And I get her out of the bath and wrap her up in shiny, skeins of softness that compliment her still brand new skin. I burrito her into my arms and we both laugh and the air smells like baby lotion and love.
These are my big moments. No one sees them but me and her.
I am not a preacher.
I am not a Bible teacher.
I am a mom and a wife and a woman with a heart for other women.
And some days that is enough. But some days it is not. Some days I worry I live too small. I want to make a mark on this world bigger than the instructions that came with the gift that tells me how to mold Zoe’s hand print and keep it framed in pink.
I have dreams in my heart that I would frame if I could.
But I worry over them. I wake up in the night with Jackson’s elbow pushing into my side. He arrives catlike in the dark and I never know he’s there till I wake up. And lying beside him is the nagging sense that I’m not doing anything big. Or that I’m not doing it right. Or that no one will notice or celebrate it or congratulate me for it if I do.
The desire to succeed bothers me almost as much as the worry that I won’t.
I’ve forgotten to shut the blinds and the moon blinds me across the dark night. I stare back at her and know I want to make a name for myself just as much as the people who built a tall tower to the heavens under her watchful face.
I am ashamed that I feel this way. This desperate desire for success. It seems to me that is exactly how my old Sunday school teacher would have told me we spell selfish.
I wash dishes and regret not soaking them longer. My polite prayers to God have done nothing for the state of my restlessness. So as I slop soap and bubbles and wipe the counters I start to talk. I pray out loud. I am not polite. I tell it all to God. I tell Him how ridiculous it is how much I worry about not succeeding. And how much I want to.
I ask Him what success looks like to Him. I tell him I need it – to understand so that I can overcome this fear of failing.
I hardly wait for an answer I am so busy verbalizing my weeks of desperate wrestling.
It is a relief to say the words out loud. Why do I think they will surprise the God who’s been listening all along?
I sit down in the quiet play room with the rows of stuffed animals and toy cars looking on and right there at the corner of where I work and where my children play He answers,
“Assuming God is calling you to do something, you will fail by being disobedient, not by a lack of success at the task.” ~ What Women Fear by Angie Smith
I read it again. My breath is caught and I have to remember to exhale.
“You will fail by being disobedient, not by a lack of success at the task.”
I put down my pen and stare out the window. There are two squirrels racing the fence line. I know what He has called me to. I am in the thick of following Him into deeper and deeper understandings of it.
That is success.
That is success.
That He calls and we just follow.
Just.
As Jesus walked beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” At once they left their nets and followed him.
When he had gone a little farther, he saw James son of Zebedee and his brother John in a boat, preparing their nets. Without delay he called them, and they left their father Zebedee in the boat with the hired men and followed him.
~Mark 1:14-20.
And leave the outcome up to Him.
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i wrote something very similar to this today.
there is something so precious about those moments we wish we could frame, and yet hold between us and Jesus.
You have a blog, followed by many, all over the world, where you let us read wise words and finding consolation in knowing we are not alone… That is also something to remember, and maybe cherrish, on days when things are extra colourless.
Thank you for putting in to words what it is to be human :-)
Just a quote I have written in the front of my bible to remind me that outcomes are God’s business, obedience is mine. From a woman who spent alot of years alone while her husband suffered in prison for the gospel’s sake:
“Obedience is the highest success.” Sabrina Wurmbrand
May we all, as a body of believers, leave this “voodoo mentality” of determining my success in God’s eyes by looking at the outcome, and may we instead view obedience to the promptings of the Holy Spirit as the measuring stick of success. The world looks at outcomes, we are to look to Him. The bible contains more stories of people who were obedient and suffered for it than those who were obedient and found success. (in this world) Let the Bema seat sort it out, and just be content to follow His leadership in moment-by-moment nudgings, never counting the cost.
In His grace,
Karan
AMEN!
Thanks! The calling changes, doesn’t it. Some days it’s just dishes, some days a meal for someone else, or donating toilet paper to the pregnancy center, some days it’s playing at the park, and making our kids laugh… and making people around us wonder… what is this joy?
As if I didn’t already know that we are heart sisters, this seals the deal. “The desire to succeed bothers me almost as much as the worry that I won’t.” Yes. THIS. And then the tension of recognizing the misplaced priority… *sigh*
But God actually started whispering the same truths to me that you’re sharing here during our Hilton Head trip. I’m so thankful that the Truth is what He says…not what I think.
Love this post, LJ. Love YOU.
what an encouraging read this morning! i am often asked why i settled here in this small southern town where nothing seems to be happening. i stay at home with my kids and am even homeschooling them. gasp! to many people that knew me “before” none of this makes any sense. sometimes i read other blogs of families who are doing more spectacular things than i am and i wonder if this really is enough for God. thanks for the reminder that obedience in all things, big or seemingly small, is what we are called to.
Thanks so much for speaking to me today, and reminding me with Angie’s words:
“Assuming God is calling you to do something, you will fail by being disobedient, not by a lack of success at the task.”
I am empowered by your post and her words.
What a fresh perspective, and a more truthful way of looking at any situation.
For me, then, it means I can remove the fear of failure just by stepping forward in my strengths, using all the skills and abilities with which He has gifted me, to do the task He has set before me.
Thank you so much for writing this. For putting your voice out there representing what almost every woman struggles with. For me it is on regular basis. I cling to these words- Thank you for the reminder that all we have to do is follow Him.
This was a lovely post! The pictures were priceless. You are doing just what God wants you to be doing with raising children. I would say you would be very successful at writing a book. I love reading your posts and I know that they would make a great book.
Blessings to you and keep on enjoying the moments with you precious children and husband.
These are good, beautiful, brave, life-giving words. Thank you, my friend.
Lisa-Jo: I read your post before lunch and it’s been a couple of hours but my heart has not slowed down since reading! It’s exactly what I’ve been thinking/feeling the past few days/weeks/months.
This is me: “I stare back at her and know I want to make a name for myself just as much as the people who built a tall tower to the heavens under her watchful face. I am ashamed that I feel this way. This desperate desire for success. ”
I’ve been listening to Jimmy Needham’s CD (even posted about it today) and a few of his songs are about how he wants to be successful as a singer and the balance of being famous versus making God famous.
The lyrics to his song, “Being Small” are so good but one part in particular has got me:
“if it’s You that’s getting bigger, I don’t mind being small.” And as a blogger (stay-at-home, semi-homeschooling mama), I have to pray this. I *do* want to make Him bigger. But I struggle with being small myself.
Anywhoo. That felt like a confessional. Thank you for stirring my soul today (as usual).
ps–if you and Mary are heart-sisters, then that makes us triplets.
Isaiah 49:4, “I have labored in vain, I have spent my strength for nothing and vanity, yet surely my right is with the Lord and my recompense with my God.”
“A 30-Year-Old Dream I Have Outlived By One Year”
http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/a-30-year-old-dream-i-have-outlived-by-one-year/print
When I have these thoughts of “what real impact am I having just being a wife and mom,” I think of my two Grandmothers. Between them they had 11 kids, almost 40 grandkids, and MANY great-grandkids – and almost everyone is believers. What an influence for Christ they’ve had just counting immediate family, and not even all the people that each of us has impacted!
Much needed reminder rolled up in a ball of encouragement for me today. We do have a high calling … if only we can remember and be satisfied with that!
Thank you for this! It inspired me to write a post on obedience to God’s call and I linked back to your post. It reminded me of a missionary woman who obeyed God’s call to go and though she died only a year into her journey… the outcome was left to God and she became a role model to other Christians because of her obedience.
Dear Lisa Jo. Sweet, busy mommy living the obedience. You are seen. It feels a little awkward to slip this in here, but I’m trying to live the obedience, too. Perhaps this is for you?
http://jeannedamoff.wordpress.com/2011/10/10/gleanings/
Be comforted in your smallness. There’s always so much more we can’t see.
Love, Jeanne
These are the struggles of my heart. Every day. Am I doing enough? Am I following hard enough? Are my footsteps going in the right direction? Will I ever be the person I want to be? Praise be to God that I don’t have to answer that–He does. And He makes me worthy.
I think it’s hard, being in this blog world, when we see what seems like success bloom and flourish right in front of our eyes. One person gets more and more readers when our (my) blog languishes. Another writes a wildly successful book while we wash dishes at the sink. Others speak to large groups of women while we teach four-year-old Sunday School. It’s the comparison trap, and it stinks.
This was so lovely, Lisa-Jo. Thank you for this…. I need to read this often, and remember how my life is measured… what matters most.
PS: Can’t wait to meet you in person at Relevant! wow!
On the inside of my bible, my Mother wrote this (when I was in about the 6th grade); God doesn’t call us to be successful, he calls us to be faithful. How thankful I am that with those words and by her example, I grew up knowing that wonderful truth.
Yes, yes! God reminds me often that I am not responsible for the outcome but for my obedience through the process. Isn’t it a lifting of a heavy burden to know He takes care of the end result? It certainly is to me!
Love this post! Thank you for sharing this truth so clearly and beautifully. God is more concerned with our heart than our success. He’s after us – to know and be known.
It is very encouraging to remember that, even in the mundane, if we are obedient to Christ we are successful. God doesn’t measure success the way people do… and THAT is encouraging.
Thanks for sharing and reminding me to be obedient.
It’s so hard for us to understand success can NEVER be measured by us. I’m glad you got peace on this today. Thanks for sharing!
Lisa-Jo thanks so much for writing this. It echoes my heart and struggle right now. It helps to know that I’m not the only one wiping counters, wiping tears and talking to God through it all about these internal struggles. I needed these words. Heaps of blessings!
You captured truth beautifully. You followed Jesus through the soap suds into His heart and found yours with Him. And you remind us to do the same. Thanks!
Lisa Jo – Of all the blogs I follow, yours is my favorite. I sometimes fail to check in with any of them, but your posts on FB give your link and I click every time. You really capture what’s on my heart too. I really desire the success because no one in my family thinks what I do is important. They just think I tap on the computer all day. I’ve had 4 articles in the Memphis newspaper, and they just sigh and say, “That’s good.” I want to prove myself to them. I guess I should look at it as they love me no matter what I do. I also struggle with insecurity that is sometimes crippling and paralyzing. You have a God-given dream. Give it back to God for Him to use as He wills, no matter what that is. Maybe God just wants you to write so that you will make people hunger for him. If God only let us minister to a few people, would we still love Him? Or would we feel like He let us down or we let ourselves down? I guess that only when we accept we may never be famous or well-known does God deem us ready for more. Satan uses worry to zap our energy and keep us from enjoying our blessings as much as we should right now. I feel like I’m being a hypocrite by writing this because I feel exactly the same way. I guess God wants me to use my own failures to encourage others. Keep plugging away!! God has great plans for you. Your writing is absolutely beautiful….
yesterday as I strolled my driveway, heart swelling for the beauty of Autumn all around me, I asked God to make me less, and Him more, in my life… I was wallowing in the same dilemma you mentioned,’ wanting to be successful, noticed… but when He showed me His glory and His majesty, I remembered that it is to exalt Him that we are here, and I could joyously lay down my life, that His might be made manifest through me. There is such a peace that comes with what you shared, “Assuming God is calling you to do something, you will fail by being disobedient, not by a lack of success at the task.”( ~ What Women Fear by Angie Smith) … just resting in Him, doing His bidding.
Thank you for your post!
Lisa-Jo –
First time visitor/commentor and I just want to say THANKS and… how did you get into my head? So grateful for this word. And for the confirmation to lay some things at the feet of my Lord right now.
Hey there Jennifer,
Thanks for saying hi, welcome and yea, it can be hard to lay down one definition of success for another. Blessings to you on that journey.
so sweet :) i need inspirational Christians to read from. i love your site, keep posting. i love coming here. take care and God bless!
I am weeping.
I love you so much.
This hit me right in the center of my soul, and I feel these words healing me. You are such a gift, LJ. A beautiful gift and I love you to pieces!
thank you so much i really needed this today. i live in Africa and we are coming up on a year, the language is still so far from me, it’s hard to see any success in my life. As we said goodbye recently to my husbands parents it breaks my heart, and all I can think is What are we doing this for? I know the Answer, but there are moments my heart can’t take it any more and I just need to know i’m doing well at something, so there is purpose in all of this. Didn’t mean to pour my heart out, but that is where i have been these past few days, so thank you for the encouragement you have brought to my life.
Thank you for the reminder to have an open heart and open ears to hear what He is calling me to do.
This is beautiful. I loved the way you spoke about your time with your daughter, how you tackled the very issue that some mothers (and even some of us big sisters ^.-) have with feeling like we’re not doing enough. The verses were just right, and the shots of Zoe complimented your words perfectly.
Great post.
I cried through this… I did miss this the first time, and I am so thankful I got another chance to be ministered to. Thank you for your obedience. We never know the true impact of our following Christ, but we will one day. :`)
I needed this so much especially today. Thank you so much for letting me know I missed it!
Wonderful, it was worth being shared again. A great reminder for us all, surrender to his will.
“and leave the outcome to Him” One of my favorite things to remember. We are responsible for the process, praise God He holds the outcome in His ever capable hands.
What a timely reminder that what we most need to focus on, to have success with, is often right in front of us… Thank you.
Again, such wise words.
This quote really hit home with me:
“Assuming God is calling you to do something, you will fail by being disobedient, not by a lack of success at the task.”
I think that is something that we moms have a lot of difficulty with, and I thank you for the reminder!
This new definition of success could change EVERYTHING for me…
And I WANT that.
I want to measure my life by my obedience to my Father, and not by any other measuring stick.
Success = Obedience
Well my my my … you are a preacher … and a bible teacher!
Love this!
Blessings,
Felecia
What an amazing post. I believe this is a culmination of how many mom’s feel most days. Thank you for the reminder of what Success really is.
I did read this the first time – and I loved it. And I identified with it so strongly, even at my very advanced age. Stepping into retirement is a bit like the occasional wasteland feeling of raising small children, a lot of wondering, “Is this all there is?” “Am I enough?” I just neglected to comment at that time. So. I am commenting now. Thank you for these good words, Lisa-Jo. Following, one foot after the other, where the Carpenter leads – that is success, that is beauty, that is freedom, that is true fulfillment. Thank you for this oh-so-tender reminder of that powerful truth.
Loved this, Lisa-Jo. You are a comfort to so many!
Cxx
“That is success. That He calls and we just follow.” Yes. Why do we sometimes make is so much harder than that!
It seems I had these thoughts and this conversation with God today. This is something I needed to read today. Thank you for linking it.
Great post. I really loved reading it. Thanks for the link up. I hope that I can read them all too!
I know this struggle well, my friend. I know the worry that creeps over the face during the moonlight and in the sunshine as well … and I find rest and comfort in your words, knowing that His truth supercedes my thoughts and worries. I simply have to put down my nets and follow. Obedience. There it is. Thank you for writing this out so honestly.
Someone once told me that to love God and to be loved by Him is success. And really, when we love God we will walk in full obedience to what He’s called us to do. Oh, I want to love Him more so that I will continue to walk obediently. Thank you for relinking this post so I had the chance to read it!
Success has many meanings for many people. It’s how everybody see it but the one common thing is it makes everyone happy at the end. I agree on what you said. Obeying my god first is the real success. And he will take me to the right place.
Thank you for your post. I already read it once you posted it and here I’m reading it again. It’s been almost a year since I knew you and find your blog really inspiring. So thank you very much and happy new year to you =)
for me, remembering this truth is one thing… being able to embrace and accept it each day is another. i want to truly rejoice with my friend experiencing the type of success i long for, to tear down that high place instead of constructing my own tower to lift me up in the eyes of others, to not only mouth right words but beat true and holy heart motivations, too.
thanks for sharing so transparently ~ your little zoe is simply beautiful!