I’ve been on a strange journey the last five years. And I felt lost for large chunks of it.
Since our first son was born in South Africa five years ago this August, Pete and I have lived in five different houses on two continents. We have hurt, we have rebuilt, we have worked furiously to keep afloat.
And from where I stand today, high up at the top of this mountain we’ve been climbing, I can see far enough to make some sense of it all.
My heart is full. And I don’t want to forget where we came from and who led us here. So, I stand in this moment, draw deep breath and shout my testimony to the winds, “God is always God, no matter whether His answer pleases us or not. Both His No and His Yes are good. Because He is very, very good.”
This was originally posted on (in) courage in December 2009, and I wanted to remind myself of it as I feel the seasons changing around me. As we enter into an unexpected “yes,” I wanted to remember that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God.
When we were living in Ukraine, someone once told me, “You know how we can tell if someone’s American? They’re the ones smiling for no reason.”
Wrap your head around that one.
I heard it five years ago and it’s still a brain teaser for me. In person and over a cup of tea, I could spend hours dissecting the cultural differences it alludes to. But, of late, it’s been the Christian culture I’ve been thinking about more than any other. And how that statement might apply to us all.
“You know how we can tell if someone’s a Christian? They’re the ones smiling and smiling and smiling.Sometimes for no good reason.”
For two years after our time in Ukraine we were anything but fine. After a decade away we had moved back to South Africa with high hopes for relocating back to my motherland. Those plans were eroded; slowly, painfully, and unexpectedly. Not a single step of our homecoming unfolded as we had so blithely assumed it would.
But, by all appearances we were fine. And if anyone asked, that’s what we told them.
I smiled at church. I smiled at playgroup. I smiled at bible study. And I smiled at kids’ birthday parties. I smiled for no good reason I could think of. Other than that I was sure no one expected me to respond to their generic, “So, how’re you doing?” with a bust gut of agony and bloody tears right there in the meet and greet between the worship and the sermon.
How awkward would that be?
“Snot en trane” – the spot-on Afrikaans expression “snot and tears” – is not generally the appropriate response to a pre-service handshake.
So instead I plastered a stubborn smile, band aid-like, over my bleeding innards and got really good at making small talk and deflecting anything that might try to peel back a corner of the tape.
But 18 months later things were worse. And for the first time I was faced with a “no” answer from God that I couldn’t seem to change or understand.
No, your husband won’t get the job he needs.
No, you won’t be able to stay in South Africa.
No, you don’t get to choose where you go next.
I realized I had been expecting the easy “yes” of what I now recognize as Christianity-lite. I thought if I could grin and bear it long enough, things would finally go my way. I know you’ve heard it too. The fluffy take on some pretty serious verses that try to tell you, “All you need is faith” and you’ll get what you want. “Just believe and the Lord will provide.” “Ask and you shall receive.”
So, this profound and resounding “no” was off my grid by a mile.
Things were not fine. Things were not good. Things hurt inside and out. We had to pack up our house and our new baby boy and move away from the family and country we were just rediscovering. The loss was physically painful.
I wrestled a long time with this new God of my “no.” But slowly I discovered that His answer didn’t dismiss my loss. Not if I saw it in the context of His ability to understand and respond to that loss.
Do you know the Bible story of the infertile woman whom God blessed with a child? The prophet Elisha had prayed for her. But before the boy was grown up, he died. And his desperate mother went looking for an answer. Listen to what she says when the prophet asks her that hardest of questions, “How’re you doing?”
“’Is it well with you? Is it well with your husband? Is it well with the child?'” And she answered, “It is well.” 2 Kings 4:26.
She was far from fine. But she took that agony to the only person who could understand it. And at the feet of the God she could share her agony and outrage with, she was well. She was able to be real. Her answer didn’t dismiss her loss. It simply put it in the context of God’s ability to respond.
That is where He met me. At the cross-roads of His decision and my acceptance of it; He led me out of my heartache and into a season of redemption and beauty. All without changing His answer.
Instead He changed me.
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(You can keep reading my story of change and the year God told us a whole lot of “no” over here).
I heard this somewhere: God always answers our prayers. And sometimes the answer is “No”.
It’s hard to hear and even harder sometimes to accept. But trust He does know what He is doing even when we don’t understand. That is hard to accept sometimes too.
As always, this post…like the rest…is beautiful and poignant and so relevant to life.
You know something I love about our God? That He is, and always was, and always will be The All-Knowing God. In my life, I have discovered that sometimes after years and years of God’s “no’s,” He decides that the time is right. And the resounding YES that comes from what feels like a lifetime of no’s is more beautiful and more blessing that we could ever have imagined or handled at that time.
We serve such an amazing Lord!
Yes, that has turned out to be my experience exactly!!
Your post reminds me of the story of Horatio Spafford who wrote the famous hymn “It is Well with my Soul.” He sent his family ahead of him to Europe while he attended to business. As his family crossed the Atlantic, their ship collided with another, and all of his daughters died. His wife was saved. As he traveled to meet his wife, he wrote that hymn as he crossed near the spot where his daughters’ accident occurred.
It’s hard to fathom that response to such loss, but I know God’s peace is indescribable and ever present during such times.
Thank you for your post. I recently told my husband that it was hard to keep going through life, making decisions, and finding that they never seem to line up with God’s will. My hope and trust is that God continues to teach me and shape me through all of the seasons of ‘no.’ I pray that for you as well.
..that’s the exact story I had in mind when I wrote this. The hymn has been kind of an anthem in my life. It’s what was played at my mom’s funeral the week I turned 18. And I find myself coming back to it over and over again throughout different seasons of life to check in and remind myself that in the Lord’s eyes – all *is* well with my soul.
Ahhhhh, such a timely post.
I am struggling with a ending my season of “nos” and it looks like I am about to finally close this chapter of my life with the acceptance of His answer(s). I was holding out for that “finally here is a yes” but it did not happen.
Thank you for the encouragement and reminder to keep bringing it to the feet of The One who knows the pain of loss, all too well.
Oh man, surrendering the hope that maybe a “yes” will creep in there and save the day, is sooo hard. We held on for far too long and I think it’s part of why the road back was so hard. Trusting the Father is walking alongside you, though, especially when the going gets tough!
Yes, He is still god and He is still good! Thank you for sharing this.
wow…
I want to cry.
I’m right there…for so long I was single (I just married last year at 37) that I thought I really knew God’s no and that it didn’t mean he wasn’t good. Now, as I close on a year of trying to conceive, I’m still trying to learn that he is good in a no. And a no isn’t because I’ve done something wrong. His no is as much his love for me as his yes.
I could write more…but I won’t. :) Thanks for this…I’d forgotten that story in Kings about the woman Elisha prayed for…
Oh man “His no is as much his love for me as his yes.” – that is so powerful. Yes, indeed. So hard to believe, but so profoundly comforting when we embrace it. It’s interesting to go and look up how many times the Scripture mentions “barren” women or women who were unable to have a child and brought that desperate request to the Lord. So many of the great women of the Bible lived that experience. You are not alone on your journey. And it is not unfamiliar territory to our very good God!
This is one of the best things I’ve read in a very, very long time.
Strange, isn’t it, how the very hardest things we go through are what usually result in the very best parts of our stories.
Thank you for this. It’s ministered to me right where i’m at. Praying for you as you step into a yes.
Thank you sweet Melissa. We are excited to see how it unfolds…
So well said!!
Beautiful post… I too am learning to accept the many “no’s” I am hearing from God at this point in my life. And in acceptance of them, there is true freedom… freedom to move on, a new sense of trust, and even more enthusiasm about what’s ahead. But it’s not an easy road to travel by any means :)
Nope, it can be real bumpy, can’t it?
“no” tastes bad. We’re not praying for His Will – we’re praying for Our Want – so “no” naturally tastes bad to the “yes” we’re waiting on.
I wanted another child … God said no. So when I was suprised over the unexpected pregnancy – I figured God finally bended to MY desire! But the baby died at 16 weeks – chokes and hurts my heart – and He never promises that it won’t hurt.
But He does promise He has a plan to prosper us for good – to grow us to be like His Son – to give us new hearts and new desires to align with His YES of a will.
Hugs – thanks for sharing!!
Stef
Steph, I read this a couple days ago and have been waiting for a quiet time when I could respond with my whole, focused heart. Thank you for sharing this testimony. It’s a hard one to write, I am sure. Much harder to live. I can only imagine how that kind of no would feel and it would make me ache all the way to my bones. But I take comfort in knowing that our God has a long history of hearing the cries of mothers and in comforting their losses.
You are brave and beautiful. ~Lisa-Jo
I love your take on “Christianity-lite”. Many people take the “ask and receive” verses as a wish list for God and then get upset at God or their own lack of faith when things don’t go as they had planned. When in actuality, they asked and received. They just won’t accept what God gave them. Beautiful post!
Man, did I ever learn that lesson the hard way!!
I love the juxtaposition of this story with the recent Yes God has given you… it makes it a beautifully redemptive story.
I’m facing what I think is a “no” right now and it is a bummer !
Yup, even when we know God is in our No – they are still pretty sucky to hear!
Yes, this Michiganian has had a hard time with no.
We can smile and always hope and pray; no is another thing,very hard to accept!
This plan is not mine shouldn’t it be like..
Be careful what you ask for, bloom where you’re planted, trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths… For we know that all things work together for good to those who love God who are called according to His purposes,,Oh, His purposes?
We miss Michigan. It was such a season of redemption for us, I will always love it in a very special way. Because it’s where we learnt that God’s no doesn’t mean he loves us any less than when he says yes.
“Both His No and His Yes are good. Because He is very, very good.”
Beautiful, Lisa Jo. I needed this right now. Thank you.
Thank you Alysa! And the truth is, I write these thoughts down because I need the reminder as much as anyone.
Oh. My.
Glad I read this.
And humbled.
And reminded of the truth that God is good and God has not deserted me when he says “no” to what I think right now is my heart’s deepest cry.
To the one request I seem to keep repeating in my head and heart like a broken record until I only hear its echo.
Lovely writing.
Just lovely.
I know *just* what that broken record sounds like! I have several that I play over and over. It’s hard to give them to Him to fix for us, isn’t it? Hang in there, my friend. He is faithful. Even (and usually especially) when it doesn’t *feel* like it!
Just. So. Beautiful.
Thank-you!
This post made me cry because this is where I am. Learning to deal with the answer of “no”. We get it a LOT lately. I know God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, but sometimes I wonder WHY we need to be loaded to the absolute limit and then told NO when we ask for less.
Thank you for your inspiring and beautiful writing.
Oh man, I know exactly what you mean. It is hard! It took us years to walk through so very many nos. We have surfaced somewhat, at least from that particular situation, but it takes time and healing. But can I encourage you and say that He was waiting with us. He was walking with us. And when I finally came out the other side – I did understand it. Hang in there! You are not alone!
Yep, God always answers our prayers: yes, no, or not yet…
Yes, Christians seem to smile a lot. But do you know how to make God laugh?
Tell him your plans…
After your global jaunts (and mine), the truth in that should sink in…
He must enjoy us very very much!
Lisa Jo,
Your words have come to me today and I am grateful.
Your words breathe. They soothe, they hurt and they free up and move what has been dying and trying to get out of me.
We have been back in the US for several months, after serving full-time in missions for six years. During this season of change and tentative steps in a new direction, a horrible event struck our family, leaving us bleeding internally and spinning from the onslaught.
Though I still don’t have adequate words, I do know God still reigns from His throne, Jesus is still Lord of all, and I still belong to the One who will never let me go.
Thank you for your wise words and transparency. Somehow, He knows the way, and He can be trusted to lead us through this heartache into the place of green pastures, quiet waters, restoration, and fresh anointing.
Blessings my new friend.
Oh Suzie –
Blessings on you! Your pain sounds so familiar. I felt numb for months after we got back stateside. In my mind’s eye I was a wounded rabbit just lying as still as it could in the deep brush waiting for the bleeding to stop. It’s hard and lonely and it hurts. But if it’s any comfort, can I just say that the redemption was just as powerful a process. He is in those painful moments in profound ways. He never leaves us to suffer alone. He suffers with us. Always.
Hi Lisa-Jo,
Your posting arrived in my inbox this morning and the headline caught my eye. I had to forward to everyone I know, Thanks so much for being in the spirit and for this webpage. As christians, NO is never an option or so we believe but in God’s NOs we are fine tuned for greater things. Incidentally I heard a sermon in my church yesterday which talked about 5 ways God answers prayers:
1)Direct yes- when we pray for salvation(Luke 23:42-43), wisdom(james 1:5) and Grace (didnt take good notes:( for this one)
2) NO! examples are Jesus when he asked the cup to pass, Paul when he prayed for the thorn to be removed, Moses when he asked to see God’s face
3) Exceedingly and abundantly – Not only what we expected but much more Rom 5:8 just because He loves us.
4)He answers a different way – like you moving to michigan.
5) He aswers with a Yes but He says WAIT!
God always answers our prayers because He loves us so much but I guess the tough part is in accepting the type of answer we receive:)
Hi from East Africa!
Thanks for this. We had a year of ‘no’ about 2 years ago wanting to return to Africa on a different timeline than God had in mind. I had many masks of ‘just fine’. We always quote that movie Strictly Ballroom: ‘I’ve got my happy face on!!’ But it was a very rough road. And now I can see some of the fruit God brought about in my heart that might never have been there on an easy road. I am truly thankful for that rough road now, and wouldn’t trade it for any other route!
a word well spoken friend. Thanks for standing on the other side with God and saying “push through…God is good…I know it!”
~jessica
I received this in my email today through DaySpring. It was just what I needed to read. We have been living in Muskegon Michigan for over 9 years and now have to make a move to the Detroit area because of my husband’s job. I know God has a purpose in all of this but have been dealing with a lot of anger. Thanks for encouraging me today.
Thank you so much for writing this blog. It has ministered so much to me. My husband and I and our 2 little guys believed that God had called us back to minister in NYC after being away for nearly 8 years and after being here for 2 years, the door has now closed and we have been hearing the word “no” from Our provider more than we could bear. He has opened a door for us to return to Pennsylvania near family, and although I know that it is where my children will be happiest and safest, my heart is broken over having to put aside my desire for continuing to minister in NYC and hearing the “no”. There is such comfort in knowing that I am not alone in this feeling of as you so eloquently put it: “I wrestled a long time with this new God of my “no.” But slowly I discovered that His answer didn’t dismiss my loss. ” Thank you.
i needed to read this again. i need to look at my “no”s in the context of God’s ability to respond.
thank you for this, friend.
I think the biggest thing He’s wanted me to learn is that BOTH His NO and his YES are equally GOOD. Because HE is GOOD.
It’s taken me a long, long time to be able to write that sentence. Hence the unabashed use of all caps!
Thank you for sharing! Life truly is a journey of faith in a God that know the plans He has for us!
Lisa-Jo, I am stalking your blog, reading your story, today! :) You need to write a book!!-that’s all.
I love this:
“You know how we can tell if someone’s a Christian? They’re the ones smiling and smiling and smiling.Sometimes for no good reason.”
go well.
It must be God…because I wasn’t looking for this post but it found me…..after I had posted about disappointment in the midst of faith. I understand. And it still hurts. And I’m still trying to figure it out. But I still believe. Thank you.