I grew up on movies.
My mom came out of a theater background and both my brothers ended up going into the film industry.
Movies and the stories that they offer about humanity and its constant battle to overcome its fallen nature are often how I process the world.
I was introduced to one of my favorites by my two brothers the year Jackson was born in South Africa. The jacarandas were turning purple, I didn’t realize how much a person could miss sleep, and Josh and Luke told me I had to watch, Monsoon Wedding.
So with my nursing, burping newborn I curled up on the orange and blue patchwork sofa in my parents’ den and sank into the story of circles within circles of family within family all gathered for an elaborate arranged marriage between a very modern pair during a very traditional Punjabi wedding in Delhi. And the threads of the story weave and unravel between loss and past abuse and redemption and rescue and love where commitment is at stake.
And we discover an old hurt that threatens to crack the family down the very middle. The father of the bride must choose whether or not to believe his niece – she who has become like his adopted daughter, since her own father died – or his brother-in-law when it comes to a tale of childhood abuse. And up until the morning of the wedding he is torn.
Until…until….
They are all standing together and the wedding party is about to arrive. The brother-in-law about to go and receive the groom. When the man at the heart of the family, the father-of-the-bride and protector of his niece puts up his hand and will not allow his best friend to pass. He dismisses him from the wedding and from the family and we see on his face what it costs him to do so.
His decision is immovable and his body bars the way. But it’s his words that send up the high walls of protection,
“These are my children. And I will protect them even from myself if I have to.”
I can never get tired of that scene and those words, “I will protect them even from myself if I have to.”
On the days when my temper flares and I feel the niggling temptation to let it vent all over my kids who have trailed mud from the door, through the living room, and into the bathroom, who have dumped Costco sized containers of hand soap into my bed, who have stuck out tongues and defied and disrespected me these are the words I want to live by, “I will protect them even from myself if I have to.”
Protect them from the words I can’t take back and the insults that no five-year-old should be weighed down by. Protect them from a mother who flings laundry and rattles dishes; a mother who slams doors and sends the message that her children are what’s wrong with her world at 5pm on a Monday afternoon. Protect them from a mother who cares more about the state of her house than the state of her kids.
I will protect them even from myself if I have to.
How many parents have felt at their wits’ end, eager for time alone, only to have to sacrifice it on behalf of their children? When God calls you into this arena, remember you have one who understands. Jesus has been there. He knows exactly how you’re feeling and invites you to turn this difficult moment of sacrifice into a profound place of intimacy and understanding with him. He knows what it feels like to need some time alone, some time to get refreshed and renewed, onto to have that time stolen by the reality of tending to the needs of others.
Children’s needs rarely arrive when we feel at our best or when we’re well rested. They come when we feel exhausted, when we’re in our own time of crisis or in the midst of our own worries….This is the heart of a parent’s sacrifice = putting our own needs beneath the more urgent calling of child raising.
Gary Thomas, Sacred Parenting: How Raising Children Shapes Our Souls, p. 187.
Christ help me and together we will protect them even from me, if we have to.
I need to come live at your house for a bit.
What a great quote – I need to plaster it to my fridge door! :) Don’t you love the book Sacred Parenting? After reading Sacred Marriage, I was off to get Sacred Parenting…and I’m so glad I did. Those books have helped to get me back on track many times…
I’m thinking that I might need to go rent Monsoon Wedding, soon! :)
Oh, LJ! This is what I needed to read tonight. This idea of protecting my babies from myself translated into I will put their hearts first rather than my selfish, entitled one. Every Mama should read this. What a gift you are to us!
I’m so glad I did. This one’s getting bookmarked!
Hi Lisa-Jo,
As always, thank you for your honesty. I haven’t seen Monsoon Wedding, yet, but now it’s on my list of must-see movies. The quote you shared will be ringing in my head when it’s a hard day in our home.
I recently went through a really really difficult period with my 2 1/2 year old, and I ordered the book Adventures in Gentle Disciplining by Hilary Flower. It has been a godsend. I’m encouraged, calmed, and able to be more kind with him and to myself. Well… truth be told, a combination of reading this book and reading your blog – both have helped me to realize I’m not alone and there is a community of other mothers seeking to ALWAYS love our children well, being reminded to turn to God, and always seeking to be compassionate, gentle, and empathetic with our little ones.
Anyway, as I read this post, I felt gentle prompting and nudging to share this book title with you. I hope you might find some encouragement from the book, too (do I even need a disclaimer? Of course we all parent differently, and that is just fine. The nicest part about the book is it doesn’t matter how you parent or what your beliefs are – at the core is compassion and empathy, and everything else is what is right for each family (but it’s definitely not as post-modern as I just made it sound)).
Blessings, and you’re in my prayers.
Sarah-Anne, how could I not automatically love anyone who also has a double-barrel name like I do? :) And now I appreciate you even more. Thank you so much for taking the time to share this book with me. It sounds wonderful. I’ll look forward to checking it out!
Sounds like we had the same kind of day. Encouraging to know I’m not the only one :)
I work in Child Welfare and I can only say I wish all parents would adopt this quote as their own. Thank you for sharing it.
Yes, I can only imagine what you see. Blessings on your work – you do such a vital service to families. Thank you!
Thank you. It’s been a couple of bad weeks and I am feeling very burned out right now. I greatly appreciate the blessings. I strive to help the kiddos on my caseload and with God’s help, I will continue to do so.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if we lived in the same area, we’d be BFFs. :) Monsoon Wedding is one of my all-time favorites, for scenes just as the one you described.
And, I love your words here…I know I can have a short fuse and with our first baby on the way, I’ve often wondered and prayed about my temper. These words will linger with me…
And, fyi, I found out yesterday that we are having a girl. :)
Outstanding. If there is one post a parent needs to read, this has to be it. A simple truth, yet one so rarely though about. Thank you.
That line is striking a chord in me this morning… What a brilliant line. Thank you for sharing.
It’s fantastic, isn’t it? And I have always loved that it’s said by a Father. There’s something so profound about that. I want to adopt it as my own.
“a mother who slams doors and sends the message that her children are what’s wrong with her world at 5pm on a Monday afternoon.”
How ashamed I am to admit that this has been me far too many Monday afternoons.
Sigh.
Thank you for writing this. For sharing this.
It is the slap in the face reminder that I needed this week as I have let my busy busy list of to-do’s take priority over my many sweet-faced children and their requests for cuddles and reading and everything in between.
It is always at my most exhausted when their need smacks up against my selfishness.
Me, so very much too.
i have said this before… but what a beautiful legacy you are leaving your children… that of a mother willing to work on her heart, consistently and diligently.
You are an inspiration …
*Tears streaming down my guilty face*
This is my prayer “Christ help me and together we will protect them even from me, if we have to.”
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I needed to hear this more than you know. At a time when my body and emotions are on edge with waiting for this new baby to come, I so often forget to protect the children already entrusted to my care from myself. And most of the time it’s because I neglect to fall at His feet and seek His help in doing it. May I not fail to seek His grace more and deny my own selfish feelings in the days to come! (and I think I definitely need to read that book)
Wonderful, beautiful reminder, LisaJo!!! And so what I needed to read today. I thank you again for recommending that book…it is a treasure for me! :)
Yes, indeed, a fabulous film!
Oh! And by the way? The producer of Monsoon Wedding has a son in my daughter’s class :)
No way! That is too cool!!
Like that movie!!
It’s a really good phrase ‘even from myself if I have to’. A few years back at a toxic time in my life, I knew I needed time away from the 3 babies at home, but even arranging for a couple hours seemed like more work than it was worth. And to hear them scream or cry when I left was so hard. But I knew that to be a good Mommy also meant health, which meant some semblance of social life, church life, etc. I had to get to the point where I would consciously say, “I love you and that is why I am leaving for 2 hours.” God provided a patient Daddy to take over and babysitters, but I think it is counter-intuitive for mothers to take time for their own needs and therefore become a better mother. So protecting my kids from my ugliest self for me meant leaving them with Daddy for a bit. We have to receive love to be able to give it.
I can say nothing but that I absolutely ABSOLUTELY love this. To pieces.
Thank you for this beautiful piece of advice. I will carry this with me as a new mommy, and always remember to protect my children from even my crazy self sometimes :)
I’m so glad you bring this up! I almost never hear Christian parents discuss this issue, and it’s my No. 1. I had a big conflict with my 11-year-old daughter this week, and I was the one who overreacted and said mean things. I have repented, but I pray God will cover her from my mistakes.
This post really strikes a chord with me and it’s always so encouraging to know that other Christian mothers struggle with the same issues. It’s hard to sacrifice our own needs sometimes, but you are right… and I think the scars that can form otherwise.
Oh, yes…and yes again.
I love that you are honest with us.
When my oldest was born she had colic. Up until then, I would wonder how someone could actually abuse a child…when she screamed *all* day* at its peak at 6 weeks old…I began to understand. I would have to put her in her crib and literally walk out of the house until I calmed down. And I could still hear her, faintly, all the way outside.
At nine weeks, it was like a switch flipped off and she stopped crying (the colic version at least!)…classic case of colic. It was during that experience that God began to show me my imperfect, selfish nature…and one that I still struggle with today.
You are not alone, sweetheart. Not by a long shot.
Thank you Rhonda. I was embarrassed to share this post. Moms and tempers aren’t often something we talk about publicly. But then, I figure, if I struggle surely there are others who do as well. And it’s always a blessing to hear back from this community and encourage one another to do battle against our tempers on behalf of our kids!
Oh, definitely. Only by keeping quiet do we perpeuate the myth of super mom. Just sunday I met a mom whose baby also had colic. She was so relieved to learn that what she was feeling was normal and that there was “life after colic.”
What got me through those trying first days was an aunt-in-law whose first child also had colic…Motherhood is wonderful and exhilarating, but it can also be isolating and exhausting if we don’t reach out and allow ourselves to be real.
Keep up the good work. For every comment you do recieve, there is someone else out there in lurkerdom that is blessed! :)
Oh wow – thanks for the reminder.
Oh, Lisa-Jo…how this resonates. I fear it’s the things my kids will remember the most about me. Thank God for grace and the subtle and sure forgetfulness that sets in with age:)
Powerful.
I think I will print that quote and put it up all over my house, as a reminder that they are just kids and I am the adult; and no matter how frustrated or frazzled I am, it is not their fault. Great post. Even greater lesson. Thank you.
Just to say “Yes.”
Oh I love your honesty. I’m struggling with patience regarding my teenagers at the moment, I feel exhausted with them. I find myself shouting at them about lucky they are. I get so angry at myself because I grew up with a mother who made me know how much I cost her how much I took from her life. I don’t want that for my girls , yet I find myself losing my temper. Parenting is so hard, I think commercialism has made it a lot harder, yet that is no excuse for a raving crazy mother. I must work harder xxx
I think at the end of the day our kids just want us. Nothing else. They might whine and nag and demand the latest toy, but really – a mom who loves them, spends time with them and listens to them – I think that’s at the heart of all that they really need.
This is so beautifully encouraging & convicting. I remember struggling so deeply when my first three were young – it is ever so much harder to maintain self-control when those little toddlers rarely remember a cranky morning the next day, or even past naptime. Their sweet, forgiving natures almost work against us, as we grit our teeth to say “no more talking, please,” instead of “Shut UP already!!”
I’m deeply grateful that my four younger ones now have a much more self-controlled mommy…because their three older teenage siblings are always there watching, listening, learning, remembering…bringing accountability & the fellowship of commiseration when the teething baby just – won’t – stop – crying. Is one of those strange, unexpected blessings of lotsa kiddos, I guess.
Course the flip side of that is having to apologize to them all the time…when I actually lose it and say things like, “shut UP already!” I have to hope & pray we’re all learning & growing from the reality of mommy’s humanity – and the humble pie I get to eat so much of!
Thanks so much for your honesty & truth!
http://freeagentmommy.typepad.com/blog/2010/09/the-core.html
Yes, my sometimes-escaping temper during these toddler years makes me fear their adolesence. I will be checking out the books in the comments. Knowing I’m not alone in these struggles somehow makes it easier to extend some grace all around. Thank you for this post.
Oh gosh. YES AND YES.
I need to remind myself of this often. Thank you. It’s terrible and wonderful. Sigh.
{p.s. looooove that movie}
Terrible and wonderful. Yes. Exactly.
So… thanks for this. Because it wrecked me in the most beautiful way. I way that I needed to be wrecked. Stretched. Challenged. Changed. That book needs to be on my nightstand immediately. How do I not have it yet?
It really is one of the most challenging and encouraging books on parenthood. I can’t recommend it highly enough!
Refreshingly honest. My only child is all grown up and married now, but I think this strikes the heart of mothers everywhere, no matter what season of life we’re in. Being a mother is the hardest job you will ever undertake, and we all want to be great mothers, but it’s so easy to lose your cool (Lord, have I been there). One thing that helped me as a young mother, whenever my daughter was on my last nerve, was remembering how my Heavenly Father responds to my messes and my big mouth and my endless shortcomings, and that was, and is, with compassion, with mercy, with unconditional love. I’m sorry to say I didn’t always follow His example, but some days the best we can do is ask our children to forgive us, ask God to fill in the gaps, and then strive to make the next day better.
Yes, amen to that!
An interesting perspective, THANKS! And I love the quote!
I certainly know the desire to grab my words and shove them back into my mouth; especially with my children. There have been several times I’ve had to apologize.
Sometimes, we do indeed have to protect our children from ourselves.
Remind me to never read the comments before I comment. Takes all my steam out. Makes me feek like mine is a trivial thing to say. bah
Just wanted to say that’s a great quote. And a great quote. I struggle (too much) with being stuck between the “I’m being selfish” and “time off makes me a better mom” sentiments. Sometimes, it’s just not possible to get a break. And that’s when I need to stop being selfish, focusing on *me* and how *I’m* feeling, and do something about the ONE THING I can do something about – my child’s needs. sigh.
And the struggle with lashing out at them. It’s ridiculous really. So then why does it still happen with way too much regularity here? Because I don’t invite Him in. I just don’t think of it. And this is what God is speaking to me about lately. How I need to learn, to remember, to ask Him for help. God knows I need it.
Bless you.
duh. sorry. meant to say great quote and great post. not quote twice.
I love that scene and I love that movie. Especially in a culture that so values family and usually hides things that are shameful within a family, I love that the father fights for what is right.
Have you seen The Namesake? That’s my other favorite Indian movie.
LOVE this. Thank you.
Great post, God bless you and thank you for sharing!
I love Monsoon Wedding and I really can relate to your interpretation. I am taking better care of me to take care of this Gift God gave me, my son. I am also forgiving myself for past abuses and mistakes I have caused toward my son. Thank you for your reaffirmation on our preciousness. Blessings!
I’m tucking this one away with other favorite posts. SO good. SO very very good.