The lovers in movies kiss in shades of intimate sunset.
Wind and light and time stand still for them. Their moments are filled with space to breathe and exhale and savor. They hold hands. They look long and deep into the insides of each other’s eyes to interpret what lingers there. They read one another like braille because they have the time to do so. They never cut to the chase.
These people must not have children.
They operate outside the constant state of rush that characterizes even the most mundane moments of a parent’s existence. Should trying to go to the bathroom alone really be this exhausting?
When the color of the bowl that holds the mac and cheese becomes a potential battle ground, how can there even be the hope for meaningful conversation over dinner?
A day’s worth of thoughts and emotions are lost by the time bath time has been survived and bed time dragged out for hours of “go back to bed” and “I just need one more drink of water.”
Parents as people seem to exist only in the fringe hours of the day. And those hours are frayed around the edges.
I remember a Fourth of July when we napped, lingered, ate, and strolled down to the mall maddeningly late in the eyes of those who had been camped out since early afternoon. We did not plan ahead. We were too busy just being together. How your hand felt around mine seemed like the most important part of the evening. The fireworks, they were nice. But you, you were what the night was about.
I leaned into you and watched the heavens explode and knew it would always be us. I never could have imagined that there would be a night when making sure we’d packed the pink pacifier would be more important than the grip on your hand.
I need to find your fingers. I need to relearn the outline of your hand over mine. I need to breathe.
Where do parents go to do that? Beyond the confines of the midnight hour?
{Edited from the archives}
Want to keep up with this here blog? Sign up to get my posts emailed to your doorstep right here Or delivered to your reader of choice. Or just like us on Facebook.
Any kind of babysitting co-op around where you live? That can help a LOT.
Boy, do I relate to this feeling – even though it is years behind me now. Layer after layer of noise/mess/sickness/whining/pickiness/over-tired/over-excited/under-rested parents and children – all of it can bury you…and make you want to run for cover sometimes. Take a deep breath. Pray the simplest of prayers – like: “Lord! Have mercy.” Do the next thing. Say thank you for whatever small thing your eye can land on that makes your heart smile, even a little bit. Baby steps – that’s what it’s about at this stage of life. And holding onto hope for the changes that will come. (Which will, I promise you, bring with them a certain nostalgia for when they were tinier…when that happens, READ THIS POST. S-M-I-L-E.)
You hit it on the head, Diana: “All of it can bury you…and make you want to run for cover sometimes.”!
What would I recommend if I was there again?
Pray. Lots.
Take a day, an hour, a minute at a time, but take time to look for the good. Sometimes it can be so elusive that you think it might have gone into hiding as well.
Have other folks watch the kids for a spell-even an hour for a walk-it can help maintain a semblance of sanity.
And love your spouse. Really, truly love him. Take moments to show him how much he means to you, by showing respect and caring in a way that is meaningful to him. If you are not sure what that looks like, pick up “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Great book on how we all speak a “different” language of love, and sometimes a real eye opener about what makes us all tick.
I/we have a really hard time with this… How can we be us, when there is so little time for us??
We’ve put the kibosh on fall sports with hopes and plans to carve out some lib/Johnny time… So that’s a beginning. If you want advice-at the overwhelming stage you’re in with 3– use whatever means are necessary to get out alone once every other week. Inknow people say once a week, but I think it’s unrealistic after 2 kids. Surely your church has a babysitting swap, or parents night out or something y’all could use… Another idea::
One year we lined up a babysitter every Tuesday night for 6 weeks and took swing dance lessons together. Every single minute in the car and dancing was water on our parched relationship… I loved commitment we made for that sweet time together…class was cheaper than the babysitter!
Blessings and prAyers!
i am here with you. the days can be draining and in the busyness i often think at the end of the day- did we hug today? kiss? did i look into his eyes? its a constant balance between responsibility and desire. thank god for love that endures.
great post.
So much deliberate effort required! We have somewhat rigid *must’s* carved into our lives together–look in each other’s eyes, actually say good morning, smile, tell each other we love one another, and embrace (a strong one, lasting a few extra seconds…and even longer if the child is begging for our attention). When we leave the house, even to get fuel for the lawn mower, we give a kiss and say we love each other. We try to look each other in the eye. We reach for a hand or thigh when we’re in the car together, alone in the front and child in the back. When we’re alone in a room together we seize it for a hug and we linger longer when the child comes in the room squeezing in for a place among us. We have lunch together a few times a week when the child is at school. We watch television shows together and talk about them in the evening. We play a game together after the child goes to bed and before the television turns on. We participate in a Fantasy Football draft league together and then {try to} enjoy talking about something other than parenting or child-requiring-discipline or finances. I take a vacation day a month for a full date together while the child is at school. We stick to a consistent early bedtime for our boy–it’s good for him and good for our marriage.
It is hard to remember each other first. But, he came first and we came before our child…and God willing we’ll last together longer than that little boy will be in our home. There are days, of course, when the *whirl and twirl* of life evades us and the crazy cycle spins. But most of all…I try to notice when we touch, when we exchange glances, when he speaks. I try to give him the 15 (or even five) minutes of my undivided attention when I walk in the door from work and he has a litany of things he wants to share with me, and I listen and try to pay attention…soaking up OUR time, our moment.
It’s easier for me to say all of this when I only have one…and our decision to only have one (at least for now) is based a lot around my husband’s fear that we’ll have less of each other. So, I learn and pay attention to how this might be able to be sustained, even with more parenting responsibilities.
So well written. I long for this, too, and then immediately feel kind of like by thinking those thoughts that maybe I’m not really fully appreciating this season of the little ones and the most times mess and sometimes beautiful chaos they create. I live between these two worlds of remembering what it was like to breathe beside my hubby and being submerged in moments where we’re standing side by side totally breathless watching the calamity ensue.
Ah-ha-ha-ha! I am so glad that I’m not the only one who can’t seem to find time to use the bathroom alone or who’s kids fight over who got the bowl with the blue line around the rim. Although, I have to admit that just recently I have really enjoyed having dinner as a family. This is really recent though because I can remember crying to my mom over the phone a few short months ago asking her if there would ever be a time when dinner was enjoyable again. My oldest two seem to have figured out that dinner time is good family time and they do so much better now than they used to… They’re 9 and 7, so it took awhile. ;)
As far as time for parents… All the marriage gurus I’ve ever heard say we’re all supposed to have a date night once a week… Right. We’re lucky if we can get away just the two of us for a couple of hours once a month and usually that time is spent going over calendars or finances or both. Not exactly romantic.
I haven’t figured out how to do this yet. I remember my parents seemed to do well though… They just didn’t care that we were around. I remember watching them dance around the kitchen to the sound of us fighting instead of music. I’m not sure how they were so adept at ignoring us… But they may have been on to something because every time they started dancing we stopped fighting. It was too fun to watch my dad spin and dip my mom to bother with whatever my brother had done.
Really, isn’t that the same thing that the romantic couples in movies have done? It’s not that they have a bunch of extra time or perfect circumstances, they’ve just gotten good at ignoring the noise and people around them. The camera focuses in on what they’re focused on, each other. I’m sure there’s someone in the background doing something or a noisy bird or the sound of traffic. We just don’t see it because they don’t see it… They’re too focused on each other to notice.
I want to learn how to do THAT!
(For the record, I’m in no way suggesting that we neglect or ignore our children if they’re complaining about something really important which requires immediate attention.)
The balance between giving to them, and helping him and serving Him.. is a lesson that I still need to learn and me be learning the rest of my life.
Thank for sharing this with us all
In the trenches with you here. I like the 2+2+2 plan. Every 2 weeks go on a date, even if it’s just to coffee, the bookstore or even the grocery store. Every 2 months do a night away without the kids. Every 2 years go away on a vacation together. Good in theory, but many of us can’t afford going away for the night every 2 months, let alone on vacation every 2 years. But, for us, having grandparents take the kids overnight every 2 months is doable, or even for the weekend, and we stay at home without the kids. As far as vacations go, I don’t want to leave my kids that long, and want them on vacation with us. All that to say, it really helps me on those really hard days to know that every 2 weeks I have a guaranteed date with my husband. It gives me something to look forward to instead of feeling like I never get to see him. It really does help.
In between those 2 weeks, I love having a few minutes alone with my husband when he gets home from work. I love those stolen moments in the kitchen when the kids are busy or when he sits next to me on the couch and we talk for even just 2 minutes.
i hear you! some days we fall exhausted into bed and realized we haven’t even kissed each other all day, or we realize it has been weeks since we have had any kind of meaningful/thoughtful conversation…
take advantage of texting. since we are separated all day it is fun to send each other “flirty” texts during the day. makes us feel young and in love. :-)
we are trying to get better at having 10 minutes alone when he returns from work. as the kids get older this gets easier, but we found that since we didn’t have the practice already in place it took a while to get everyone in the family used to it.
strict bedtime for kids. at least 2 nights a week after kids are in bed we turn off all media and focus on each other.
i have found that keeping that connection is more of a discipline of mind. that there are moments we can grab in the midst of all the chaos – to hold hands, to hug, to grab a quick kiss. and i have to make myself remember that i am not only a mother, i am first a wife.
my dad always said that the best way to love your kids is to love your spouse first.
Enjoyed reading your post today; and I remember well moments like you discribed.
We made it a requirement to have a date night every Friday Night. You don’t need money for this; you just look for creative ways to be alone together. Then every 3 to 6 months an overnighter alone. It made a big difference in our lives. We also did something really awesome every anniversary. Carve out the time and enjoy the moments!
I love your blog so much. You are so real and you communicate it so beautifully. We just found out we’re pregnant again and we’re so excited! We will have three little ones by April next year and I know it will be busy. WONDERFUL and busy! My husband and I sometimes take a date night if we can find a babysitter. We always make sure to spend time over a cheese and fruit plate, get some delicious coffee, and spend time talking, dreaming, sharing. He tried to plan a date night last week but we couldn’t find a babysitter since it was a holiday weekend so we had a family date on Saturday all day. He took care of all the meals and let me rest (nausea) and we spent time down by the ocean, riding bikes, playing at the park and stopping for a snack of french fries at the marina restaurant. It was such a lovely day. God really gave us a full day of refreshment together.
Life can get so busy and we all need the time to reconnect and bond. Thankful for God’s love and grace sustaining us through the busy times.
Thanks,
Jen
I also wanted to share my friend’s idea of an “at home” date night that she and her husband do regularly! She wrote about it here: http://twobluebuttons.com/2011/07/15/a-little-more-lovely/
Been there. Done that. Now I know why children come to us when we are young! May I pass on a suggestion that worked? Buy a notebook or a journal. Doesn’t have to be fancy. Just something that is reserved for the two of you alone….no shopping lists, no tearing out sheets for notes. No. Just notes to each other are allowed inside. No requirements of when or how much or what to write…Just a little special, private place where you leave each other a line or two or twenty. Sweet nothings. Private thoughts. Suggestions…whatever. Put a pen inside it. Leave it where the children can’t find it. Oh my. So fun to write in and so fun to discover something your love put in there. Try it…..
Oh I love that idea! Wonderful.
Yup. I can relate. We take small moments. And add them up. A hug before breakfast, a goodbye kiss. Always greet each other when he comes home with a smile and a hug. Chatting at the dinner table long after everyone has finished. Ignoring the kids for just a few minutes so we can ask, “How was your day?” Another hug before splitting up to clean the kitchen and get kids ready for bed. A few more just to embarrass the anti-love 10 year old boy. And making sure that when the kids are in bed, our computers turn off, the cell phones get put away, and we are together at last. At last. So yes, those small moments, they do add up.
I second the date night at home idea. We have four children, no close grandparents and no budget for babysitters. We get out once in a while, but in the in between times I sometimes plan a date at home. I will feed the children, put them to bed and make something special for us to eat together by candle light. It’s not a trip to Paris, but it works for now. It’s been helpful for me to see the fruit of this to know that the effort I put forth is worth it – because frankly it’s a lot of work, but I’m the one that wants to talk, so…. All the marriage experts have great ideas, but for those of us living in the reality of not enough money to go around we have to take the idea of what they suggest and apply the principle, thinking outside the box. Such good ideas here and so much encouragement, thanks so much.
This is SO GOOD! I know it’s written for all of us who live in reality and willingly sacrificing our wants for those of our little ones. The color of the bowl and the one more drink of water really hit home here. I’m only grateful that I’m not on this alone and that my LOVE for my husband has increased even more as I see our partnership to “develop” what’s most precious in our lives.
oh, yes! and it won’t end any time soon, which is why it is important to ask the question of how to find it NOW. you cannot put it off until they are older.
when we brought our youngest home at the age of two, that meant we had four children of the ages 2, 3, 4, and 6. craziness. pure, absolute, craziness. but looking back, i wouldn’t change it for the world.
and now they are 10, 11, 12, and 14. and we are having the best times of our life. i love parenting through so many stages. and you know what? it is still hard to carve out that time.
but i found my husband was so much better than i, and even though he embarrassed me to death at times. . . he made sure he was remembering who i was, even though i often forgot who he was in all of the busyness. whether it was a wink, an embrace, a swat on the behind :-) . . . a long kiss, pulling me onto his lap. and all this, right in front of the kids. for he wanted them to know more than anything how much he loved their mama, for if they didn’t know that, then their world didn’t have much security. and even now, with the kids older and more “in the know”, he still says and does things that make me think, “what in the world must these kids be thinking?” but when it’s all said and done, it is what has kept us close, what forms the intimacy when there often doesn’t feel like time for it, and what continues to show the kids that their daddy loves their mama best. and they’ll tell you that for sure, crazy as he sometimes seems to them :-) and since he has the energy, it has been GOOD for him to do all these things, to continue the wooing, to draw me near even when i want to push away for all the stimulation a day holds in the life of a mom. i am deeply grateful for this.
and know that it will get easier.
praying for you this day,
steph
Oh how I know that feeling…
After 18 years and seven babies, we still struggle with this.
The only ‘trick’ we’ve ever found?
Just gotta carve out the time for love. Date night. Weekend getaways. Couples-only dinner parties.
Oh – and every once in a while? Go to bed naked…
I completely relate to this – my husband and I struggle with it daily. We usually find a few minutes together after work, then another few minutes at the end of the day when little man is asleep, but we only have one child right now. Soon we will have more, and the thought of not having as much of my husband as I have now makes me breathe a little faster….I don’t know how we’ll carve out the time. But we will. Even if it means less sleep, we can’t be away from each other for too long.
This will only apply when there isn’t a baby in the house…we’ll have to learn to love the moments when we’re at least sleeping in the same bed. I’ll miss him, but we can get those moments together back once in awhile. And as long as we can get them back sometimes, or steal them sometimes away from chores during naptime, then I won’t worry too much.
This is why date night is so important for husbands and wives.
I don’t pretend we get it like we should. Okay, I won’t pretend that date night comes anywhere close to say, six months apart. Right now, my grandson {who recently moved back in with us along with his mom, my oldest daughter} is on my heels this morning. I just need to wake up before bus time for the Kindergartner. Just a few minutes and already I feel crowded in. Devotion time scarcely fits in with bathroom time. {a sacrilege?} I understand, friend. I so understand.
It takes time and money sometimes for sitters but so necessary.