frustrating…
Love your honesty.
Kelly
I’ve Become My Mother
Kelly’s Ideas
Amazing Salvation
I love this. I’m not a mom and won’t be for a long time still, but it’s still nice to remember Jesus is here, even now in the craziness and tiredness and delirium of trying to keep my head above water. I need to know that it’s okay not to be perfect or live up to others’ expectations, and oftentimes I’m my own worst enemy. Like today, I got detention. Not for causing trouble, but because my second hour is Connecting and I have to walk from one school to the next and I was late to class twice in the one month we’ve been in school. To make matters worse, it happens to be on the Tuesday I lead Bible Study at my school, and the irony of this makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Who would’ve thought a bible study leader would get detention? And don’t even get me started on how unqualified I am to even lead the study, even though I’m not by myself. Sometimes I swear God has the most perverted sense of humor…