As I write this my boys are not in bed sleeping. They are not tucked in and staying put. They are not obeying. They are not even pretending to be obeying.
They are hurling mini missiles at my bedroom door. I am hiding in here and counting down the minutes till I feel calmer and can go out and tuck them in again for what feels like the thousandth time tonight. When I will remember that I love them and that their chubby toes make me smile and that they will sleep at some point tonight and that I’d rather they be best friends and roommates who crush each other under the weight of their mutual admiration than not. Even if it ends up in tears and someone claiming that he can no longer breathe.
I sit under this yellow comforter and wait for that inevitable moment trying to figure out the intersection between grace and discipline.
When I was eleven I used to creep out of my bedroom and down the hallway to where my mom and dad were watching TV. He always got home so late, late. And I wanted to be part of their magical moments of reconnection – listening as they sifted through the day or just sat quiet together watching Thirty Something. I wanted to be where they were. And ice cream, I usually wanted ice cream as well.
My dad, he would notice me there, tucked in behind the living room wall hoping simultaneously to be invisible and invited. He would smile slow and quietly wave a hand toward me and I’d scuttle up around the back of the couch and into the crook of his arm. I would perch so quietly hoping by taking as few breaths as humanly possible I would manage to deflect my mother’s irritation.
But I was never quiet enough and she was always tired enough for three.
It took me right up until moments like tonight to understand what was going on in her head. And it’s that snapshot memory that keeps me from barreling down the hallway and yelling like the banshee I feel like on the inside. Tired, over stimulated with kid-speak, seeking sanctuary in a conversation or TV show, she still held her breath when her daughter wouldn’t stay in bed. And I’m guessing it cost her more than it cost the shallow breathing-please-let-me-stay eleven-year-old who was curled up on the couch in comfortable delight.
Sure, she may have muttered under her breath and sighed dramatically and glared in my direction. But she let me stay. She let me savor their alone time. She gave me the gift of a memory of closeness and not temper.
So tonight when I go back and open the door to the chaos and the boys and their delight at being up together and with me, I will understand what’s going on in their hearts and try hard to hold my breath. I may mutter and sigh at them and insist that they stay put. But I will also burrito hug them into their blankets. I will get them one more sip of water. I will turn the night lights just so and tuck in their toes exactly the way they like. And pray that one day they remember to return the favor for their own kids.
Wait, were you at our house tonight?
Thanks for the encouragement… my three year old has a very hard time staying in bed at first, but I love that he wants me to lay with him “for a few minutes” as his day ends and his dreams begin.
This is just beautiful. Really something, girlfriend. You put those breaths into words and that is wonderful. :) Needed this. thank you.
Thanks Hillary – it’s kind of a rare occurrence that I don’t give into the banshee screaming. So, worth recording for me to remind myself I can, in fact, do it :) The encouragement is appreciated!
This was such a sweet post. Your boys are blessed to have you!
I love this!!!! :) My husband remembers doing the same thing to his parents that you describe, only his never acknowledged him. I remember laying awake and listening to my parents–I never wanted to go to bed but once I did, I didn’t want to fall asleep. Now, interestingly, my husband falls asleep at the drop of a hat but I still lay in bed a long time before drifting off. Both of us longed for that connection at the end of the day and didn’t want the day to end. We have parented our two young sons, very much aware of that longing. We have laid with our almost-five-year-old many nights over the years and our 17-month-old is still in our bed with no end in sight. I treasure his closeness and I love it that their favorite way to fall asleep is listening to my husband and I talk. It blesses my heart that we have done things differently, and have tried to give our boys that security and closeness they want and need. Is it always easy or idea? No. Is it worth it? Absolutely.
Thank you for your post!
That is precious! Thank you for sharing!! It was such a good reminder for me!
Thank you for reminding me of the child’s perspective. It is easy to get wrapped up in what I need at the end of the day and forget how they feel. I think I will be a gentler momma today because of your post.
I’m having nights like this to, add the teenage tandrums into the momento im slowly cracking up. I wish i had the grace to handle it the way you do, screaming and shouting by me isnt helping.
And this is why you are their mother. Beautiful, Lisa-Jo.
Yesterday, I posted about how the little moments are what make life big, and I think your post describes that perfectly. It is in some of those little moments that shape your children and how they remember you.
I remember when I was little, I would always make my mom come to my room, and I always had to be touching some part of her (usually her hand or her hair) to make sure she didn’t try to leave. But even now, 18 years later, I remember those moments with her. What a great post!
What a great reminder! Thank you…
Wow. Absolutely, precious. Thank you for the reminder.
What a wonderful post! Thanks for the smiles to start my morning. :)
Wow, what a wonderful gift.
With four kiddos, I crave the time to myself at the end of the day! My littlest has been staying up till 12am and patience has been running thin! Thanks for the reminder!
I think I need to print this whole post and frame it above my children’s bed LOL There are so many times I just want to scream at them – thanks for the reminder :)
Just wanted to say thank you for this post. A beautiful reminder that our kids have their own story that they are creating.
Sometimes as parents we want to enforce the rules and show our authority, but oh for the opportunity to show grace to our children! And what an amazing memory from your childhood to help!
I have to laugh too because I tell my teenage daughter many times that she will not understand my reasons until she is a mom, lol!
Bernice
Aww – this is just lovely :)
~h
Awesome picture. I love it. Your writing reminded me of my grandsons. When mommy and daddy put them to bed the ‘get out’ and argue and fuss etc. When grandma puts them to bed I hug them, read stories, turn on night light, crack the door so a bit of light comes in and I say “good night, now don’t get out of bed it is bedtime” and they go to sleep. so simple. Not sure why it is not so simple for mom’s and dad’s maybe because the kids know what buttons to push. I love this writing it is good.
I read this post the first time at 1 AM, while my home was quiet and the only sound was my husband snoring in the bedroom. I laughed because this is so how my nights are, and the only time I have that is quiet is at 1 AM. I’ve completely thrown my sleep cycle off in an attempt to have some “me” time. And I realized that when I get so frustrated with my children it’s because they’re encroaching on my “me” time. Ah…the selfishness we discover in ourselves when we have children. Great post, Lisa-Jo. You’re a wonderful momma!!
the funny thing is, Im laying in bed, im reading this and I get to your post, and amazingly enough its 1:21 am, my husband is snoring and my house is quiet. I too have thrown away my sleep to have ‘me’ time. glad to know i am not the only one. Being a mom of 3, ages 5 mon, 3 yrs and 4 years old, I can relate!
Similar breakthrough while lying in bed and listening to pray as you go. My 7 yr old interrupting me every 7 seconds and as my temper flared I realized if I couldn’t take my PRAYER life into my relationship life it was worthless…and into the bedtime routine. I fail and try and fail and try and they forgive and forgive and ask how tired I am. :( and then I do better and better and think I’ve got it licked and scream bloody murder the next night.
AND…having laryngitis has helped the yelling this week at least!:)
BlessingS!
LIB
PS – I’ve used CALMS by hylands (cheap at vitacost.com) for years. NOT a sleeping pill, but will take the edge off the before-bedtime frenzy boys seems to revel in…
I was thinking the other day that sometimes the last thing my children see/hear is mom and her angry “GO TO SLEEP!” voice. I am trying to end the day on a more positive note…and it’s hard. This was encouraging to me, thanks.
I often think the very same thing, JoAnn. We’re working on it together :)
*smile* thank you so much for this
my 2 rambunctious boys thank you as well.
What a wonderful perspective. Thank you, you are an inspiration!
How I love your heart for your boys, Lisa-Jo. So, so often I lose perspective… I love reading yours. Thanks, friend.
Oh man, 9 times out of 10 I break down and wig out altogether. Maybe that’s what makes that one night so special, eh? Getting it right occasionally can be such a relief.
You, my friend, are an ANGEL…seriously!! You know why? You manage to speak to this momma’s heart just when I need it most…and messages like that can only be conveyed through Him…this is such a precious, beautiful post & one that I needed to read right now…something I am trying so very hard to work on as well…
Have a wonderful day!
LOVE this!! For the most part, our girls stay in bed … …. but there are those nights. And I needed to hear this to remind myself to NOT give temper so quickly. Thank you.
Really appreciated this post as I have two that have never been good sleepers. In fact, my youngest is rejecting her nap as I type. It nearly sends me over the edge sometimes, but I’m going to try to savor their neediness and remember that I want to give them “the gift of the memory of closeness not a temper.” Thanks for the good word!
What a sweet post! I must remember this… my one year old has been driving me crazy, not staying in his bed. I realize part of it is he’s still little, but goodnessgracious. Somedays a momma needs a break, and I get tired of taking him to his bed, over and over and over. ;) I must rein in the temper, and like you said, give him a sweet memory instead.
This post was selected one of my great posts of the week. Here is the link: http://www.jdaniel4smom.com/2010/10/great-posts-i-came-across-this-week_30.html
Thanks, I needed that. Especially about not being a banchee :)
I cried reading this! Thank you for a sweet reminder! My kids love to crawl in bed with us, or just creep down the stairs and pretend they just *have* to go pee or they’re dying of thirst, or the stink bugs will swarm them… all just excuses to reconnect with us. Sometimes I roll my eyes, sometimes I savor the moment.
I am NOT SUGGESTING Women WOULD Must GO TOPLESS, JUST When they Choose TO
AND At the least Possess the Correct TO.
DO YOU Think THAT Males Still Handle WOMENS BODIES WITH Rules THAT Have been Created Extended
Before Girls COULD VOTE?
ALICE: THEN WHY IN Areas LIKE RIO ARE THERE NOT A lot more Instances OF RAPE.
TOPLESS IS Lawful THERE AND Is For many A long time.